Opening Up

I think that I have an anxiety disorder. I say this, not because of my crazy hypochondriac-ness, but because I suffer from anxiety pretty frequently. I suffer from anxiety over little things--a comment made, wondering if I appear stupid. I will obsess and obsess and wonder if people think I'm overbearing, annoying, unintelligent, etc. I get anxiety about new relationships--whether they're going to work out, if I'm going to be what they want/need/desire, etc. I get anxiety about my work performance--it used to be whether I was going to get fired in the beginning, now it's more around the fact of whether or not my bosses respect me, know how hard I'm trying, if I'm going to get in trouble, etc.

I believe that I suffered a bout of anxiety/panic attacks/depression back in March 2008. I went through almost 2 months of throwing up in the morning, having no appetite, not being able to sleep, diarrhea, uncontrollable thoughts of despair, and fear of being alone. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that Jesus loves, cares, and is there for me. I believe the stress of becoming full time, attending an important training, and planning a new program completely overwhelmed me. The amount of new stuff coming into my life was intense and I had intense anxiety over it. I also got new tattoos, and as soon as I was feeling sick, and didn't know what was happening, my mind was racing thinking of all the worse things that could and in my mind would happen.

I realize now, what that feeling is. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. I believe that it's all the changes that are happening now. Jen is officially becoming the new admin assistant. My tasks, my job, everything that I have done for the past 3.5 years are being turned over to her. It's relieving, but it's incredibly hard at the same time mentally and emotionally. Maybe I thought I could "go back" if I wanted to. I don't know. But I think it makes this transition to Education Director more real, and makes me realize that it's my job and I need to step up.

Right now I'm running hot then cold, just talking about the anxiety. It's weird to know you're going through it but not being able to control it. I think what also has fueled the anxiety has been the whole Keystone trip. Augustine was completely unprepared for the meeting, and when I mentioned to Meghan how it went, she flipped out and was like "I'm worried about this trip not going well" and I feel like she basically lost faith in us. I at least felt like she believed that I was unprepared, and I thought that was an unfair assessment because I didn't know that I was even supposed to be involved in the planning process. It made me feel terrible, and then that spiraled me into thinking that she thought I was a terrible plannner and employee and all that craziness. Plus it made Adam put the heat on us (and even though Adam explained he knew it wasn't me, I was still worried that Meghan thought differently of me.)

Lastly, Adam gave me the newsletter. The stupid newsletter where I'd have to think up articles, the member spotlight, put in birthdays, etc. Here's my mind: I have this new job, what if I don't do well. I have this Pittsburgh trip; Meghan already thinks we're incompetent. I'm feeling...overwhelmed. I have this newsletter. I thought I was done with the newsletter. Why do I have this other thing that I have to do. My apartment is a mess. My dad's package never came. I need to clean the apartments. The open apartment hasn't been rented for over 2 months. I feel like I'm going to be fired at any moment. This stupid thing on my back was gross and terrible. What if it comes back? What if I get MRSA? AHHHHHHHHH. That, my friends, is where the anxiety and panic sets in. It's a spiral down, a consistent flow of negativity and worry--and alot of times the worries are unnecessary or untrue. What is burrowed at the center of it is maybe I can't do it and my world is going to crumble around me.

But what IF I can't do it? The packet for Pittsburgh wasn't done when there was a parent meeting. I did a pretty damn good job of reassuring the parents and looking professional despite. If I hadn't been there, it would have been worse. At least they're still letting their kids go and Meghan hasn't received any calls. This new job. Meghan and Adam understand that starting a new job is not easy. They understand that things take time. They know that I have experience, but that I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to have missteps. I, on the other hand, feel like I have to go ALL OUT and do everything at once. That I have to be the perfect ED Director and develop the program into this INCREDIBLE thing in a short time.

That, is unreasonable. It is also putting undue stress on my body and mind. I literally sleep for 5 hours before I'm awakened by my anxiety. This is not good. I need to talk with Adam and possibly Meghan about all of this. Let them know where I am, let them know what happened last time, and accept their help and support. I also might need to see a doctor about ways to treat, soothe my anxiety. It usually only comes with big life changes--the major panics--so if I can be aware of it, and calm myself before it wells up, then maybe it will eventually pass and I'll not feel overwhelmed anymore.

Jesus, I need your help. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. I pray that you will give me a sound mind and heart today. I pray that you will help my mind to stop racing with illogical and irrational thoughts. I pray that you will help me to stop being so hard on myself. I pray that you'll help me to do my best, but to understand when I can't do everything. I pray that you will help me to understand that just because someone's disappointed in me, doesn't mean that I'm a failure. Help me to understand my limitations. Helm me not to spiral out of control with my thoughts. Most of all, help me, in this time, to cling to you and the people you have put around me. Help me to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not in this by myself, and that I'm doing a great job.

When I was having "worry poops" in the bathroom, I pulled down this magazine and what do I turn to? An article about anxiety haha. Here's one of last steps that he mentions to deal with anxiety:

"Don't let your worries stop you from living your life. Many of them will turn out to be false, and the consequences of your anxiety--less sleep, a rapid pulse, a little embarrassment--are just inconveniences when it comes down to it. What can you still do even if you feel anxious? Almost anything." Real Simple, 10 ways to cope with anxiety.

Thank you friends, for being there to support me, to love me, and to listen to my fears. I think I need to make a habit of expressing my fears more often, so I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed by them. An encouraging and rational voice other than my own would probably help. :)