I'm having "one of those nights." You know what I mean...those nights when all you've done is lay around, watching mindless shows (ok, I watched Mad Men with the ever hot Don Draper), cruising around online, wondering "what the heck am I doing with my life?!?" I've done what I typically done on these nights...I've eaten...a lot...and I've searched and researched degrees and classes, and I've looked for jobs...all around the U.S. And I've been wondering what else is out there. What do I want for my life. How do I feel happier, fulfilled...how do I get more?
And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.
But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.
I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort. And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.
But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different. I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.
And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible. I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?
I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.
If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.
My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.
