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I'm on day 80 of this book. I've only been reading it since January--guess you might say I took a little break :) I'm feeling weird this morning...I want to use the word ominous but that just makes me feel a little fearful. I don't know what it is, but I'm damn ready to shake it off and have a good day. There's so much to get done and all I want to do is stay home and read :) The feeling could also be the book I'm reading...it's really good, but it's about the civil rights era and some of the terrible things that happen to people during that time just makes my stomach turn. I think I might just be waiting for the next bad thing to happen...plus I think I've been getting anxious dreams from the books I've been reading too. Anyway, I'm going to stop focusing on that and finish up this blog.

Today the book talked about changing your name. Many people call themselves fat, lazy, slob, and pig, and I don't know about you, but usually negative feedback does not motivate me--especially from myself. If I get on the scale and it hasn't moved and I say "ugh, you're such a failure" it makes it harder for me during the day--not easier. The book suggests you come up with a different name for yourself that "describes you without referring to weight or size." 175 I was trying to think of things like "fit, healthy, strong" etc., but I think I've found one...only because it made me want to cry a little. My new descriptor is "brave."

For so long I've lived a life of fear in regards to so many things. I've failed to attempt out of fear, and I've been unwilling to give things a chance because of fear. One of the areas that I was afraid of was being healthy. I thought to myself "what if I don't lose weight?" "What if I still look bad even when I do lose weight?" What if this, and what if that. There seems to be doubt lurking around every corner, but I finally did it. I finally stood up to fear this past January and said "no." I guess I decided that for one of the first times in my life, I was going to be brave for me. I was going to stand up for me. I was going to love...me. And as I've come halfway through this journey with some failures and many more successes, I'm going to be brave and continue to fight for me.

This is my life, and I'm unwilling to let it wither and die in an unhappy state because I'm afraid. I'm going to be brave. I have been brave, and I'm going to continue to be brave for as long as I can breathe.

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14

Why bravery? Because I have someone who backs me and loves me unconditionally. Because I have a rescuer, who despite my faults and failings, still loves me. And not only does he love me, he cares about the details of my life. He helps me battle over disappointment on the scale, he gives me self control and strengthens me when I want to buy and gobble down sugary sweets. He cares. And not just in the over reaching, vague kind of way. He cares intimately about every detail of my life. He rejoices in my victories and he stands with me in my sorrows. And he's saved me from darkness and despair when I couldn't pull myself out of it. How can I not be brave when I have a friend like that? God is good.