Biggest Loser

I just wanted a day to "sleep in and lay in bed" so I chose today. I've been feeling a bit down lately as mentioned in the previous post, so I decided to watch some Project Runway, and then I ended up watching the Biggest Loser. Holy moly, what an emotional 1.5 hours that was! I pretty much cried during the beginning, and a bit in the middle and the end. I didn't know what was wrong with me. But after thinking about it a bit, I realized I did.

I've been feeling a lot of kinship with the people around me who have been constantly supporting me in losing weight and making better choices, especially with people at work and my mom. I can't tell you how freeing and terrifying it is to announce your weight to people. I felt ashamed and discouraged because I am a 24 year old accomplished woman, who weighed almost 250 pounds. Wtf? Everyone was shocked, because I didn't look like I weighed that much, but the shock was still there. The "wow, I can't believe that" kind of aspect. So when those people got on the scale in front of family members, friends, and their towns and exposed themselves in that way, I knew the terror and embarrassment, but also the freedom that comes with having your "dirty little secret" out of the closet.

To see parent with their kids, wives with their husbands, and brothers cry together over the state that they had let themselves get into was overwhelmingly sad. That father and daughter? Made me think of me and my dad and how much we love each other, and how he's been worried about my weight since I've been younger.

I don't really know how much weight I'm going to lose. I don't really know what my future holds. I do know, that I want this. I really want this. And I don't want to be in competition. I don't have this feeling of "I'm going to keep what I'm doing a secret so nobody else can do it with me" or "I'm doing this alone." It's not a competition. It's not a race. It's not a time to compare myself with other people and their progress or non progress. This, is the year of me. This is the year that I turn 25, and that I change who I've shown myself to be, and how I've treated myself all these years. When I turn a quarter of a century old, I'm going to be 50 pounds lighter AT LEAST. I'm going to do it, because I'm worth it.

I want to have life, and life to the fullest. I've always been steps ahead of my peers in a lot of areas of my life. But I don't want to measure myself up against them anymore. I don't want to say, "oh I'm farther along than that person in this, this and this area." I want to live my life to MY limit. I want to reach the heights that I can reach. I will do this. I am determined, I am blessed to have my own apartment, a great job, and a wonderful support group. I can do this, and I'm stoked to see how it goes.