green eyed monster

I find myself reading things on facebook and getting jealous. Mostly it's because I see my friends are out and about, doing things and having fun without me. I read an article about how facebook causes people to be depressed, because they see everyone else having fun and they wonder "why didn't I get invited?" I'm trying to figure out where my jealousy stems from, because I think it's an ugly and hurtful attitude that can lead to ugly and hurtful things.

I think I'm self centered. I like to think in my head that the best time can only be had with me. So when I see people having fun with others, I get jealous. How dare they have fun without me! I've been perfectly content to stay home this weekend and chill, but when I see others going out and having fun, I get jealous. It's because I wasn't invited out. And I know in my head that a)I have no money, and b)I probably wouldn't enjoy the activity that they are doing, but I still get hurt/jealous that I wasn't even asked. But I know I wasn't asked because I don't like the activity. But sometimes I think I deliberately am not asked because someone is mad at me, or someone doesn't want me there. I think the worst about people. But you know, I understand that sometimes people want friends of their own. They don't want friends that they share with everyone. And that's what I think is going on.

I think I'm also competitive. I want to be the best at everything, and when I see people having fun and going out, I want to have a night even BETTER than that night. I want to show them that I'm having a better time than they'll ever have and I desire them to be jealous of me.

That,my friends, is a terrible attitude to have. I shouldn't be jealous of someone who has an opportunity to have happiness in their life. I shouldn't be jealous of someone who has the opportunity to have more than I do. I shouldn't begrudge someone the goodness that God has given them. I shouldn't be so competitive that I can't be happy for someone else when they win. I shouldn't be so competitive that I can't let someone win a silly argument. I shouldn't be so focused on being right, and how my being right makes me better than other people. Or if I'm wrong, etc., how that makes me worse than other people.

God has given us the things that we have in our lives for a reason. And we are in the situations that we are in our lives for many different reasons. I need to stop looking at other people's lives and coveting what they have, and assuming things from what they show me. I need to be happy with what others have, and with what I have. I need to be compassionate, open, honest, and wise. God I need you to tone down this competitive spirit that is in me. I like that competition drives me to do better and be better, but I don't like that it drives me to jealousy. I don't want to be competitive in every aspect of my life. I don't want to be so competitive that I drive people away, or that I hurt others. Please help me to use my competitiveness in constructive and applicable ways. Help me to have humility and a gentle spirit.