so proud of myself

I am so proud of how far I've gotten. I've worked hard, been consistent, made better choices, and I've lost 17.4 pounds in 5 weeks. It's incredibly uplifting and makes me smile every time I think of that. I feel like this is also the point that I could decide "oh, I've done it, I've proven I can lose weight" and stop. I've found that in my life, I tend to try new things, prove that I can be good at them, and then stop and do something else. I stop before I can be "great" or "amazing." Because I set my goals at just being "good enough." And also because I'm afraid that I can't be "great" or "amazing." So I've found out that I can successfully lose weight. I've found out that I can get into the 220s again. I've found out that I can eat right and exercise and actually ENJOY it. And now I feel like I'm wavering on that line of "ok, done."

And I don't mind wavering. I don't. I understand that we have our habits and our mindsets and things like that. But one thing that I refuse to do is waver and then step back. I won't do what I've done so many times before. I remember this time two years ago I had lost about ten pounds and then got sick and lost another ten. And people were like "wow you look great" and I just took that and didn't get back on the wagon. I figured that I could stop tracking, that I could stop exercising everyday and that things would still continue to get better. But they didn't. I gained almost all of it back. And I refuse to do it again. I refuse to let the myself say "oh you've achieved it" when I really haven't. I refuse to give into fear.

This is just the start of my journey. This is the beginning of a new life, new outlook, and new habits. I'm going to take this day by day, and I'm going to fight. And I know there will be days when I don't have any fight left in me...and I'm going to at least stand up. I refuse to sit, I refuse to stop, I refuse to let go. I can't wait until I get into the 210s, then 200s, then 100s. I can't wait, and I can see those days clearly, but only if I continue standing up and doing what I'm supposed to do.

I love the fact that my clothes are getting smaller. I love the fact that I'm cooking more, and that my body feels better. I love that people are noticing. I love all of that. But more than that, I love myself. I love the fact that I have made a decision, set forth goals, and am achieving those goals one by one. I'm so happy, and as I lay here lazily, I know that it's time to get up and continue THIS day. To do it today. To stand up, and make a choice to love myself more and more everyday. I'm so proud of myself.