Noviembre esta aqui!

I have no idea if that's the correct spanish. I'm just gonna go with it :) It's been over a month since I've been on this blog, and I have to admit, that Sparkpeople has been so convenient for blogging. It not only is a website that I log into everyday, but it offers support, which, to be honest, this one doesn't really offer. However, I do want to pop back in on here and update (everyone? haha) on where my progress is.

Weight loss since starting
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Aug 15th (22nd WI) 1.5 lost, 216
Aug 22nd (23rd WI) o lost, 216
Aug 28th (24th WI) 2.4 lost, 213.6
Sept 9th (25th WI) 1.2 lost, 212.4
Sept 11th (26th WI) 2.6 lost, 209.8
Oct 25th (27th WI) 5.2 lost, 204.6

When I actually look at the numbers, it's really encouraging...because now I know that I can successfully lose the remaining weight.  I was blogging on Sparkpeople, and talking about how I was no longer afraid to TRY to do stuff anymore, and it made me think of this blog and how I was so fearful starting out.  I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not looking good even when I was thinner. I was afraid of looking dumb. I was afraid of standing out. I was afraid of...so many things.  My self-confidence was lagging, and although I've always been pretty confident at whatever weight I was at, I didn't feel...comfortable with myself.

I don't really know how to describe it but it was as if the life that I had lived thus far was only a stunted, small version of the life that I wanted.  There were so many things that I wanted but so many things that I was afraid of trying. And now, over a year later (I started this blog in October), I am 40 lbs lighter, and full of life and happieness. And my life no longer revolves around if a guy likes me/thinks I'm attractive, or if I look good to so and so in this dress, or if I can impress so and so with blah blah...it revolves around...me.

And when I say me, I mean the things that I love and enjoy. I no longer put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable or weird. I do all the nerdy things I like to do...including settlers and HP and poker. I am doing well at my job. I'm a runner! I'm getting stronger and losing weight everyday. I'm making new friends and laying a foundation for deeper relationships with people of my faith. I'm reading like crazy! I'm stepping out and trying and doing new things....and I'm loving life! This is the most free and full that I've felt in a long time. Not only am I healthy in body, but I'm healthy in mind and spirit. God is good. You ask for help, and he gives it. You cry out for LIFE and he supplies it.

I found this manfesto, called the holstee manifesto, and it perfectly describes my new motto on life:

"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop;
they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."

Every last phrase of this spoke to me, but I've found that at this point and time, the one that resonates for me the most is the stop looking for the love of your life, because they'll be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love. I've always believed that, but it's never been put into those words.  No matter how much I will and want my future husband to come, he's not going to come until it's time. Life is too short to waste on wondering and waiting and pining. For me, I thought that ok, if I'm not going to wait and pine and I'm just going to start getting together with people, even people that I know won't work in the long run. Which, shockingly, didn't work out for the best.

I always thought that I was a "throw 'em away, don't get involved, leave them before they hurt you, no emotions" kind of girl. Now I'm realizing that what I really was was a girl who wanted to be SURE that I was "wantable", because I was so tired of waiting. And so I accepted whoever what there, because it made me feel desired and that I was "wantable."  But those encounters made me feel more unstable and insecure than before...and it took me awhile to realize those "lines" I was feeding myself weren't really lines...they were truth. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and the fleeting encounters I can have with this guy or that will never fill that desire. The false intimacy and comfort I felt with M. could never add up in a million years to the comfort and intimacy of someone who I knew I could share my life with. And I knew it, but I just kept trying because you know what? It's fucking hard to wait.

It's hard when I know that I could walk into somewhere, flirt, flash a couple of smiles, wear a hot dress with boots and walk out with a guy who is more than willing to fill my need for love and comfort. It's hard when I have opportunities that I could capitalize on. It's hard when I definitely have a libido! It's hard to not wonder "hmmm, maybe I can put up with their pot smoking habit..." or "is faith really that important to me?" in times of weakness. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to lie and say I'm strong. It's a struggle that I fight every day and will probably continue to fight.

But there's a difference between the being with M. me and the me there is standing before you right now. The M. me said "why not, you don't have anything better to do" or "who cares?" or "what's another night?" And I would continue foolishly along the path that I created. The me today, answers those questions like this: "I have infinitely more better things to do. I would rather spend a night alone than with someone who doesn't love me." "I care. I care more about myself now that I ever have in my life and I'm not willing to risk my well-being and the wonderful life that I have created for some random guy." "Another night is another part of me that I let go of. That I say isn't worthy of something better. Another night is me saying I don't really care, because I'll be ready when the right one comes along. And that's not true, because I care."

So here I am now, in a completely different state of mind than before. Before, I would wait, and pine and hope that life would start once this "mysteriously wonderful man" came into my life. Now, I'm living my life and doing what I love. And hopefully there will be a guy out there who can keep up with me and who can love some of the things that I love. I'm not waiting around, I'm living. I'm not looking actively, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And most of all, I'm living. Living life in a way that I have never lived before. And I love it.

Wow, I didn't think this would turn into...a "go me/power rant" like this but it did :)

lazy day

I have cheated on this blog for the convenience and support of my sparkpeople blog. :/ I will work on keeping this one up as well :)

I went for my yearly visit to my doctor yesterday and aside from being healthy, she said I had nearly perfect BP and was super happy about my weight loss. I did JM 30DS level two and let me tell you, it'll probably be a good long while before I graduate from the level. The plank position seems to be in more than half of the circuits and I was DYING the whole time :) It was a good workout though. I had a fantastic time Friday night, although Saturday I was rewarded with a lingering headache and an gurgly stomach every once in awhile.

For the past couple of weeks I've been eating recklessly--I did a lot of shopping and my eating habits suffered for it. But after going grocery shopping this past week I'm ready to be back in the saddle of eating nutritiously...not just being aware of calories. More fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and cooking at home are in my future--which I'm excited about. It's nice to have convenient dinners like smart ones around, but nothing beat a fresh homecooked meal.

Yesterday I spent much of the day lounging around my apartment after my dr's appointment. I think I'm going to do JM, clean up my apartment, write my brother, and then head off to get some running in. Next weekend I'll be running another 5k and I need to get back into shape for it :) I was rubbing the shin and for the first time I noticed that the bone sticks out now...no more fat cushioning it, it long and lean and sharp :) My legs are slimming up and having nice contours and muscles as well. Despite my grumbling about JM, I never would have been able to do that workout earlier this year, and I'm happy about the progress I've made in becoming healthier, happier, and stronger. What a good year...I'm excited for everything else that is to come.

I turn 25 right at the end of 2010, and I'm really excited that I'm preparing to live the next quarter century of my life with vigor and vitality. I truly want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd...and I'm gaining it, day by day. God is good :)

Where I am vs. where I was

I've been feeling very introspective lately, and when I say lately I mean this weekend, and when I say this weekend I mean pretty much today. It's been interesting helping my parents pack up and move, and when I say interesting, I mean exhausting, hilarious, fun, and bittersweet. I can't believe they're leaving me for the beautiful beaches of Hawaii, but I'm also excited to be joining them every so often there as well.

When I look at my mindset, and where I was last year vs. this year, I'm amazed.  I'm amazed at the growth, the determination, the attitude change, the new healthy lifestyle...I'm amazed at all of it. Literally a year ago I was writing about what I wanted for my job at the club and how I wanted to change lives and how I was excited about where this year was going to take me (after thinking that maybe I was going to pick up and move), and here I am with a new job, in a better position to impact and love and change lives. God is so good.

I'm amazed at not only what I've learned, but also how I've taken what I've learned and DONE something with it. I've learned that I'm stronger that I thought I was. I've learned that I'm not a quitter. I've learned that fear is not something that has to live in me, and in fact that I hold it's eviction notice in my hand . I've learned that I'm a runner. I've learned that I have more support than I ever could have imagined. I've learned that I love my family more than words can say and that I have, quite possibly, the best family in the world. No joke. I've relearned my love of reading. I've learned that I'm a pretty damn good poker player. I've learned that I like to take risks. I've learned that my primary love language is TIME and that spending time with the people I love is more important to me than hugs, kind words, cleaning my dishes, or gifts. Oh man I've learned so much--I could fill a page...but the most important things I've learned, are that I love myself, I love the life I have been given, and I want to LIVE my life in the way it was meant to be lived.

So far, this "year of me" has taught me how I've undervalued, and underestimated myself, and I will never do that again. I will never fail to try because I think I can't do it ever again. I will never let other people make decisions about who I should be or what I want. Eesh I'm so proud and at peace but I'm also nervous and anticipatory. I have accomplished so much, and I KNOW I can do more. I can't stop now, and I will "have life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."

So here's to life, and where it takes us. I wrote this almost a year ago, and I think it's appropriate to quote now:

Life as of now is never how (I) would have expected it. But it's good, and it's exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Thank you Jesus, for all that you've done.

speaking of that brave new me...

You know I'm really proud of myself. I'm reaching a lot of goals and I'm reaching out past my comfort zones--especially when it comes to meeting new people. If you know me, you know I feel awkward with new people unless I'm in my "comfort" zone. This can mean several things--it could mean that I'm in my own house/parent's house. It could mean that we're doing an activity that I'm good at or excited about. It could mean that we're talking about a subject that I'm knowledgeable or comfortable with. It could mean that I'm with people that I know and can therefore be myself with. It's usually one of those things, although there's probably more.  But this year, I did and am doing things that have been completely out of my comfort zone.

1. Joined a small group.
This was with my bff so there was safety there, but it still made me feel SUPER nervous. I still laugh when I remember us driving up to the pub to "hang out" afterwards and then walking quickly away when we saw there was nobody we knew and no seats available haha. But we did join the small group, and that was a big step.

2. Formed a game night.
This is something that I'm still developing and working on--with peoples schedules and such we don't get together as often as I'd like, but whenever we do, it's a blast. I've met several new people that I've enjoyed getting to know, and we're scheduling a new game night as I type. So, it's still going. Craigslist is useful for so many things...

3. Joined a book club
This, is something that I'm doing completely on my own. I don't have any friends who are doing it with me...which in the first two cases I had people I knew there. Our first meeting is Aug 2nd (I missed the org meeting because of that damn stomach flu), but I've already felt the benefit from it because of the recommended book--I loved it. I'm so excited (and nervous) to meet these girls and hopefully connect on an intellectual level :)

4. Joined a poker night
I just recently did this today, and I'm super nervous and excited for this as well. I play poker with a good friend and his buddies all the time, but it's so inconsistent and I really wanted to find a more stable game.  Whelp, I found one right here in Wallingford that meets every Tuesday. The guy I talked to said it's mostly men, but that there are some girls who are apart of the group. Hopefully it won't be too awkward--but if it is, I can just stop going. I definitely want to try it though...plus I love poker.

I'm really proud that I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort zones, and making an effort to get to know new people and tap into activities I love. One thing, that I've realized as I've done this, is that the game groups, the book groups, etc. are not a substitution for that group of believers who share the same faith as me. I still want to find a group of people that I meld well with and grow close to. I can't remember that last time I talked about my faith with someone (well, ok yes I can but not in a mutually edifying sort of way, it was more in an, answering questions about my faith and what I believed sort of way), and I miss that challenging, life affirming connection with people.

So, I'm making it a goal to make it to church on Sundays...this Sunday will be my parents church as I'm going home for the weekend but next Sunday I think I'm going to make an effort to go to Bethany again. They're introducing new "community groups" where you get together and do activities...trying to rectify the fact that you can go there for a year and still not be connected to the church--which has been my experience in the past.  Anyway, it's just another learned lesson for me--if I don't go for it, try it, do something about it...nothing will happen. So I'm going for it. I'm going to be fearless.

Excited :)

Tomorrow I'm going to start my routine all over again. I'm super excited to get back to focusing on me. There's been a lot of craziness going on around me, and I just want to step back from all the drama, and just...do me. I've been reading A LOT of books lately. I canceled my cable awhile ago, and I've been staying away from the internet long enough to get some actual brain to paper time :) It's been really enjoyable. I recently finished the book "Nappily Ever After" by Trisha Thomas and it was an easy read...and I actually identified a lot with it.

So, today, I'm going to focus on getting my house in order. Cause I know that I do not function well in a messy house...and considering that it's generally messy all the time...well..haha. I've been sick with a godawful cold since Wednesday, and I'm just now feeling that my nose is going to stop being simultaneously stuffed up and running (don't you hate it when it's BOTH?!?) My ear was so plugged up, that I couldn't even hear my loud bathroom fan running. Pretty sad eh? All unhappiness about being sick aside, I'm just glad it's not stomach or anxiety related. I'd rather have a cold any day that have that.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I'm going to clean my apartment, then I'm going to clean THE apartments--sweep, mop, vacuum, wipe down...all the lovely stuff. Then, I'm going to settle in with a new book...not sure what but I'm excited...and I'm going to sleep for at least 8 hours...if not 10 :)

Tomorrow is a new day, fresh, with no mistakes in it. Tomorrow, is the restart of my adventure. I lost almost 30lbs the last time I started on this adventure 6 months ago and I've ready to start losing again. Back to the basics with tracking my calories (blah), weighing in (ugh), exercising (yay?), and focusing on me. Yes. I've mentioned these goals before, but I want to be able to run a whole 5k by the start of the new school year (Sept 8th?) for those of you who are counting. Annnnnnnd--I want to be under 200. I haven't weighed myself in about a week or so, so we'll see if that amounts to 20 or 25lbs. I know I've gained a bit of weight with all the traveling and such, so we'll see what the damage is.

Ten weeks is what I have. And, to be honest, 25lbs in 10 weeks is a lot. So, I'm not going to sweat it if I don't reach that goal, but at the minimum, I want to be in the 20-'s. If that makes sense. Out of the teens :) If I can make it there, I will be a happy girl. But you all know how I like lofty goals!

Here's the plan to reach both goals:
Exercise--
M,W,F work out with my DDR/home video in the morning. Bust out 30 minutes of work out time.
T,R,S start the Couch to 5k program with week one. Do this after work, at the handy dandy lil track near Greenlake.
Sunday...the Sabbath. No working out...I'm keeping it holy ;)

Eating--
Eating out 1-3 times a week. Tops. And I mean it! I can eat out for lunch once a week, and can do dinner up to 2 times during the week. No mas.
Bringing lunch to the Club 4/5 days a week.

Cooking my own meals during the week. This can include sandwich making or eating pepperoni and carrots (a weird combination I know but I love it). Doesn't have to be a full scale meal, I just need to eat the food that I buy from the grocery store 5/7 days a week. At least.
Tracking, tracking, tracking. I need to get back on track with tracking my calories. A little cookie here, a couple of chips there, and I've gone over my calories. I'm getting back to tracking now.

Personal--Take a Class, find a book club, get more involved in a church, volunteer, restart game nights...
The possibilities are endless. I just want to do something that is stimulating and that I have fun with. I'm not picky (unless it's spending the night at a club or wasting money on booze...then no thank you), I just want to have a fun, sun filled, wonderfully fresh summer.

So that's the plan people. And...I need your help. I need your help to stay motivated and to keep up with my goals. I am a pretty self-motivated person, but I need people, and I would love to have your support :)

so proud of myself

I am so proud of how far I've gotten. I've worked hard, been consistent, made better choices, and I've lost 17.4 pounds in 5 weeks. It's incredibly uplifting and makes me smile every time I think of that. I feel like this is also the point that I could decide "oh, I've done it, I've proven I can lose weight" and stop. I've found that in my life, I tend to try new things, prove that I can be good at them, and then stop and do something else. I stop before I can be "great" or "amazing." Because I set my goals at just being "good enough." And also because I'm afraid that I can't be "great" or "amazing." So I've found out that I can successfully lose weight. I've found out that I can get into the 220s again. I've found out that I can eat right and exercise and actually ENJOY it. And now I feel like I'm wavering on that line of "ok, done."

And I don't mind wavering. I don't. I understand that we have our habits and our mindsets and things like that. But one thing that I refuse to do is waver and then step back. I won't do what I've done so many times before. I remember this time two years ago I had lost about ten pounds and then got sick and lost another ten. And people were like "wow you look great" and I just took that and didn't get back on the wagon. I figured that I could stop tracking, that I could stop exercising everyday and that things would still continue to get better. But they didn't. I gained almost all of it back. And I refuse to do it again. I refuse to let the myself say "oh you've achieved it" when I really haven't. I refuse to give into fear.

This is just the start of my journey. This is the beginning of a new life, new outlook, and new habits. I'm going to take this day by day, and I'm going to fight. And I know there will be days when I don't have any fight left in me...and I'm going to at least stand up. I refuse to sit, I refuse to stop, I refuse to let go. I can't wait until I get into the 210s, then 200s, then 100s. I can't wait, and I can see those days clearly, but only if I continue standing up and doing what I'm supposed to do.

I love the fact that my clothes are getting smaller. I love the fact that I'm cooking more, and that my body feels better. I love that people are noticing. I love all of that. But more than that, I love myself. I love the fact that I have made a decision, set forth goals, and am achieving those goals one by one. I'm so happy, and as I lay here lazily, I know that it's time to get up and continue THIS day. To do it today. To stand up, and make a choice to love myself more and more everyday. I'm so proud of myself.

Day 1. Decisions Decisions...

So, today is the first official day of my new life. My life that will not necessarily be devoid of fear, but it will be full despite fear. I've been wondering what I need to change to encourage myself to live a fuller life. There are certain things that are holding me back. First, there's my health, and my general unhappiness about my body and my non-active lifestyle.

Day by day I've just been feeling chunkier and unattractive. I look great in clothes, and I have a great shape, but I'm overweight. Very overweight. I've been big all of my life, and I'm making the decision that I don't want to be obese any longer. So what steps to take?

1) I'm going to make it a goal to cook at my apartment 3 days a week. That allows for leftovers for lunch and dinner, as well as a day during the week that I can eat out. I may do 2 days. One lunch, one dinner maybe? Or just two days to eat out. That way I can still have lunch with Adam, and I can eat out on the weekends with friends.

2) I'm going to cut down on my sugar intake. I've found out that my excessive and mindless consumption of sugar has been causing me to have yeast infections. Yes, I know, that's gross and probably too much information...but it's a consequence. And I don't want to have to deal with that gross and uncomfortable problem. Frequent yeast infections are also a symptom of diabetes. And I for sure don't want to be diabetic. So I'm making a move now.

3) I'm going to cut down on the diet drinks and up my consumption of water. This is hard because I'm not a big drinker. I'll have to force myself to drink. But I've done it before. I just need to be focused and consistent.

4) I'm going to start exercising. The thing that I know works for me is DDR. I was doing DDR when I lost weight before, and it totally worked. I think (ok I know) I'm a bit lazy. I don't like to have to get dressed, look decent, and then go out and walk the same walk every day. I like to work out in my shorts with my hair looking crazy. I also like a larger impact in a shorter amount of time, as well as knowing how much I'm doing. DDR does that. It counts the calories you're burning, shows the progress that you're making. I think I'm also going to break out the Zumba that I purchased. Maybe I'll learn a new skill!

5)I'm going to get rid of my cable. Getting rid of cable is something that will help me in many parts of my life; this is just one of them. TV sucks my time away from me. It literally keeps me glued to the couch mindlessly. Now, when you think of a healthy lifestyle, this just isn't one that lends itself to one. I'm not getting rid of my TV, I'm getting rid of those extra channels that I just don't need. Those channels that call to me and say "watch the drama, craziness, and intrigue." I lived without cable for two years and I was much. happier.

6) I'm going to look into Weight Watchers. I think having a support group is important and worth it. Eventually, I may even look into a gym. Weight Watchers first though ;)

So that's the first change that I'm going to make, with steps to take in making them. Stay tuned for the next blog about...dun dun dun...money!