Weight loss is such a struggle! I've been struggling with these last couple of lbs right before 200 for the past 4-5 months! I've been struggling with my eating, and I've been struggling with exercise, and it's just been hard. I felt so close the other week and now I've bounced back to the mid 200s.
Right now I'm sitting in my living room and thinking to myself 'you should workout.' But what I really want to do is go back to sleep. I want to just lay down, and forget my worries, struggles, EVERYTHING! for just one second. I'm so emotionally drained and confused right now that working out seems to be the last thing that I want to do.
I want to be DONE with the 200s. I want to move on, and I can't seem to let go. I don't know if it's fear, or laziness, or what...but I know I can lose these last few lbs. I know I can. I just want to be done. To see the numbers go down permanently, not just for a day.
My problem is, is when I see the number on the scale change, I decide to be lax. I don't know where this attitude comes from, but it's completely sabotaging me! I never would have done this in my journey last year...I think the 40 lbs is making me cocky or something. So. Here's to consistency. Here's to working out consistently, eating consistently, sleeping consistently, having a consistent social life. Ok, I'm going to do some yoga.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
back to the basics?
So, I've found myself making some pretty big decisions lately. I've been looking at my job, at my opportunities, at everything that I've learned over the past couple of years...and I'm finding that I want more. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy working in ratio with the kids every day. I'm finding that I'm yearning for knowledge and training that my job just doesn't want/isn't prepared to give me. I'm finding that I'm unhappy, and it's causing me to nitpick everything. I'm pretty much finding that it's time for me to move on.
Maybe this means moving on to another job, but I think it mostly means moving on from this emotional attachment I have to my job. I have this fear that I'm not going to be good enough, or that I don't have the skills that I need, or that I will fail in something new. I also do love the laid back nature of my job, my accommodating boss, and most of the people I work with. I'm kind of attached to those things. But the fear and attachment are literally getting me nowhere. I love the ease of the job, but it doesn't challenge me very much. In fact working with kids frustrates me and drains me...it makes me want to pull my hair out most of the time!
So...I'm looking at schools. And yes, I know that I've been looking at this for the past 6 years! But I think that I finally know what I want to do--I want to get my MBA. I feel like an MBA is broad enough to open doors to multiple avenues that I want to pursue. With an MBA I can still work non-profit, and it'll also give me knowledge to pair with my experience.
I called my mom, and she was ecstatic and very encouraging, as was my best friend. I've been mulling over this and I realize that the one...person? that I haven't really asked about it was God. I haven't prayed about it. And for some people this is ok, but for me, I really need some guidance...cause this is a big decision. I'm very dependent on this guy because he has led me every single place that I've been, and all those places have been wonderful. He has opened the door to opportunities that I never thought possible, and he has helped alleviate fear in my life. Yep, God. My faith is a constant in my life and while I'm terrible at acknowledging it and I've been not as connected in relationship as I should be, it's still my go to. The one thing that I trust above all others.
And I realize as I'm saying this that to be honest, I need to get back to cultivating my faith and relationship with God. That not only is it important to me, but it's pretty essential to my happiness and well being. So...yea. That's where I'm at right now. Big scary decisions, and an even bigger, wonderful God. I'm excited to see what comes of it... :)
Maybe this means moving on to another job, but I think it mostly means moving on from this emotional attachment I have to my job. I have this fear that I'm not going to be good enough, or that I don't have the skills that I need, or that I will fail in something new. I also do love the laid back nature of my job, my accommodating boss, and most of the people I work with. I'm kind of attached to those things. But the fear and attachment are literally getting me nowhere. I love the ease of the job, but it doesn't challenge me very much. In fact working with kids frustrates me and drains me...it makes me want to pull my hair out most of the time!
So...I'm looking at schools. And yes, I know that I've been looking at this for the past 6 years! But I think that I finally know what I want to do--I want to get my MBA. I feel like an MBA is broad enough to open doors to multiple avenues that I want to pursue. With an MBA I can still work non-profit, and it'll also give me knowledge to pair with my experience.
I called my mom, and she was ecstatic and very encouraging, as was my best friend. I've been mulling over this and I realize that the one...person? that I haven't really asked about it was God. I haven't prayed about it. And for some people this is ok, but for me, I really need some guidance...cause this is a big decision. I'm very dependent on this guy because he has led me every single place that I've been, and all those places have been wonderful. He has opened the door to opportunities that I never thought possible, and he has helped alleviate fear in my life. Yep, God. My faith is a constant in my life and while I'm terrible at acknowledging it and I've been not as connected in relationship as I should be, it's still my go to. The one thing that I trust above all others.
And I realize as I'm saying this that to be honest, I need to get back to cultivating my faith and relationship with God. That not only is it important to me, but it's pretty essential to my happiness and well being. So...yea. That's where I'm at right now. Big scary decisions, and an even bigger, wonderful God. I'm excited to see what comes of it... :)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
settled?
I just helped my BFF move into her brand spanking new apartment--in my building! I am always on the search for something new, something different, something that will somehow change my life for the better. Whether this something is a new apartment, new job, new hobby, new friend, etc...I seem to always be on the search--never truly satisfied with what I have. I'm realizing that while that desire for "something new" can bring exciting and wonderful things into my life, it can also lead me into a dark path. Basically a path that leaves me unsatisfied, and never realizing how GOOD I have it.
I've been looking for a new job about 6 months after I got the job at the Club...and I've been here for 4 years since, becoming unsatisfied, searching for something new, not willing to take a risk, realizing how good I have it, basking in that for a couple of weeks, then the boredom sets in and I'm looking all over again. I do the same thing with most of the stuff in my life. Funny thing is, is that once I've found something that I truly love--which fits my expectations to a "t" I stop. I look around my apartment, and all of the furniture is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I have no need for anything else because I searched and found exactly what I was looking for.
I don't think my search for amazing and wonderful clothes will ever stop. :) I will forever and always be a clothes-a-holic and I think that I've gotten THAT spending habit pretty under control.
But back to the something new. I guess I had a moment of "ah, I want a brand new apartment with new carpet, repainted, etc..." and then I helped my friend move, and I realize how much hard work it is. How expensive it is. How everything seems unfinished until you get exactly what you want. How HARD it was to wait and search and be disappointed and at the end of the move I was tired. Tired of thinking about where to put this, how to put that in the truck, where everything was going to go, and moving heavy stuff.
Then I walked into my apartment. My apartment has every single thing that I've wanted in it. It has that killer couch I found on craiglist, that trunk coffee table, that mirror/coat hanger that I got for 5 bucks at goodwill, that table I bought from that woman in the trailer...etc. etc. etc. and I realize how GOOD I have it. How I've been there, and while it's fun and exciting, it's also hard work and I don't want all that work right now. I want to come home to my finished, perfectly wonderful apartment that I've made into a home and rest and relax. I've lived in this apartment for 2 years...longer than I've lived anywhere, and I am so happy to have this place as my own.
So here's to being settled. Here's to having a fantastic job, with wonderful people that I mostly get along with. Here's to being able to walk to work, and living in a amazing city with everything at my fingertips. Here's to the comforts of home, and here's to the hard work I put into it for these past couple of years. I'm excited for new adventures, and fullness of life, but I am also very thankful for what I have, and for the happiness that has been given to me. God is good :)
I've been looking for a new job about 6 months after I got the job at the Club...and I've been here for 4 years since, becoming unsatisfied, searching for something new, not willing to take a risk, realizing how good I have it, basking in that for a couple of weeks, then the boredom sets in and I'm looking all over again. I do the same thing with most of the stuff in my life. Funny thing is, is that once I've found something that I truly love--which fits my expectations to a "t" I stop. I look around my apartment, and all of the furniture is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I have no need for anything else because I searched and found exactly what I was looking for.
I don't think my search for amazing and wonderful clothes will ever stop. :) I will forever and always be a clothes-a-holic and I think that I've gotten THAT spending habit pretty under control.
But back to the something new. I guess I had a moment of "ah, I want a brand new apartment with new carpet, repainted, etc..." and then I helped my friend move, and I realize how much hard work it is. How expensive it is. How everything seems unfinished until you get exactly what you want. How HARD it was to wait and search and be disappointed and at the end of the move I was tired. Tired of thinking about where to put this, how to put that in the truck, where everything was going to go, and moving heavy stuff.
Then I walked into my apartment. My apartment has every single thing that I've wanted in it. It has that killer couch I found on craiglist, that trunk coffee table, that mirror/coat hanger that I got for 5 bucks at goodwill, that table I bought from that woman in the trailer...etc. etc. etc. and I realize how GOOD I have it. How I've been there, and while it's fun and exciting, it's also hard work and I don't want all that work right now. I want to come home to my finished, perfectly wonderful apartment that I've made into a home and rest and relax. I've lived in this apartment for 2 years...longer than I've lived anywhere, and I am so happy to have this place as my own.
So here's to being settled. Here's to having a fantastic job, with wonderful people that I mostly get along with. Here's to being able to walk to work, and living in a amazing city with everything at my fingertips. Here's to the comforts of home, and here's to the hard work I put into it for these past couple of years. I'm excited for new adventures, and fullness of life, but I am also very thankful for what I have, and for the happiness that has been given to me. God is good :)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Budget!
So I decided to do my budget today, see what it looks like. I actually am not that far off my goals. I was SUPPOSED to pay off one of my credit cards by this month, however I didn't make that goal and it's not happening till May. I'm still slated to pay off all my credit card debt by 2012, and when that happens, I'll be getting essentially a $450 raise. Can you believe that? I'm spending $450 on paying off my credit cards. Sheesh. Never again!
I realized as I looked at my budget that I have a pretty damn good budget. I just never followed it. So my goal this year is stepping it up and KEEPING to my budget...and remembering to budget the little things realistically...like birthdays, holidays, etc. I'm actually saving 5% of my income, budgeted electric more frequently, and upped my personal spending. I should PROBABLY budget better for those camping trips I want to take. Hmph. Ok, back to the drawing board. The good news is, is that it's looking good. And I'm excited.
I realized as I looked at my budget that I have a pretty damn good budget. I just never followed it. So my goal this year is stepping it up and KEEPING to my budget...and remembering to budget the little things realistically...like birthdays, holidays, etc. I'm actually saving 5% of my income, budgeted electric more frequently, and upped my personal spending. I should PROBABLY budget better for those camping trips I want to take. Hmph. Ok, back to the drawing board. The good news is, is that it's looking good. And I'm excited.
I resolve to...
I've never been one of those people who has made new years resolutions. I'm the kind of person who makes resolutions all year...and then I come to a point when I say "this, is what I'm going to do." And then I do it. Most of the time. There are some uncertainties like job changes, masters degrees, and moving to other states that take a few more back and forths before I settle on something. Anyway, if you've read this blog for any amount of time you know I like setting goals, and then re-evaluating them and then yea. So you know the process.
Last year, I resolved to make this "The Year of Me" and I put myself and what I wanted first. It's been a fantastic year. I've lost over 40 lbs, run in four 5k events, got involved in activities that interested me, received a promotion, found out I was allergic to sulfa drugs and resolved NEVER to go on prednisone if I can help it, read more books and cancelled my cable, realized I loved 2 hour massages, went to D.C. and Hawaii, and the list goes on and on. It has been fantastic, eye opening, and altogether fun.
This year is "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out" as I've mentioquotes that ned in a previous post. I'm going to list my goals, my dreams, my resolutions, and I hope and pray that at this time next year, I'll have achieved them. There are three quotes that I am going to start this list off with, because I love them and think they apply to this new year.
"The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller
"Whatever it is, if I stay with my flocks of familiarity, the word will become stored away in my head, maybe even deceive me into thinking I’m better for having heard. But I’m never better for having heard… I’m better for having responded."
Richard Dahlstrom
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Albus Dumbledore
Money
Re-evaluate my budget
STAY with my budget
Save at least 3% every month (on top of the 4% I'm putting aside in my 401K)
Tithe 10%. Regularly.
Continue to pay off credit cards, and pay what I've BUDGETED
Be realistic and flexible, but remember my goals :)
Job/s
Prioritize and manage my time better
Network.
Step up my planning.
Put more effort into my programs.
Implement a healthy lifestyles program for girls and boys.
Be positive and focus on what I can do to improve...not drama and negativity.
Turn my restlessness into productivity...not laziness.
Keep apartments clean and up to standard.
Turn stuff in on time :)
Faith
Go to church 3/4 Sundays a month.
Become involved in another community group.
Cultivate and continue new relationships.
Read scripture daily.
Tithe :)
Start volunteering again. Start with Tabitha...again.
Personal
Hike up a mountain
Camp at least 4 times this year...NOT including with kiddos from the Club
Spontaneous trip with the BFF
A fantastic, relaxing trip ALONE
Passport.
Canada!
cooking classes
Yoga
Buy a bike
Run one 5k per month until Sept
Start training for 10ks in Sept (maybe earlier?)
Join a gym? or maybe a fitness group..
read at least 1 new book a month
In this year of stepping up and stepping out, the biggest thing I want to do is challenge myself. I don't want to be mediocre, and I don't want just an average life--a life that is less than what I can have--I want life to the fullest! I want to continue with the amazing changes that I've brought to my life this year. And a big part of that is realizing that it's in my hands. Of course God is there guiding me and leading me to opportunities, but I have to start taking hold of things as well as appreciating what I have and working with those things. I want to love myself, deepen my relationship with God, and give to others what I have freely received. God is good.
Last year, I resolved to make this "The Year of Me" and I put myself and what I wanted first. It's been a fantastic year. I've lost over 40 lbs, run in four 5k events, got involved in activities that interested me, received a promotion, found out I was allergic to sulfa drugs and resolved NEVER to go on prednisone if I can help it, read more books and cancelled my cable, realized I loved 2 hour massages, went to D.C. and Hawaii, and the list goes on and on. It has been fantastic, eye opening, and altogether fun.
This year is "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out" as I've mentioquotes that ned in a previous post. I'm going to list my goals, my dreams, my resolutions, and I hope and pray that at this time next year, I'll have achieved them. There are three quotes that I am going to start this list off with, because I love them and think they apply to this new year.
"The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller
"Whatever it is, if I stay with my flocks of familiarity, the word will become stored away in my head, maybe even deceive me into thinking I’m better for having heard. But I’m never better for having heard… I’m better for having responded."
Richard Dahlstrom
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Albus Dumbledore
Money
Re-evaluate my budget
STAY with my budget
Save at least 3% every month (on top of the 4% I'm putting aside in my 401K)
Tithe 10%. Regularly.
Continue to pay off credit cards, and pay what I've BUDGETED
Be realistic and flexible, but remember my goals :)
Job/s
Prioritize and manage my time better
Network.
Step up my planning.
Put more effort into my programs.
Implement a healthy lifestyles program for girls and boys.
Be positive and focus on what I can do to improve...not drama and negativity.
Turn my restlessness into productivity...not laziness.
Keep apartments clean and up to standard.
Turn stuff in on time :)
Faith
Go to church 3/4 Sundays a month.
Become involved in another community group.
Cultivate and continue new relationships.
Read scripture daily.
Tithe :)
Start volunteering again. Start with Tabitha...again.
Personal
Hike up a mountain
Camp at least 4 times this year...NOT including with kiddos from the Club
Spontaneous trip with the BFF
A fantastic, relaxing trip ALONE
Passport.
Canada!
cooking classes
Yoga
Buy a bike
Run one 5k per month until Sept
Start training for 10ks in Sept (maybe earlier?)
Join a gym? or maybe a fitness group..
read at least 1 new book a month
In this year of stepping up and stepping out, the biggest thing I want to do is challenge myself. I don't want to be mediocre, and I don't want just an average life--a life that is less than what I can have--I want life to the fullest! I want to continue with the amazing changes that I've brought to my life this year. And a big part of that is realizing that it's in my hands. Of course God is there guiding me and leading me to opportunities, but I have to start taking hold of things as well as appreciating what I have and working with those things. I want to love myself, deepen my relationship with God, and give to others what I have freely received. God is good.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Stepping Up and Stepping Out
I'm having "one of those nights." You know what I mean...those nights when all you've done is lay around, watching mindless shows (ok, I watched Mad Men with the ever hot Don Draper), cruising around online, wondering "what the heck am I doing with my life?!?" I've done what I typically done on these nights...I've eaten...a lot...and I've searched and researched degrees and classes, and I've looked for jobs...all around the U.S. And I've been wondering what else is out there. What do I want for my life. How do I feel happier, fulfilled...how do I get more?
And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.
But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.
I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort. And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.
But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different. I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.
And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible. I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?
I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.
If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.
My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.
And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.
But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.
I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort. And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.
But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different. I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.
And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible. I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?
I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.
If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.
My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Noviembre esta aqui!
I have no idea if that's the correct spanish. I'm just gonna go with it :) It's been over a month since I've been on this blog, and I have to admit, that Sparkpeople has been so convenient for blogging. It not only is a website that I log into everyday, but it offers support, which, to be honest, this one doesn't really offer. However, I do want to pop back in on here and update (everyone? haha) on where my progress is.
Weight loss since starting
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Aug 15th (22nd WI) 1.5 lost, 216
Aug 22nd (23rd WI) o lost, 216
Aug 28th (24th WI) 2.4 lost, 213.6
Sept 9th (25th WI) 1.2 lost, 212.4
Sept 11th (26th WI) 2.6 lost, 209.8
Oct 25th (27th WI) 5.2 lost, 204.6
When I actually look at the numbers, it's really encouraging...because now I know that I can successfully lose the remaining weight. I was blogging on Sparkpeople, and talking about how I was no longer afraid to TRY to do stuff anymore, and it made me think of this blog and how I was so fearful starting out. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not looking good even when I was thinner. I was afraid of looking dumb. I was afraid of standing out. I was afraid of...so many things. My self-confidence was lagging, and although I've always been pretty confident at whatever weight I was at, I didn't feel...comfortable with myself.
I don't really know how to describe it but it was as if the life that I had lived thus far was only a stunted, small version of the life that I wanted. There were so many things that I wanted but so many things that I was afraid of trying. And now, over a year later (I started this blog in October), I am 40 lbs lighter, and full of life and happieness. And my life no longer revolves around if a guy likes me/thinks I'm attractive, or if I look good to so and so in this dress, or if I can impress so and so with blah blah...it revolves around...me.
And when I say me, I mean the things that I love and enjoy. I no longer put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable or weird. I do all the nerdy things I like to do...including settlers and HP and poker. I am doing well at my job. I'm a runner! I'm getting stronger and losing weight everyday. I'm making new friends and laying a foundation for deeper relationships with people of my faith. I'm reading like crazy! I'm stepping out and trying and doing new things....and I'm loving life! This is the most free and full that I've felt in a long time. Not only am I healthy in body, but I'm healthy in mind and spirit. God is good. You ask for help, and he gives it. You cry out for LIFE and he supplies it.
I found this manfesto, called the holstee manifesto, and it perfectly describes my new motto on life:
"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop;
they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."
Every last phrase of this spoke to me, but I've found that at this point and time, the one that resonates for me the most is the stop looking for the love of your life, because they'll be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love. I've always believed that, but it's never been put into those words. No matter how much I will and want my future husband to come, he's not going to come until it's time. Life is too short to waste on wondering and waiting and pining. For me, I thought that ok, if I'm not going to wait and pine and I'm just going to start getting together with people, even people that I know won't work in the long run. Which, shockingly, didn't work out for the best.
I always thought that I was a "throw 'em away, don't get involved, leave them before they hurt you, no emotions" kind of girl. Now I'm realizing that what I really was was a girl who wanted to be SURE that I was "wantable", because I was so tired of waiting. And so I accepted whoever what there, because it made me feel desired and that I was "wantable." But those encounters made me feel more unstable and insecure than before...and it took me awhile to realize those "lines" I was feeding myself weren't really lines...they were truth. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and the fleeting encounters I can have with this guy or that will never fill that desire. The false intimacy and comfort I felt with M. could never add up in a million years to the comfort and intimacy of someone who I knew I could share my life with. And I knew it, but I just kept trying because you know what? It's fucking hard to wait.
It's hard when I know that I could walk into somewhere, flirt, flash a couple of smiles, wear a hot dress with boots and walk out with a guy who is more than willing to fill my need for love and comfort. It's hard when I have opportunities that I could capitalize on. It's hard when I definitely have a libido! It's hard to not wonder "hmmm, maybe I can put up with their pot smoking habit..." or "is faith really that important to me?" in times of weakness. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to lie and say I'm strong. It's a struggle that I fight every day and will probably continue to fight.
But there's a difference between the being with M. me and the me there is standing before you right now. The M. me said "why not, you don't have anything better to do" or "who cares?" or "what's another night?" And I would continue foolishly along the path that I created. The me today, answers those questions like this: "I have infinitely more better things to do. I would rather spend a night alone than with someone who doesn't love me." "I care. I care more about myself now that I ever have in my life and I'm not willing to risk my well-being and the wonderful life that I have created for some random guy." "Another night is another part of me that I let go of. That I say isn't worthy of something better. Another night is me saying I don't really care, because I'll be ready when the right one comes along. And that's not true, because I care."
So here I am now, in a completely different state of mind than before. Before, I would wait, and pine and hope that life would start once this "mysteriously wonderful man" came into my life. Now, I'm living my life and doing what I love. And hopefully there will be a guy out there who can keep up with me and who can love some of the things that I love. I'm not waiting around, I'm living. I'm not looking actively, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And most of all, I'm living. Living life in a way that I have never lived before. And I love it.
Wow, I didn't think this would turn into...a "go me/power rant" like this but it did :)
Weight loss since starting
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Aug 15th (22nd WI) 1.5 lost, 216
Aug 22nd (23rd WI) o lost, 216
Aug 28th (24th WI) 2.4 lost, 213.6
Sept 9th (25th WI) 1.2 lost, 212.4
Sept 11th (26th WI) 2.6 lost, 209.8
Oct 25th (27th WI) 5.2 lost, 204.6
When I actually look at the numbers, it's really encouraging...because now I know that I can successfully lose the remaining weight. I was blogging on Sparkpeople, and talking about how I was no longer afraid to TRY to do stuff anymore, and it made me think of this blog and how I was so fearful starting out. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not looking good even when I was thinner. I was afraid of looking dumb. I was afraid of standing out. I was afraid of...so many things. My self-confidence was lagging, and although I've always been pretty confident at whatever weight I was at, I didn't feel...comfortable with myself.
I don't really know how to describe it but it was as if the life that I had lived thus far was only a stunted, small version of the life that I wanted. There were so many things that I wanted but so many things that I was afraid of trying. And now, over a year later (I started this blog in October), I am 40 lbs lighter, and full of life and happieness. And my life no longer revolves around if a guy likes me/thinks I'm attractive, or if I look good to so and so in this dress, or if I can impress so and so with blah blah...it revolves around...me.
And when I say me, I mean the things that I love and enjoy. I no longer put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable or weird. I do all the nerdy things I like to do...including settlers and HP and poker. I am doing well at my job. I'm a runner! I'm getting stronger and losing weight everyday. I'm making new friends and laying a foundation for deeper relationships with people of my faith. I'm reading like crazy! I'm stepping out and trying and doing new things....and I'm loving life! This is the most free and full that I've felt in a long time. Not only am I healthy in body, but I'm healthy in mind and spirit. God is good. You ask for help, and he gives it. You cry out for LIFE and he supplies it.
I found this manfesto, called the holstee manifesto, and it perfectly describes my new motto on life:
"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop;
they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."
Every last phrase of this spoke to me, but I've found that at this point and time, the one that resonates for me the most is the stop looking for the love of your life, because they'll be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love. I've always believed that, but it's never been put into those words. No matter how much I will and want my future husband to come, he's not going to come until it's time. Life is too short to waste on wondering and waiting and pining. For me, I thought that ok, if I'm not going to wait and pine and I'm just going to start getting together with people, even people that I know won't work in the long run. Which, shockingly, didn't work out for the best.
I always thought that I was a "throw 'em away, don't get involved, leave them before they hurt you, no emotions" kind of girl. Now I'm realizing that what I really was was a girl who wanted to be SURE that I was "wantable", because I was so tired of waiting. And so I accepted whoever what there, because it made me feel desired and that I was "wantable." But those encounters made me feel more unstable and insecure than before...and it took me awhile to realize those "lines" I was feeding myself weren't really lines...they were truth. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and the fleeting encounters I can have with this guy or that will never fill that desire. The false intimacy and comfort I felt with M. could never add up in a million years to the comfort and intimacy of someone who I knew I could share my life with. And I knew it, but I just kept trying because you know what? It's fucking hard to wait.
It's hard when I know that I could walk into somewhere, flirt, flash a couple of smiles, wear a hot dress with boots and walk out with a guy who is more than willing to fill my need for love and comfort. It's hard when I have opportunities that I could capitalize on. It's hard when I definitely have a libido! It's hard to not wonder "hmmm, maybe I can put up with their pot smoking habit..." or "is faith really that important to me?" in times of weakness. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to lie and say I'm strong. It's a struggle that I fight every day and will probably continue to fight.
But there's a difference between the being with M. me and the me there is standing before you right now. The M. me said "why not, you don't have anything better to do" or "who cares?" or "what's another night?" And I would continue foolishly along the path that I created. The me today, answers those questions like this: "I have infinitely more better things to do. I would rather spend a night alone than with someone who doesn't love me." "I care. I care more about myself now that I ever have in my life and I'm not willing to risk my well-being and the wonderful life that I have created for some random guy." "Another night is another part of me that I let go of. That I say isn't worthy of something better. Another night is me saying I don't really care, because I'll be ready when the right one comes along. And that's not true, because I care."
So here I am now, in a completely different state of mind than before. Before, I would wait, and pine and hope that life would start once this "mysteriously wonderful man" came into my life. Now, I'm living my life and doing what I love. And hopefully there will be a guy out there who can keep up with me and who can love some of the things that I love. I'm not waiting around, I'm living. I'm not looking actively, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And most of all, I'm living. Living life in a way that I have never lived before. And I love it.
Wow, I didn't think this would turn into...a "go me/power rant" like this but it did :)
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