I resolve to...

I've never been one of those people who has made new years resolutions. I'm the kind of person who makes resolutions all year...and then I come to a point when I say "this, is what I'm going to do." And then I do it. Most of the time. There are some uncertainties like job changes, masters degrees, and moving to other states that take a few more back and forths before I settle on something.  Anyway, if you've read this blog for any amount of time you know I like setting goals, and then re-evaluating them and then yea. So you know the process.

Last year, I resolved to make this "The Year of Me" and I put myself and what I wanted first. It's been a fantastic year. I've lost over 40 lbs, run in four 5k events, got involved in activities that interested me, received a promotion, found out I was allergic to sulfa drugs and resolved NEVER to go on prednisone if I can help it, read more books and cancelled my cable, realized I loved 2 hour massages, went to D.C. and Hawaii, and the list goes on and on. It has been fantastic, eye opening, and altogether fun.

This year is "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out" as I've mentioquotes that ned in a previous post. I'm going to list my goals, my dreams, my resolutions, and I hope and pray that at this time next year, I'll have achieved them. There are three quotes that I am going to start this list off with, because I love them and think they apply to this new year.

"The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller

"Whatever it is, if I stay with my flocks of familiarity, the word will become stored away in my head, maybe even deceive me into thinking I’m better for having heard. But I’m never better for having heard… I’m better for having responded."
Richard Dahlstrom

"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Albus Dumbledore

Money
Re-evaluate my budget
STAY with my budget
Save at least 3% every month (on top of the 4% I'm putting aside in my 401K)
Tithe 10%. Regularly.
Continue to pay off credit cards, and pay what I've BUDGETED
Be realistic and flexible, but remember my goals :)

Job/s
Prioritize and manage my time better
Network.
Step up my planning.
Put more effort into my programs.
Implement a healthy lifestyles program for girls and boys.
Be positive and focus on what I can do to improve...not drama and negativity.
Turn my restlessness into productivity...not laziness.
Keep apartments clean and up to standard.
Turn stuff in on time :)

Faith
Go to church 3/4 Sundays a month.
Become involved in another community group.
Cultivate and continue new relationships.
Read scripture daily.
Tithe :)
Start volunteering again. Start with Tabitha...again.

Personal
Hike up a mountain
Camp at least 4 times this year...NOT including with kiddos from the Club
Spontaneous trip with the BFF
A fantastic, relaxing trip ALONE
Passport.
Canada!
cooking classes
Yoga
Buy a bike
Run one 5k per month until Sept
Start training for 10ks in Sept (maybe earlier?)
Join a gym? or maybe a fitness group..
read at least 1 new book a month

In this year of stepping up and stepping out, the biggest thing I want to do is challenge myself. I don't want to be mediocre, and I don't want just an average life--a life that is less than what I can have--I want life to the fullest! I want to continue with the amazing changes that I've brought to my life this year. And a big part of that is realizing that it's in my hands. Of course God is there guiding me and leading me to opportunities, but I have to start taking hold of things as well as appreciating what I have and working with those things. I want to love myself, deepen my relationship with God, and give to others what I have freely received. God is good.

Stepping Up and Stepping Out

I'm having "one of those nights." You know what I mean...those nights when all you've done is lay around, watching mindless shows (ok, I watched Mad Men with the ever hot Don Draper), cruising around online, wondering "what the heck am I doing with my life?!?"  I've done what I typically done on these nights...I've eaten...a lot...and I've searched and researched degrees and classes, and I've looked for jobs...all around the U.S. And I've been wondering what else is out there. What do I want for my life. How do I feel happier, fulfilled...how do I get more?

And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.

But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.

I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort.  And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.

But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different.  I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.

And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible.  I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?

I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.

If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.

My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.

lazy day

I have cheated on this blog for the convenience and support of my sparkpeople blog. :/ I will work on keeping this one up as well :)

I went for my yearly visit to my doctor yesterday and aside from being healthy, she said I had nearly perfect BP and was super happy about my weight loss. I did JM 30DS level two and let me tell you, it'll probably be a good long while before I graduate from the level. The plank position seems to be in more than half of the circuits and I was DYING the whole time :) It was a good workout though. I had a fantastic time Friday night, although Saturday I was rewarded with a lingering headache and an gurgly stomach every once in awhile.

For the past couple of weeks I've been eating recklessly--I did a lot of shopping and my eating habits suffered for it. But after going grocery shopping this past week I'm ready to be back in the saddle of eating nutritiously...not just being aware of calories. More fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and cooking at home are in my future--which I'm excited about. It's nice to have convenient dinners like smart ones around, but nothing beat a fresh homecooked meal.

Yesterday I spent much of the day lounging around my apartment after my dr's appointment. I think I'm going to do JM, clean up my apartment, write my brother, and then head off to get some running in. Next weekend I'll be running another 5k and I need to get back into shape for it :) I was rubbing the shin and for the first time I noticed that the bone sticks out now...no more fat cushioning it, it long and lean and sharp :) My legs are slimming up and having nice contours and muscles as well. Despite my grumbling about JM, I never would have been able to do that workout earlier this year, and I'm happy about the progress I've made in becoming healthier, happier, and stronger. What a good year...I'm excited for everything else that is to come.

I turn 25 right at the end of 2010, and I'm really excited that I'm preparing to live the next quarter century of my life with vigor and vitality. I truly want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd...and I'm gaining it, day by day. God is good :)

whirlwind week

Oh my goodness so many things are happening this week. Firstly, I found out Tutta Bella was having a "thank you loyal customers" sale and was giving away one free pizza per table. So I went with Adam for lunch...and then again with Alisha & Jen for dinner. Sadly, our plans to run, go swimming, then eat dinner went down the hill to swimming and eating dinner, then just eating dinner and sharing a DELECTABLE tiramisu. Oh my lordy the cream in the tiramisu was to die for. So yummy. I'm glad we were sharing it among the three of us because I would have eaten that whole thing by myself and felt sick afterwards. The nice thing about Tutta Bella is their pizzas are neopolitan style and the crust is super thin and low gluten...I'm sure it's not GOOD for you, but it's lighter than a normal pizza and not loaded with cheese. I left feeling fed instead of fed and bloated. Plus their napoli salad is simply amazing. I think I love it even more than the pizza. Ok, off of food now :)

Today I'm supposed to do running/poker, tomorrow I'm supposed to do bonding time with Bigs, and Thursday I have bonding time with Bec. I'm already exhausted thinking about all the people time. I'm debating on whether or not I should ditch poker today and get the rest and rejuvenation I need. I normally get that on the weekend, but, oh yea, the parents are moving to Hawaii and I was working all week. So, basically I'm tired. My body is tired, I'm not getting enough sleep, and it makes me worried for keeping in shape, running, and just overall feeling good. So, poker might have to go...ugh I hate missing things I love but I'm at a point where I'd rather say no than feel like crap...and I'm not going to say no to the girls :)

Speaking of running, I've been on a bit of hiatus, and I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go again. I definitely was not going to run in the 90 degree heat, and I'm kinda nervous about the 80 degree heat today...but I should at least go and try. I've decided to try to run the 2 miles, and if I can't do it, just start with week 6, day two (1 mile, walk 1/4 of a mile, run 1 mile) and try to work up from there. I realize that my body is doing some amazing things, but some things it's not ready for and I just gotta accept that and continue to push it but not force it...or I'll hurt myself. And I can't be so hard on myself and rigid that I feel like a failure instead of the success that I am and WILL be. I'm so stoked for this 5k and maybe I'll do the other one in October. Goals goals goals!

I can't wait to rest and relax this weekend and recharge my batteries. Summer is almost over (yay!) and I'm looking forward to my favorite season with cool air, layering(cardigans yay!), and pretty colors. Okie doke, gotta go wash my hair.

p.s. Shakira (my parent's cat that I'm keeping for the next 3 years) keeps waking me up in the early morning. I'm tempted to lock her out of my room, but the meowing might wake me up anyway. Also, I was able to wrap a normal towel (not one of those larger towels or bathsheets) around my body without any gaps..and I can see my clavicles. I love all these little signs that my life is changing significantly :)

Where I am vs. where I was

I've been feeling very introspective lately, and when I say lately I mean this weekend, and when I say this weekend I mean pretty much today. It's been interesting helping my parents pack up and move, and when I say interesting, I mean exhausting, hilarious, fun, and bittersweet. I can't believe they're leaving me for the beautiful beaches of Hawaii, but I'm also excited to be joining them every so often there as well.

When I look at my mindset, and where I was last year vs. this year, I'm amazed.  I'm amazed at the growth, the determination, the attitude change, the new healthy lifestyle...I'm amazed at all of it. Literally a year ago I was writing about what I wanted for my job at the club and how I wanted to change lives and how I was excited about where this year was going to take me (after thinking that maybe I was going to pick up and move), and here I am with a new job, in a better position to impact and love and change lives. God is so good.

I'm amazed at not only what I've learned, but also how I've taken what I've learned and DONE something with it. I've learned that I'm stronger that I thought I was. I've learned that I'm not a quitter. I've learned that fear is not something that has to live in me, and in fact that I hold it's eviction notice in my hand . I've learned that I'm a runner. I've learned that I have more support than I ever could have imagined. I've learned that I love my family more than words can say and that I have, quite possibly, the best family in the world. No joke. I've relearned my love of reading. I've learned that I'm a pretty damn good poker player. I've learned that I like to take risks. I've learned that my primary love language is TIME and that spending time with the people I love is more important to me than hugs, kind words, cleaning my dishes, or gifts. Oh man I've learned so much--I could fill a page...but the most important things I've learned, are that I love myself, I love the life I have been given, and I want to LIVE my life in the way it was meant to be lived.

So far, this "year of me" has taught me how I've undervalued, and underestimated myself, and I will never do that again. I will never fail to try because I think I can't do it ever again. I will never let other people make decisions about who I should be or what I want. Eesh I'm so proud and at peace but I'm also nervous and anticipatory. I have accomplished so much, and I KNOW I can do more. I can't stop now, and I will "have life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."

So here's to life, and where it takes us. I wrote this almost a year ago, and I think it's appropriate to quote now:

Life as of now is never how (I) would have expected it. But it's good, and it's exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Thank you Jesus, for all that you've done.

Life in every word...

I really can't get over how amazing I've been feeling lately. This week myself and several other staff took some kids camping and to waterslides. I had several "yay" moments.

1. Packing fruits and veggies as an alternative to unhealthy snacks.
2. Getting up early before the campers woke up to do my run--and completing it!
3. Wearing my bathing suit (and getting compliments on it) and showing my arms without shame.
4. Playing ultimate frisbee with the kids and not being winded
5. Challenging the kids to running laps and completing 20 of them (they totally kicked my bum and did 50. 50!!! Where do they get the energy?!?!)
6. The kids telling me I was athletic and wanting me on THEIR team.

I felt...so amazing after this trip. I'm breaking through who I allowed myself to be and becoming who I'm supposed to be. God is good eh?

Other awesomeness? I completed Week 5, day 2 of C25k...and I'm not feeling so nervous about running 2 miles. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a bit nervous, but not nearly as dumbfounded and doubtful as I was last week :) Oh yea, and I found a kindred spirit who wants to experience Vegas in the same way that I want to--a little gambling, a couple of shows, checking out fun sites, a little shopping, and a lot of relaxing with yummy drinks in my hand. Now let's hope with her new job she can get the time off :) I'm even excited to start the new school year and create an even more amazing program for our kiddos this year. Oh yea, and I'm narrowing down my thoughts on graduate school...eeeeeee :)

Life is good.

speaking of that brave new me...

You know I'm really proud of myself. I'm reaching a lot of goals and I'm reaching out past my comfort zones--especially when it comes to meeting new people. If you know me, you know I feel awkward with new people unless I'm in my "comfort" zone. This can mean several things--it could mean that I'm in my own house/parent's house. It could mean that we're doing an activity that I'm good at or excited about. It could mean that we're talking about a subject that I'm knowledgeable or comfortable with. It could mean that I'm with people that I know and can therefore be myself with. It's usually one of those things, although there's probably more.  But this year, I did and am doing things that have been completely out of my comfort zone.

1. Joined a small group.
This was with my bff so there was safety there, but it still made me feel SUPER nervous. I still laugh when I remember us driving up to the pub to "hang out" afterwards and then walking quickly away when we saw there was nobody we knew and no seats available haha. But we did join the small group, and that was a big step.

2. Formed a game night.
This is something that I'm still developing and working on--with peoples schedules and such we don't get together as often as I'd like, but whenever we do, it's a blast. I've met several new people that I've enjoyed getting to know, and we're scheduling a new game night as I type. So, it's still going. Craigslist is useful for so many things...

3. Joined a book club
This, is something that I'm doing completely on my own. I don't have any friends who are doing it with me...which in the first two cases I had people I knew there. Our first meeting is Aug 2nd (I missed the org meeting because of that damn stomach flu), but I've already felt the benefit from it because of the recommended book--I loved it. I'm so excited (and nervous) to meet these girls and hopefully connect on an intellectual level :)

4. Joined a poker night
I just recently did this today, and I'm super nervous and excited for this as well. I play poker with a good friend and his buddies all the time, but it's so inconsistent and I really wanted to find a more stable game.  Whelp, I found one right here in Wallingford that meets every Tuesday. The guy I talked to said it's mostly men, but that there are some girls who are apart of the group. Hopefully it won't be too awkward--but if it is, I can just stop going. I definitely want to try it though...plus I love poker.

I'm really proud that I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort zones, and making an effort to get to know new people and tap into activities I love. One thing, that I've realized as I've done this, is that the game groups, the book groups, etc. are not a substitution for that group of believers who share the same faith as me. I still want to find a group of people that I meld well with and grow close to. I can't remember that last time I talked about my faith with someone (well, ok yes I can but not in a mutually edifying sort of way, it was more in an, answering questions about my faith and what I believed sort of way), and I miss that challenging, life affirming connection with people.

So, I'm making it a goal to make it to church on Sundays...this Sunday will be my parents church as I'm going home for the weekend but next Sunday I think I'm going to make an effort to go to Bethany again. They're introducing new "community groups" where you get together and do activities...trying to rectify the fact that you can go there for a year and still not be connected to the church--which has been my experience in the past.  Anyway, it's just another learned lesson for me--if I don't go for it, try it, do something about it...nothing will happen. So I'm going for it. I'm going to be fearless.

Goals, goals, and more goals

I'm sitting here in my newly redesigned and cleaned living room, and I'm thinking that life, is good. I mean, it's really good. I've having a great summer, my credit score is well in the 700s (just found that out a couple of days ago and I'm still excited :)), I'm meeting new people, and reconnecting with lost friends, I'm planning travel, and I'm relaxing. I dunno, it's just been really good. I'm steadily cutting drama out of my life and giving negative, down people less time. I'm taking a lot of time for me, and I think I've found a good balance.

The only thing missing to be honest--is a firm, trusted group of friends of the same faith as me. That community is something that I miss on occasion. The last small group I was in was ok, but not exactly what I think I want for the long term--it doesn't hurt to try though right? I'm glad I met those people, and it's only confirmed what I need/want/desire in life.

Anyway, so I made (and devoured) a really yummy breakfast sandwich (mmmmm bacon) with cherries and now I'm sipping on tea, wondering a)how I'm going to tie up loose ends and responsibilities today, and b)how I'm going to keep going and achieve my goals.

Today--
I'm going to get a whiteboard for my door so I can have visual reminders of things I want to do everyday--such as take my vitamins, drink a least 27 oz of water before I leave, eat breakfast, make lunch, exercise, and as a weekly goal--have a relatively clean house. I like the idea of checking that stuff off and for things like vitamins, the visual reminder is exactly what I need.
As far as the cleaning, I find that when my apartment is picked up, I feel much less stressed out and relaxed. I wanna make a little "chore list" so I can spread out my housecleaning stuff over the week so it doesn't get overwhelming after I don't do them for weeks at a time. I also want to have one for THE apartments so I'm keeping up with maintaining the common areas in a responsible way. So...yea. A white board.

I also need to go through ALL of my mail, hang up ALL of my clothes, do as much laundry as possible, and sweep, mop, and vacuum THE apartments.

New exercise goals:

I was talking with Alisha and she was saying how your body needs time to repair itself between workouts and breaks help it repair better so you come back stronger. I've had a goal of working out 6 days a week and doing running, ddr, and strength training intensely. Well I think I'm going to change things around with my workouts (shocking I know...I change things pretty regularly ;) ) So anyway, I think I'm going to do my running on MWF--still right after work, but it doesn't kick itself into the weekends. I'm going to do a combination of DDR/strength training on Tues/Thurs, and on the weekends--I'm going to make sure I walk and get 10,000 steps in, but I'm not going to necessarily do a strict workout. That way, over the weekend my body can repair and get ready for the week again.

So, I think I'm going to also change my weigh in day to Saturday. I'm really loathe to do this as I'm a creature of habit and feel like it's "cheating" to change my weigh in day for some reason (Monday just seems to be the beginning of the week and so it means I should begin with my new weight...I dunno I'm weird). Anyway, I think with the new workout routine it'll just be better. I'm sure whatever day I weigh myself on, as long as it's consistent, will work, but for some reason I feel like weighing myself AFTER my "rest days" might result in a higher weight...ugh I gotta stop being so WEIGHT focused.

Anyway, that's the new plan. The eating healthy/not eating out/cooking at home thing is staying the same. I'm just tweaking the exercise a bit :) Ok, time to get going with my day!

Live as a "healthy" person

Today the book talked about being tired of eating another piece of grilled chicken, or another salad, and how sometimes we might think that we want to eat like a "normal" person. It cautions against using words like that because a lot of "normal" people eat crappy food. I mean, Americans are famous for eating krispie kreme burgers and fat fried in fat :) Is that what we want? Do we want to be "normal?" The book goes on to say that instead of thinking in terms of "thin or skinny" we should think in terms of "healthy." Many thin people are not necessarily healthy. "Instead of aiming to be thin, consider using words such as healthy, fit, active, balanced, or strong." pg 172 It says to start thinking in terms of what healthy people might do. What does a healthy person eat? How active are they?

I think we've always heard this but I like hearing it even more as I'm training to run a 5k and trying to be stronger and healthier. When I lost the 10lbs when I was sick--I felt thin, but I felt sick. When I was healthy enough to get back to running, almost all that weight had come back on, but I felt strong, and healthy. Adam asked me (when I was still not eating very much) if I was doing it on purpose to keep the weight off, and I of course said no indignantly because I don't think I have the willpower not to eat :) But, I gotta say, I'd rather weigh more, and be strong, then be thin, and feel weak, tired, fatigued, and hungry all the time.

The book has activities that it suggest that you do, and usually I don't do them cause they're corny or I'm already kinda doing it, but I want to do this one. It wants you to make a stick person (in this case there will be no person but you get the picture) and label it "A Healthy ___
and then write how you can be healthy in areas of your life like family, eating, exercise, relationships, work, and fun.

A Healthy Tiffany
Family--Visiting and spending time with my parents at least once a month. Writing my brother in Korea. Keeping in contact with my extended family and trying to make it to events in their lives.

Relationships--Staying strong and not letting negative relationships into my life. Keeping a balance with friends I work with. Talking with and encouraging the friends in my life. Making regular contact with people so they know I care. Investing in new relationships, and cutting down gossip/drama within relationships. Making an effort to build and maintain current relationships despite the busyness of my life.

Work--Being a team player. Work with staff to have a diverse and fun program. Smile more :) Try to be more patient with the kiddos who try my patience every day. Have a checklist to make sure I get what I NEED to get done done. Prioritize more.

Fun--Continue with the new relationships that I've developed. Yay game nights and the new book club. Read more books :) Poker nights! Find hobbies outside of diet and exercise that I can stick with. Go canoeing more often! Find ways to travel more in and out of state. Keep in contact with friends and initiate fun stuff with friends. Continue with the things that are fun for me--especially shopping :) Diversify and try new things!

Eating--Keep buying and using groceries. Have loads of fruits and veggies on hand for snacks. Don't deprive, just be moderate. Take vitamins (argh!). Make sure I get the right amount of good proteins, fats, and carbs. Drink more water--kick diet soda out of my life completely again. Drink more Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea (mmmmmm). Track my calories (as much as possible). Say no to caffeine (I've found that I feel really weird on it...especially with coffee). Eat bacon (moderately)! Cook at home. Be proactive in having food prepped so I have no excuses. Eat breakfast more often.

Exercise--Run, run, run! I love running :) Figure out the balance between aerobic/strength training and how to best facilitate getting leaner and stronger. Keep running with my buddy! 5k,5k,5k in September! DDR. Swim more during the summer. Join a gym once my massage membership is complete (January 2011). Play gym games with kids whenever I get a chance. Make excuses to go up and down the stairs at work. Laugh. Alot.

So those are my goals. Those are the things that I feel make a healthy me, and will keep me on track. I'll probably think of more, and I want to do something visual in my apartment to see, but I'm liking where I'm going with this!

Can't forget faith--reacquaint myself with people who share the same beliefs I do. Be apart of a meaningful community. Keep myself connected to the Bible...not in a legalistic way, but in a open, learning way.

The last chapter in Ephesians talks about putting on the full armor of God. I feel that these goals, and expressions of who I want to be is apart of the armor. It's a part of the full life that I have been called to have, and it works in partnership with my faith and everything that I believe. God has been faithful to me all my life, and I really want to make sure I make him central, first, before all other things...because without him...I'm just not a good. And by "good" I mean...on point, happy, fulfilled. Without his peace and contact, I always begin to feel...discouraged and desperate. I find that the times in which I focus on my relationship with him and making time for him, my mindset changes. I dunno, but God is good whether or not I am...and I'm going to stick with him :)

Goals

I just want to repeat the fact that I'm really thankful for the encouraging people in my life as far as weight loss. Surprisingly one of my biggest helps and motivators has been Meghan, a woman from my work. She just...speaks the truth...good and bad and I'm really enjoying her encouragement, wise advice, humor, and realism about this whole journey. I was telling her how I had a goal of being in the "0's" by the time DC was here and when I was about 2 weeks in kinda gave up on that. She encouraged me to have a goal so I at least have something to work for. So. I want to be out of the 200s by the time the first day of school starts. Also, I want to be able to run a 5k. I think this summer I want to start training for a 5K, and by the end of summer, I want to run one. It should be an interesting time, but I think I can do it.

I just wanted to say that I tried on a skirt that had been too small for me about 2 months ago, and now it's sliding off my body. Also, my swimsuit that was stretched to the limit last summer is now perfect on me. Perfect. It looks...so good. Now if only my thighs can get under control haha. Okie Dokie, time to get in the b.e.d.

some goals

So, I was thinking as I was walking home today, how working with the kids is really causing me to not eat enough calories. Well, it's not just them, but I think it helps my whole not eating calories thing. I need to make sure I pack good snacks *fruits and veggies to munch on. And eat regularly. Also, I need to make sure I'm intaking my water regularly.

So, I've decided to devise a schedule.

Before I start my daily blogging, I need to fill up my water bottle and start drinking.

Before 9:30, I need to have eaten and finished working out.

9:30-10:30, I need to have finished my first water bottle, and be showered and ready to go.

10:45 Head out to work with my lunch packed.

By 1:00 I need to have my 2nd water bottle done with. Make sure I eat a sensible lunch.

I need to eat a snack at 2:00 to keep my energy going. I then need to eat snack and make sure my 3rd water bottle is done with by the end of homework time 5:00.

I need to drink my 3rd water bottle at least an hour before I go to bed so I don't get up after I get warm and toasty.

Hopefully that'll help me to be more consistent with my eating habits and also with my water. And with the timing of the snacks, I'll be eating with the kids so they won't be jealous :)

Ok, I hope I can throw my laundry in soon so I can go to bed :)

not discouraged

So, my whole workout I was like "why did I only lose 1 lb?" Is it because I haven't been eating the right amount of calories (ie going under)? Is it because I'm working out too much? Is it because of PMS and period stuff? Is it because I didn't poop. The whole time I was thinking about it. I worked out, got back on the scale, 235.2. Well there's my 2 lbs. But it didn't feel satisfying...because I always weigh myself before I work out, and I wanted to be that weight before I worked out.

And as I'm thinking about this, I have to reiterate what I said before. One pound is fine. In fact, it's more than fine, it's great. I've lost one more pound than most people this week. I am ahead of the curve. On my mind is disappointment as I report back to the others my small weight loss, and the fact that they're probably going to lose at least 2 lbs and I just feel like a loser. But guess what? It doesn't matter. I'm not in this change to compete and compare myself to others. I'm in it to get support and to support others and to do what I need to do to be healthy.

You know what? I weighed myself and then put my shirt back on, and I was like "ick, why is it wet?" Then I realized it was my sweat. I work out so hard that I sweat. Gross, but awesome. I have been doing this faithfully for 20 days. I've been watching my calories, making better choices, exercising, sleeping well. I haven't felt this good in a long time. My life is coming together in so many ways and I have so many things to be thankful for. Only 1 lb my ass. I lost one fucking pound! That's something to be proud of. And I ate out THREE times this week (bbq pork, fries, and a salad with ranch on monday, footlong sub on friday, and chicken strip salad with ranch on saturday). And I still lost a pound. So there bad attitude. In your face. I'm not going to let my dysfunctional, unreasonable self talk me out of something I should be happy about.

My goals for this week are to work out 6 days for at least 36 minutes. I also want to keep my calories within the range. I keep going under, and I want to be more consistent about that. I also want to make sure my apartment is clean and I get some laundry done this week. Oh yea, and send out those letters. gah!

Biggest Loser

I just wanted a day to "sleep in and lay in bed" so I chose today. I've been feeling a bit down lately as mentioned in the previous post, so I decided to watch some Project Runway, and then I ended up watching the Biggest Loser. Holy moly, what an emotional 1.5 hours that was! I pretty much cried during the beginning, and a bit in the middle and the end. I didn't know what was wrong with me. But after thinking about it a bit, I realized I did.

I've been feeling a lot of kinship with the people around me who have been constantly supporting me in losing weight and making better choices, especially with people at work and my mom. I can't tell you how freeing and terrifying it is to announce your weight to people. I felt ashamed and discouraged because I am a 24 year old accomplished woman, who weighed almost 250 pounds. Wtf? Everyone was shocked, because I didn't look like I weighed that much, but the shock was still there. The "wow, I can't believe that" kind of aspect. So when those people got on the scale in front of family members, friends, and their towns and exposed themselves in that way, I knew the terror and embarrassment, but also the freedom that comes with having your "dirty little secret" out of the closet.

To see parent with their kids, wives with their husbands, and brothers cry together over the state that they had let themselves get into was overwhelmingly sad. That father and daughter? Made me think of me and my dad and how much we love each other, and how he's been worried about my weight since I've been younger.

I don't really know how much weight I'm going to lose. I don't really know what my future holds. I do know, that I want this. I really want this. And I don't want to be in competition. I don't have this feeling of "I'm going to keep what I'm doing a secret so nobody else can do it with me" or "I'm doing this alone." It's not a competition. It's not a race. It's not a time to compare myself with other people and their progress or non progress. This, is the year of me. This is the year that I turn 25, and that I change who I've shown myself to be, and how I've treated myself all these years. When I turn a quarter of a century old, I'm going to be 50 pounds lighter AT LEAST. I'm going to do it, because I'm worth it.

I want to have life, and life to the fullest. I've always been steps ahead of my peers in a lot of areas of my life. But I don't want to measure myself up against them anymore. I don't want to say, "oh I'm farther along than that person in this, this and this area." I want to live my life to MY limit. I want to reach the heights that I can reach. I will do this. I am determined, I am blessed to have my own apartment, a great job, and a wonderful support group. I can do this, and I'm stoked to see how it goes.

taking an exercise break

I decided (as I bent over to turn on the PS2) and my back was hurting and my body generally sore, that I'm going to take a break today from my 30 minutes of DDR exercise. Thoughts in my mind? "What, this breaks the streak." "If you do this will you gain weight?" "What if you don't do it tomorrow too" "Is this a good idea?" "I'll have to eat less" "My tracker will be mad at me because I said I'd do it every day" But the one thought that came to my head that I'm going to hold onto is one that is kinda inspired by Meghan--I'm not going to legalistic and rigid with my life goals. It's ok to take a break every once in awhile. I've been exercising non stop. Maybe my body needs a break. Even if it doesn't, it's ok. I've been faithful in everything else. And there will be a day, in the future, that I'll have to take a break and "break the streak." It might as well be today when there isn't so much riding on it.

I'm actually thinking of revising my goals to 6 days a week, with Wednesdays (my volunteer day) off. That's probably a good idea. Anyway, I'm leaving on the side of the road self doubt, rigidity, and angst. I'll be ok :)

thoughts

So, today (as we have been most of the week) we talked about our new "weight loss/life goals" challenge that we want to do at work. We then somehow got on the topic of weight, and how much people weighed. Meghan was POSITIVE that I weighed less than her, and I kept telling her that that was inaccurate. So finally I just told her--Meghan, my starting weight was 246. She absolutely did not believe me. I told her "why would I lie about something like that?" And she refused to believe me. I told Augustine and Adam eventually, and they both didn't believe me or were shocked when I told them. Oh yea, I told them I wanted to lose 110 lbs total and they looked at me like I was going to end up weighing 80-100 lbs.

One, it's good to know that I didn't look like I weighed that much. I know I'm well proportioned and carry my weight well--Augustine said it first but everyone else agreed...it's because I'm black haha. But also, it feels really good to speak those words and for there to be no secrecy or shame about it. Of course, I don't want it shouted to the rooftops, but it feels good that I can trust them with that number.

Also, Meghan said something interesting to me that I'm definitely going to consider. We were talking about how beautiful Jennifer Hudson is, and she was like "I don't think you need to lose 110 lbs. I think you would be absolutely happy at 160 lbs and that it would look really well on you." It was definitely an eye opening because I have this idea that 125-130 is how I'll look my best. But, does that mean I'll lose my curves? Does it mean I'll lose my lusciousness, my booty, my boobs? If so, she's right. I don't want to be 125 lbs. So I'm going to change my goal to 150lbs.

The awesome thing? When I type in 150 lbs as my goal weight, it says I can be that weight by November of this year if I lose 2 lbs a week. That's so incredibly exciting and encouraging. Now, I know that I'll probably not be able to do it that quickly, and there will be rough patches...but to even know it's possible gets me super jazzed and encourages me to keep at it. I haven't been thin...ever. I've always felt chubby (even when I wasn't). Ok so I was thin up until 6th grade...then puberty and the awkwardness hit and even though I wasn't that big, I still felt big. Now that I think about it, I've always been a little more curvaceous that my other friends, and I just always thought I was fat. But I realize that wasn't really so. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm excited for my goals :)

Short term goals

So, as far as weight loss. I've decided to set some short term goals. First, I want to lose 5% of my weight. Unfortunately, since I last weighed in, I might have gained 4 lbs. Doh! So 5% of my weight is 12.32 lbs. That will get me down to 234lbs. I've been there before, sadly, almost 2 years ago. I want to lose 110lbs. That seems like so much it's daunting. That's 45% of my weight. I want to be half my size. This is going to be a long journey, but it's worth taking.

I want to start out exercising 30 minutes every day for the next two weeks. Once I've successfully worked out 2 WHOLE weeks for 30 minutes a day, I will up that to 45 minutes. After four weeks of 45 minutes a day, I will up it to an hour six days a week.

As far as food, I want to start eating lunch at work. I want to stop eating out, and start eating food in. That's my first goal. This means, that I need to grocery shop, get stuff for sandwiches, and also cook meals during the week/end. Sandwiches, fruit, and veggies are on my list of things to buy. Also easy snack foods. I want to start cooking, and then after doing that, I want to figure out how to cook healthier. First focus is cooking at home, second focus is getting it to be healthier.

I want to sleep more. I want to get 7-8 hours of sleep every day. Depending on the day, this means I need to be in bed by 11 or 12. If I'm budgeting 1 hour a day (in the future) to work out, this means I need to have time to make breakfast, take care of the apts, etc. So I need to be up by 7 or 8 most days. On good days, I can be up at 8:30-9.

Annnnnnd, even though for some reason my mind is resisting this, I want to start reading my Bible every day. I don't want to be legalistic about it. I don't want to make it a chore, but I want to be disciplined. So what's the difference? Where's the line? Hm.

Ok, that's all I have right now for short term goals.

Goals, goals, goals

So far this week, I've made chicken tortilla soup, a dairy free smoothie, resisted snacking at the Club, worked out for 30 minutes, and went to bed at 9:00. I'm really glad that I didn't let my rough start yesterday deter me from getting a better start today.

I've realized that if I'm going to start this journey, and stay on it in a meaningful way, that I need to set goals. And I need to be realistic about my goals and what I can do...as well as be willing to push myself.

So, here are my goals: lose weight, eat better, catch up on late bills, and then consistently pay bills on time, save money, pay off my credit cards, volunteer, cook meals, be apart of a meaningful small group (ie do my best to be vulnerable, to make relationships, etc.), take a class, continue game nights, and sleep better.

Overall, I think I want to start caring about myself and my life more. I've decided not to sleep with M. again. There have been many factors preventing me from doing so--mainly my period and time--but I also used my parents and how much they care for me as a deterrent as well. And as I was working out, I thought about moments that I had with Miles that I can't take back. And I realized that I do regret times and moments that I had given him. And I realized that I care enough about myself to not create any more of those moments. To not give myself and more reason to have regrets. And that felt good. It feels good.

As I'm writing this I realize that other than small group, there aren't a bunch of goals that include...discipline as far as my faith. I don't think those are "unspoken" things. In fact, I know that they are things that are most important to my spiritual well being. I know this in my head, but I'm not making it important in my life...and that's something that I want to do. So, I want to restart with my tithing. I want to support Bethany and their amazing work. I also want to read my Bible more consistently. I want to engage with the Word instead of just working off what I've already learned. I want to read books that have to do with my faith as well.

There are things that I want in life. I want a husband, kids, and a home to love them in. I want to be able to climb a mountain one day. I want to be able to run a mile. In fact, I want to be able to run five miles. I want a healthier, thinner body. I want to be able to wear short sleeves and shorts without feeling super self conscious. I want to be free from debt. I want, I want, I want. I need Jesus. I need your help. I need your guidance. I need your wisdom. I need your love. I need your compassion. I need your patience. I need your kindness. I need your forgiveness. I need...you. More than anything, I need you. And I ask for your help in this new journey that I'm going to start. I can't do it without you. You have made me into the person I am, so I pray that you will help me use those qualities to achieve the goals I've set before myself. And I pray that your will be done.

Little Steps

Today I resisted eating food when I was bored. This, is a problem I've realized over the...years...that I've had. It's funny how many times I will actually just go to the kitchen looking to eat something--and I'm not even remotely hungry. It'll be good to start being in tune with my body again and realizing hunger pangs vs. boredom pangs.

I also am trying to be responsible and get my bills paid on time. More than that, I've resolved not to ask my mom for money to help me pay my dentist bill. She has helped me out so many times, I need to sacrifice a little and suffer for my misdeeds :) I have been VERY blessed with multiple gift cards, as well as gifts. This has helped my shopping urges!

Oh yea and I reread my blog posts, and I'm proud to say I've accomplished a couple of things. One, I've joined a small group--and I love it. I've also canceled my cable, am volunteering at a women's shelter and familyworks, and I'm continuing my game nights. So those goals I'm setting? Yea I'm actually doing them. I've even been working up an effort to be a better manager, and with my new raise, am going to find a class that I enjoy.

It feels good to look back and see some goals that I'm achieving. Bad news, I just weighed myself on my mom's scale and am up about 5-10 lbs. Not sure if it's accurate or not seeing as her scale has often weighed me differently than mine. Yikes. I really hope it's not. Another factor could be the pms stuff as well. Good news is is that starting Jan 4th my new exercise regimen will start happening. My brother is letting me borrow his Wii and I will for sure have my DDR set up by then. I need to not let the number on the scale get me down :/ It's threatening to make my spirits plummet, but I'm not gonna let it.

Ok, well it's time for bed now I suppose :)