You Make Beautiful Things

"Beautiful Things"

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

You make me new, You are making me new

______________________________________________

He's made me beautiful. Despite my misgivings about my chunky thighs, curly hair, and insecurities, he's made me beautiful. He makes me new. He gives me hope. He refreshes me. He keeps his promises. He is faithful. He is true. He loves us. He forgives. He strengthens. He brings peace. He provides. He loves me. Exactly as I am, exactly as I have been, and exactly as I will be. Forever and ever. God is good. 

Life In Every Word

I had a fantastic week in Vegas. A week that told me that despite things that try to hold me back, that I am amazing. I am valued, I am loved, I have something to contribute, and I am attractive--personality-wise and physically. I feel so energized, and, I feel like I need to do as much as I can to be the best me possible. That means I want to be the best supervisor, friend, and best personal me I can be. I want to have the best options, and I want to have the best relationships. I've been working on honing in on how I can be the best person possible at work and outside of work. I have goals for work, and I'm definitely going to be discussing those with my supervisor. Outside of work, my ultimate goal, is to be healthier.

I want to be a good example to the kids I teach and mentor. We talk about academic excellence, good citizenship, and healthy lifestyles--and I want to be an example in all of those arenas. Healthy lifestyles is one that will benefit me in so many ways. I miss running. I miss that energy I felt. I miss feeling toned. I miss the pride in my body and reaching my goals. I miss it all--and I don't want to miss out on losing weight and being healthy because as I get older, my body is going to be less resilient.

So, starting tomorrow, couchto5k training commences. I will finish by the time I go to Hawaii. I will have completed ALL of the weeks, and done all of the runs I'm supposed to. If I have to redo a week that's fine, as long as I'm running 3 days a week. By this weekend, I'm going to buy groceries, and not eat out so much. I want to strength train 2 days a week as well with my JM video. One day a week, I want to throw in some kind of other exercise--whether it's yoga, another video, biking, ymca playing, etc. I will bring my water bottles into work, and I will get my tracking back in place.

I'm done. So done with being lazy and less that what I know I can be. I'm done being chubby. I'm done with my flabby tummy. I'm done with my sore back. I'm done with steps backwards instead of forwards. I done with the unhealthy eating. I'm done. So. so. so. done. Body, life, I'm taking you back.

I'm Baaaaaack

Ok, so I'm back. With a realization, which is, I can't do this on my own. Last year when I embarked on this journey, it was a mutual journey of faith, trust, and asking God to help me with my weight loss. And looking back, he totally did. I'm not saying that I haven't been as successful this year because I haven't asked for help but, I'm kinda saying that. Because guess what? He's helped me with EVERYTHING that I'm asked him to help me with. He's provided me with EVERYTHING that I've needed. So, I'm back. With a renewed sense of who I am, where my focus is, and knowing that I have someone to back me and help me in every single way (people and faithwise :) )

So I'm starting on Day 11 of the 100 days of weight loss, because, well, it's a good refresher. Today the book talked about eating should be reserved for 2 things: fueling your body, and appreciating flavors. Anything other than that is generally eating your feelings. It talks about choosing the right fuel, and how regular fueling (5-6 times a day) is better for your body. I kinda like to think of it as, well, real fuel. Your car runs so much better, and gets better gas mileage, when you gas it up regularly and don't let it get lower than 1/4 of a tank. Same thing with your body--keeping it hydrated, and sufficiently fueled helps your body go a longer way. One thing that I know I need to work on is finding flavor outside of salt and artificial stuff. I want to learn more about spices and herbs and how to to make things taste amazing.

Ok, I'm off to do Jillian Michaels. I need to get my butt in gear for this 10k!!!

And...Back

Have you missed me? I've been cheating on this blog with another one theabsurdextent but I'm back. I realized that this is where I started with my weight loss journey, and I'm going to continue here. Other general life stuff will be logged on the other one :)

So I'm restarting the 100 Days of Weight Loss book, and I was going to do a strict 100 days of reading and writing. Then I realized, that that's not for me. The whole point of this journey is not adhering to strict rules and deadlines, but finding what works for you, and realizing that there are going to be hiccups--and you just gotta get back on the horse again. I gave myself an end date, but really, there is not end date. The day that I finish the book will be my end date--and I'll celebrate those 100 days that I was (and will continue to be) committed to healthy living.

And of course Day 4 would be talking about boundaries, not diets. The author talks about how we need to look at our journey as a road. "During times when you're strong and focused on your diet, you move the boundaries closer together, making the road narrower. When you take a break from your program or work on maintenance, you widen the boundaries and allow more variety in your plan. But even on a really bad day, you never eliminate the road or get off of it completely." pg 9.  The whole "stick to it or else" plan never really works for me. I need to be nicer to myself and allow myself to have wider boundaries and also to discipline myself with narrower boundaries as well. I think the biggest thing for me to remember is not to let go of boundaries completely. When I say "forget it" it means that I'm offroad, stuck, not moving ahead. And that is not good.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matt 6:33  Very famous verse in the Bible talking about how God will take care of your basic needs if we seek the kingdom. What is the kingdom? The kingdom is all about peace. It's about the end of war, tears, poverty, homelessness, crime. It's about love, and sharing, and forgiveness and reconciliation. It's about those life changing things that really make a difference in people's lives. It's about hope. Instead of worry about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, I should be seeking to bring about the goodness of the kingdom to the people around me. How am I sowing love, forgiveness, and reconciliation into people's lives? Am I trying to put a stop to violence, homelessness, and hunger? Basic questions to ask myself...and to act on.

sleepy day

Today I got up and went to work! Although it wasn't that bad :) I had to take 6 kids to an educational competition, and I got to lead a math tournament. It was really fun, I wasn't stressed at all, and the kiddos had a great time. And, there was a really great showing of kids from other clubs, so that was good.

I came home, and after catching up on the latest new on facebook, I settled back into bed with my book. I read for an hour (or maybe it was 30 minutes) and then fell back asleep. Glorious :) I know, I know, it was a beautiful day, but I felt like I could squander it a little since I'll be experiencing Hawaii in the next couple of days. I woke up, made dinner (pepperoni salad...inventive I know ;) ), and then I had some reflective time. It was really nice, and although I won't go into all of it, let's just say that life changes other than weight are going into effect and I'm pretty ready for those things to happen.

Anyway, I did yoga! Woohoo! That's another day of exercise--12 in a row actually :) I'm pretty proud of that :)  I don't know if or when I'll incorporate rest days in there (I know I want to finish at least 1 month of working out every day), but I know my body will enjoy a rest. I guess once I start running again as exercise that'll trigger the rest days. We will see when I get there. Right now, I focused on the here and now and this goal :)

"Instead of depending on others to help you be successful with your diet, make a commitment that you will protect your program at all costs." 100 days of weight loss

Today the book talked about readying yourself for tempting situations, and appropriate responses to people offering you food. I think a simple "no thanks" is fine, but the author suggested saying "not just yet, I'm going to wait a little while" and then just not eat what they offer. I'm of the mindset that a little bit of a something worthwhile, unique, and delicious is fine. I'm just going to be picky about what I eat. An oreo? no thanks. A homemade oatmeal chocolate cookie? Ok, I'll split one...or even have one of my own. I dunno, it just works for me.

She also talked about knowing when trigger points are for you--mine is the weekend, especially chill, low key weekends. When I have stuff planned, I eat less. When I have a lazy day in front of me, I snack, snack, snack. I've been working on eating only when I'm hungry, and saying no to sweets in general. I find they cause me to want to eat more, so I try to stay away. Usually, popsicles and low fat ice cream sandwiches would disappear in a week. My popsicles have survived 2 weeks and counting :) I'm proud of that. That I've gone from grabbing a popsicle whenever I had the inclination, to asking myself 'do I really need that?" to not even thinking about it half the time. Ah habits. Gotta love em :)

Chapter 6 of Matthew is pretty much about worry about what other people think. Mostly doing things so other people will think you're awesome, example in the Bible are--giving, praying, fasting. Jesus said to do these things not for others to see. Which, for some people negates the whole reason for doing them because what else is there but praise from others and people thinking you're pretty damn holy and cool? Believe me I've been there. He basically says if you do it for others and their praise, you get your rewards right then. But if you do it because it's just right to do, and don't make a show of it, you will get much more in the way of rewards from God. Which, of course rewards aren't the point but there ya go.

And in the end there's that section on worrying about food, water, clothing, shelter, and how we should worry about those either. Because guess what? God provides. He always has and always will. Me planning and working and being smart about finances? That's fine. Me being wrapped up in money an obsessing about the future and spending every minute consumed with what's going to happen next...a little much. His suggestion? Focus on him. Seek him. Forgive, love, give, pray. And everything else that you need, that we needlessly worry about, will be given and provided. God is faithful, and good, and just. :)

even when I don't feel like it

Today, oh today, was a "I don't want to workout" kind of day. I was sore from yoga, my body felt tired, and I just wanted to sleep a little more, cruise around sparkpeople a little bit more, anything except exercise. But I have to remember what it means to be committed...and what it means is that I stay on track even when I don't feel like it. I'm proud of myself and I'm tired :)

"Like it or not, to lose weight, you have to follow some type of system. Your plan can be quite rigid and meticulous, or as simple as deciding you'll eat less and increase your level of exercise. Instead of getting stuck on the word 'diet,' learn to think of it was setting 'boundaries' for your eating plan." 100 Days of Weight Loss, Linda Spangle

I love this idea. I wish I could copy this whole chapter, because she uses an example of roads/paths to think of our boundaries. You have a road, and when your at your best, the road is narrower, but when you are maintaining or taking a break, your road widens a little bit. However, you NEVER get rid of the road. The boundaries just adjust according to where you are. That way, you're never off or on, you're always on that road, on that weight loss journey.

The book says to define narrow road plans and wider road plans for my weight loss:
Narrow: exercise every day, track my food 5 days a week, 100 oz of water, cook all meals at home,
Wider: exercise 5 days a week, track my food 3-5 days a week, 80 oz of water, eat out only 2 days a week

I think the hardest part for me in my journey is the exercise, then the tracking food. There are so many times I don't want to get up and do anything, especially when I exercised the night before. I guess I should mention I do JM 30DS in the mornings, and BLWLY in the evenings (the whole thing), so that's only 1.5 hours of exercise, but back to back exercise can be a little daunting sometimes :) Also, I have a hard time just cooking for myself. I think for me it's just STARTING something that's hard. Once I'm doing it I'm fine, but getting myself to get started in the process is where I struggle...in pretty much anything. Hmm...interesting thought. Anyway, I need to get off this thing and get ready for work!

Sidenote: I think it's interesting that we tend to forget that Jesus attracted the out of luck, outcasts, dirty, unpopular, sick, weary, voiceless people to him. When I see some Christians out there protesting this or that, or spewing anger or hatred about so and so, etc., I always wonder "when was the last time you helped someone who couldn't give you anything back?' "when was the last time you actually helped ANYBODY instead of holding signs?" "When did you help an jobless person on the job hunt, or provide a hungry person with a meal?" We spend so much of our time ANGRY and protesting about so many things when the whole idea of the good news is that there is love, and with that love comes healing, wholeness, and unity.

There are many Christians and other faiths out there doing so many good things, but it makes me just...bitter...to think of those loud outspoken people who seem to get the most attention when it comes to fait

more progress

Yesterday I had sugar. gasp! It was poker night, and I usually bring candy. Now, I'm the girl who likes to bring stuff to share. I will bring candy, cookies, a veggie platter...anything that people like...because I like sharing. And probably because I'm a people pleaser :) I ate a little more than half a pack of hichews, and pretty much a whole roll of lifesavers. And, I still have a pack of sour rips in my purse that is going to some lucky child today. I've found that one thing I can't do is get small packs of easily eaten stuff--like lifesavers. In my nervousness of playing poker, I ate those things right up. And, I have to find stuff that everyone likes so I don't eat too much--which was the plan, but hardly anybody ate any candy except a few people so I was left with already opened leftovers. Anyway, I like having candy during poker games--I just need to learn to moderate it more. Although I didn't get over my calories so that was good :)

Wow, that was a nice long ramble. Speaking of poker and gambling...I didn't win. Boo! I've won at least third place this entire year, but with ten people playing last night (and a new woman whose strategy I don't know yet), I ended up in 5th place. Sigh. However, I bought a scratch ticket for $2 (my friend Jen and I do them for fun and have a limit of $10/month), and I won $25! Which was very exciting. What was also exciting was hopping on the scale, and seeing it move down...at least 1 lb so far this week. I don't wanna count my chickens before they hatch, but I like seeing that kind of progress and I'm committed to seeing this through...even in Hawaii. I told my mum NO FAST FOOD, and since they're trying to eat healthy, I'm going to take a few recipes that I've learned over there (kale chips BOMB.COM!), and teach them how to make them.

I feel so...happy these days. I keep forgetting that when I'm focused on a goal and achieving things, I feel so much more fulfilled than when I'm being complacent. I have pleasant dreams, I can work better, and I just have a feeling when I get home that is actually...joyous...buoyant...happy. I'm happy with myself and who I'm becoming...what I've become in this last year. 24 was so freaking fantastic, and I'm even more excited for 25. Life gets better every year--and I'm doing it my way :)

Today the book talked about sticking with your plan even if you don't feel like it. It's like taking care of a pet. You don't necessarily FEEL like taking your dog out at 5am in the morning to go to the bathroom, but you do it because it's important. We should treat our weight loss journey the same way. Even if I don't FEEL like exercising, blogging, drinking my water, etc...I do it because it's important. I feel like working out and eating healthy today...it's just one of those days :), but it's important to remember this on days when I'm not so motivated.

feeling strong

There's something about making positive choices in one's life that makes them feel strong. At least, it makes me feel strong.  I think that I've mentioned this before, but I'm a total grazer. I'll see a snack, and I'll have one, then I'll walk past it another time and have another...and then I'll have a little of the snack the kiddos are eating, and then...As you can see the calories mount up pretty quickly when you're working that way.

Yesterday, there were some thin mint girl scout cookies sitting in the office, and on any other day, I would have grabbed one. The funny thing, is that I don't even like thin mints that much...my girl scout cookie of choice is a samoa :) But since it was THERE just waiting to be eaten, I would have grabbed it. Yesterday, no sir. In fact every time I passed that little green box, I felt light, free, as if nothing could get to me.

I did pretty well on resisting the sugar yesterday. I had one homemade cookie a kid made, and that's it. When I came home I resisted having a popsicle or ice cream sandwich, and I made kale chips, collard greens, and pulled bbq chicken. Which, all THREE were delicious...especially the collards. Good god I made some fantastic collards. Thank god the pot was only 200 calories cause I ended up eating the whole thing. Although the sodium content was not so awesome :)

I ate well, exercised in the morning and did my yoga in the evening, made delicious food, slept soundly and for at least 7 hours, and guess what? I feel good. This is what healthy feels like. Ah, I'm so excited for the rest of the year :)

Today the book talked about being interested vs. committed.  Here are some differences between the two--

interested--
stay until something better comes along (donuts?)
depend on results to keep you going, when you plateau, it goes out the window
when you struggle, you blame others (they gave me chips!), or you make excuses (if only I had this...)

committed--
you stay on track...even when your favorite donuts are in the room
even when you plateau, you push through knowing that results will eventually come
others are not to blame for our struggles. you continue despite not having resources, supportive friends, or family.

There's a definite difference. I've seen it in the spark people I see on this website. I've seen it in myself at times. I'm committed to myself.  I'm committed to eating healthy, exercising regularly, giving my body adequate rest, and keeping my body hydrated. Today, to show I'm committed, I'm going to drink at least 80 oz of water. That by far is one of the hardest things for me to do. So I'm going to commit myself that that today.

Matt 2. It's interesting to read about how far some people will go to ensure they are "top dog." Herod killing all the baby boys back in the day? Not cool. It's important for me to remember that I'm not always going to be top dog, and that I need to be open to new leadership, new ideas, and new people. I can't be so caught up in my position and power that I'm willing to make unnecessary sacrifices. Power in the wrong hands can be oh, so terrible...and it just goes to show that it not only applies to today, but hundreds and thousands of years back.

back on track

I really want to lose the rest of my weight. I can't say for sure what my goal weight is, I thought 150, but I can't even remember the last time I was this size let alone respectably under 200. So I don't know what I'm going to look like as the weight drops off and I become thinner, leaner, and healthier. I do know that I want to be strong--which means building muscle (lean muscle that is), so if my weight is a little higher than I thought it would be, but I look good and am strong, that's fine with me.

I'm determined to finish what I started. And not only finish, but to maintain and continue the healthy lifestyle. There's a definite finish line (my goal weight), but it doesn't mean my life stops there. I kicked butt this week and exercised EVERY DAY since Tuesday. That's right. Every day. I knew I had it in me, and this week has proven that my will is still there. I'm still willful, and I'm still stronger than my impulses. And that makes me feel strong. It makes me feel powerful. It motivates me.

So I changed my weight tracker to reflect my weight--207.4. Ah, I've seen that number so many times it makes me mad. I want to lose at least 5lbs in March. It can and will be done. I have this little hope in the back of my mind that maybe even I can get under 200. The only way though is to be consistent, and to make wise choices.

So here I am, with 7.5 hours of sleep (and having woken up naturally), ready to kick start my day with my daily motivator, a glass of water, and a spiritual pick me up. Then, I'm going to get my cardio on ;)

Day one of my daily motivator talks about how we let our past failures ruin our current attempts. We get motivated, stay on track, then slip up, and get frustrated and discouraged and then feel like quitting. "Rather than being fearful that you'll repeat the past, build a new way of thinking." It tells you to list out things you used to do, and replace them with new habits.

I used to eat candy and processed sugar every day, but now I eat sweet treats in moderation.

I used to make excuses for why I couldn't exercise, but now I give myself reasons to exercise.

I used to eat out of boredom, but now I make a conscious decision to eat when I'm really hungry.

I used to "track my calories" in my head, but now I keep myself accountable by tracking them online.

I used to quit when things got hard, but now I persevere to the end, and WILL reach my goals.

What are things you used to do that you've replaced with better habits?

Along with my daily motivator, I've decided to read a little bit of the Bible every day. My faith is important to me, but I seem to be focusing on the social justice aspect of it rather than my personal growth. So I'm going to read a chapter (ish) a day and just comment on what grabs my interest. I'm starting in Matthew :)

"'The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel'--which means, 'God with us.'" Matt 1:23

I went to school to learn about this stuff, and I've been over many profound things--I've studied the Hebrew, exegeted scripture, and really dug in so that the Bible is very familiar to me. So it's funny when a simple verse like this sticks out and reminds me that the basis of my faith, the reason that I stay, is because God is with us. God is with me, along side of me, loving me, cheering me on, picking me up, comforting me, leading me, etc. He is WITH me...not just observing from the magical clouds in the sky, he is with me. He doesn't leave me alone to figure it all out, and he cares about the things I care about. Including being healthy. What a concept to be reminded of as I reembark on this weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey--God is with me. God is good :)

urg!

Weight loss is such a struggle! I've been struggling with these last couple of lbs right before 200 for the past 4-5 months! I've been struggling with my eating, and I've been struggling with exercise, and it's just been hard. I felt so close the other week and now I've bounced back to the mid 200s.

Right now I'm sitting in my living room and thinking to myself 'you should workout.' But what I really want to do is go back to sleep. I want to just lay down, and forget my worries, struggles, EVERYTHING! for just one second. I'm so emotionally drained and confused right now that working out seems to be the last thing that I want to do.


I want to be DONE with the 200s. I want to move on, and I can't seem to let go. I don't know if it's fear, or laziness, or what...but I know I can lose these last few lbs. I know I can. I just want to be done. To see the numbers go down permanently, not just for a day.

My problem is, is when I see the number on the scale change, I decide to be lax. I don't know where this attitude comes from, but it's completely sabotaging me! I never would have done this in my journey last year...I think the 40 lbs is making me cocky or something.  So. Here's to consistency. Here's to working out consistently, eating consistently, sleeping consistently, having a consistent social life. Ok, I'm going to do some yoga.

back to the basics?

So, I've found myself making some pretty big decisions lately.  I've been looking at my job, at my opportunities, at everything that I've learned over the past couple of years...and I'm finding that I want more. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy working in ratio with the kids every day.  I'm finding that I'm yearning for knowledge and training that my job just doesn't want/isn't prepared to give me. I'm finding that I'm unhappy, and it's causing me to nitpick everything.  I'm pretty much finding that it's time for me to move on.

Maybe this means moving on to another job, but I think it mostly means moving on from this emotional attachment I have to my job. I have this fear that I'm not going to be good enough, or that I don't have the skills that I need, or that I will fail in something new.  I also do love the laid back nature of my job, my accommodating boss, and most of the people I work with. I'm kind of attached to those things. But the fear and attachment are literally getting me nowhere.  I love the ease of the job, but it doesn't challenge me very much.  In fact working with kids frustrates me and drains me...it makes me want to pull my hair out most of the time!

So...I'm looking at schools. And yes, I know that I've been looking at this for the past 6 years! But I think that I finally know what I want to do--I want to get my MBA. I feel like an MBA is broad enough to open doors to multiple avenues that I want to pursue. With an MBA I can still work non-profit, and it'll also give me knowledge to pair with my experience.  

I called my mom, and she was ecstatic and very encouraging, as was my best friend. I've been mulling over this and I realize that the one...person? that I haven't really asked about it was God. I haven't prayed about it. And for some people this is ok, but for me, I really need some guidance...cause this is a big decision. I'm very dependent on this guy because he has led me every single place that I've been, and all those places have been wonderful. He has opened the door to opportunities that I never thought possible, and he has helped alleviate fear in my life. Yep, God. My faith is a constant in my life and while I'm terrible at acknowledging it and I've been not as connected in relationship as I should be, it's still my go to. The one thing that I trust above all others.

And I realize as I'm saying this that to be honest, I need to get back to cultivating my faith and relationship with God. That not only is it important to me, but it's pretty essential to my happiness and well being. So...yea. That's where I'm at right now. Big scary decisions, and an even bigger, wonderful God. I'm excited to see what comes of it... :)

settled?

I just helped my BFF move into her brand spanking new apartment--in my building! I am always on the search for something new, something different, something that will somehow change my life for the better.  Whether this something is a new apartment, new job, new hobby, new friend, etc...I seem to always be on the search--never truly satisfied with what I have.  I'm realizing that while that desire for "something new" can bring exciting and wonderful things into my life, it can also lead me into a dark path.  Basically a path that leaves me unsatisfied, and never realizing how GOOD I have it. 

I've been looking for a new job about 6 months after I got the job at the Club...and I've been here for 4 years since, becoming unsatisfied, searching for something new, not willing to take a risk, realizing how good I have it, basking in that for a couple of weeks, then the boredom sets in and I'm looking all over again.  I do the same thing with most of the stuff in my life. Funny thing is, is that once I've found something that I truly love--which fits my expectations to a "t" I stop.  I look around my apartment, and all of the furniture is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I have no need for anything else because I searched and found exactly what I was looking for.

I don't think my search for amazing and wonderful clothes will ever stop. :) I will forever and always be a clothes-a-holic and I think that I've gotten THAT spending habit pretty under control.

But back to the something new. I guess I had a moment of "ah, I want a brand new apartment with new carpet, repainted, etc..." and then I helped my friend move, and I realize how much hard work it is. How expensive it is. How everything seems unfinished until you get exactly what you want. How HARD it was to wait and search and be disappointed and at the end of the move I was tired. Tired of thinking about where to put this, how to put that in the truck, where everything was going to go, and moving heavy stuff. 

Then I walked into my apartment.  My apartment has every single thing that I've wanted in it. It has that killer couch I found on craiglist, that trunk coffee table, that mirror/coat hanger that I got for 5 bucks at goodwill, that table I bought from that woman in the trailer...etc. etc. etc. and I realize how GOOD I have it. How I've been there, and while it's fun and exciting, it's also hard work and I don't want all that work right now. I want to come home to my finished, perfectly wonderful apartment that I've made into a home and rest and relax.  I've lived in this apartment for 2 years...longer than I've lived anywhere, and I am so happy to have this place as my own.

So here's to being settled. Here's to having a fantastic job, with wonderful people that I mostly get along with. Here's to being able to walk to work, and living in a amazing city with everything at my fingertips. Here's to the comforts of home, and here's to the hard work I put into it for these past couple of years. I'm excited for new adventures, and fullness of life, but I am also very thankful for what I have, and for the happiness that has been given to me. God is good :)

Budget!

So I decided to do my budget today, see what it looks like. I actually am not that far off my goals. I was SUPPOSED to pay off one of my credit cards by this month, however I didn't make that goal and it's not happening till May. I'm still slated to pay off all my credit card debt by 2012, and when that happens, I'll be getting essentially a $450 raise. Can you believe that? I'm spending $450 on paying off my credit cards. Sheesh. Never again!

I realized as I looked at my budget that I have a pretty damn good budget. I just never followed it. So my goal this year is stepping it up and KEEPING to my budget...and remembering to budget the little things realistically...like birthdays, holidays, etc. I'm actually saving 5% of my income, budgeted electric more frequently, and upped my personal spending. I should PROBABLY budget better for those camping trips I want to take. Hmph. Ok, back to the drawing board. The good news is, is that it's looking good. And I'm excited.

I resolve to...

I've never been one of those people who has made new years resolutions. I'm the kind of person who makes resolutions all year...and then I come to a point when I say "this, is what I'm going to do." And then I do it. Most of the time. There are some uncertainties like job changes, masters degrees, and moving to other states that take a few more back and forths before I settle on something.  Anyway, if you've read this blog for any amount of time you know I like setting goals, and then re-evaluating them and then yea. So you know the process.

Last year, I resolved to make this "The Year of Me" and I put myself and what I wanted first. It's been a fantastic year. I've lost over 40 lbs, run in four 5k events, got involved in activities that interested me, received a promotion, found out I was allergic to sulfa drugs and resolved NEVER to go on prednisone if I can help it, read more books and cancelled my cable, realized I loved 2 hour massages, went to D.C. and Hawaii, and the list goes on and on. It has been fantastic, eye opening, and altogether fun.

This year is "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out" as I've mentioquotes that ned in a previous post. I'm going to list my goals, my dreams, my resolutions, and I hope and pray that at this time next year, I'll have achieved them. There are three quotes that I am going to start this list off with, because I love them and think they apply to this new year.

"The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller

"Whatever it is, if I stay with my flocks of familiarity, the word will become stored away in my head, maybe even deceive me into thinking I’m better for having heard. But I’m never better for having heard… I’m better for having responded."
Richard Dahlstrom

"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Albus Dumbledore

Money
Re-evaluate my budget
STAY with my budget
Save at least 3% every month (on top of the 4% I'm putting aside in my 401K)
Tithe 10%. Regularly.
Continue to pay off credit cards, and pay what I've BUDGETED
Be realistic and flexible, but remember my goals :)

Job/s
Prioritize and manage my time better
Network.
Step up my planning.
Put more effort into my programs.
Implement a healthy lifestyles program for girls and boys.
Be positive and focus on what I can do to improve...not drama and negativity.
Turn my restlessness into productivity...not laziness.
Keep apartments clean and up to standard.
Turn stuff in on time :)

Faith
Go to church 3/4 Sundays a month.
Become involved in another community group.
Cultivate and continue new relationships.
Read scripture daily.
Tithe :)
Start volunteering again. Start with Tabitha...again.

Personal
Hike up a mountain
Camp at least 4 times this year...NOT including with kiddos from the Club
Spontaneous trip with the BFF
A fantastic, relaxing trip ALONE
Passport.
Canada!
cooking classes
Yoga
Buy a bike
Run one 5k per month until Sept
Start training for 10ks in Sept (maybe earlier?)
Join a gym? or maybe a fitness group..
read at least 1 new book a month

In this year of stepping up and stepping out, the biggest thing I want to do is challenge myself. I don't want to be mediocre, and I don't want just an average life--a life that is less than what I can have--I want life to the fullest! I want to continue with the amazing changes that I've brought to my life this year. And a big part of that is realizing that it's in my hands. Of course God is there guiding me and leading me to opportunities, but I have to start taking hold of things as well as appreciating what I have and working with those things. I want to love myself, deepen my relationship with God, and give to others what I have freely received. God is good.

Stepping Up and Stepping Out

I'm having "one of those nights." You know what I mean...those nights when all you've done is lay around, watching mindless shows (ok, I watched Mad Men with the ever hot Don Draper), cruising around online, wondering "what the heck am I doing with my life?!?"  I've done what I typically done on these nights...I've eaten...a lot...and I've searched and researched degrees and classes, and I've looked for jobs...all around the U.S. And I've been wondering what else is out there. What do I want for my life. How do I feel happier, fulfilled...how do I get more?

And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.

But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.

I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort.  And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.

But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different.  I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.

And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible.  I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?

I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.

If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.

My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.

Noviembre esta aqui!

I have no idea if that's the correct spanish. I'm just gonna go with it :) It's been over a month since I've been on this blog, and I have to admit, that Sparkpeople has been so convenient for blogging. It not only is a website that I log into everyday, but it offers support, which, to be honest, this one doesn't really offer. However, I do want to pop back in on here and update (everyone? haha) on where my progress is.

Weight loss since starting
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Aug 15th (22nd WI) 1.5 lost, 216
Aug 22nd (23rd WI) o lost, 216
Aug 28th (24th WI) 2.4 lost, 213.6
Sept 9th (25th WI) 1.2 lost, 212.4
Sept 11th (26th WI) 2.6 lost, 209.8
Oct 25th (27th WI) 5.2 lost, 204.6

When I actually look at the numbers, it's really encouraging...because now I know that I can successfully lose the remaining weight.  I was blogging on Sparkpeople, and talking about how I was no longer afraid to TRY to do stuff anymore, and it made me think of this blog and how I was so fearful starting out.  I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not looking good even when I was thinner. I was afraid of looking dumb. I was afraid of standing out. I was afraid of...so many things.  My self-confidence was lagging, and although I've always been pretty confident at whatever weight I was at, I didn't feel...comfortable with myself.

I don't really know how to describe it but it was as if the life that I had lived thus far was only a stunted, small version of the life that I wanted.  There were so many things that I wanted but so many things that I was afraid of trying. And now, over a year later (I started this blog in October), I am 40 lbs lighter, and full of life and happieness. And my life no longer revolves around if a guy likes me/thinks I'm attractive, or if I look good to so and so in this dress, or if I can impress so and so with blah blah...it revolves around...me.

And when I say me, I mean the things that I love and enjoy. I no longer put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable or weird. I do all the nerdy things I like to do...including settlers and HP and poker. I am doing well at my job. I'm a runner! I'm getting stronger and losing weight everyday. I'm making new friends and laying a foundation for deeper relationships with people of my faith. I'm reading like crazy! I'm stepping out and trying and doing new things....and I'm loving life! This is the most free and full that I've felt in a long time. Not only am I healthy in body, but I'm healthy in mind and spirit. God is good. You ask for help, and he gives it. You cry out for LIFE and he supplies it.

I found this manfesto, called the holstee manifesto, and it perfectly describes my new motto on life:

"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop;
they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."

Every last phrase of this spoke to me, but I've found that at this point and time, the one that resonates for me the most is the stop looking for the love of your life, because they'll be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love. I've always believed that, but it's never been put into those words.  No matter how much I will and want my future husband to come, he's not going to come until it's time. Life is too short to waste on wondering and waiting and pining. For me, I thought that ok, if I'm not going to wait and pine and I'm just going to start getting together with people, even people that I know won't work in the long run. Which, shockingly, didn't work out for the best.

I always thought that I was a "throw 'em away, don't get involved, leave them before they hurt you, no emotions" kind of girl. Now I'm realizing that what I really was was a girl who wanted to be SURE that I was "wantable", because I was so tired of waiting. And so I accepted whoever what there, because it made me feel desired and that I was "wantable."  But those encounters made me feel more unstable and insecure than before...and it took me awhile to realize those "lines" I was feeding myself weren't really lines...they were truth. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and the fleeting encounters I can have with this guy or that will never fill that desire. The false intimacy and comfort I felt with M. could never add up in a million years to the comfort and intimacy of someone who I knew I could share my life with. And I knew it, but I just kept trying because you know what? It's fucking hard to wait.

It's hard when I know that I could walk into somewhere, flirt, flash a couple of smiles, wear a hot dress with boots and walk out with a guy who is more than willing to fill my need for love and comfort. It's hard when I have opportunities that I could capitalize on. It's hard when I definitely have a libido! It's hard to not wonder "hmmm, maybe I can put up with their pot smoking habit..." or "is faith really that important to me?" in times of weakness. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to lie and say I'm strong. It's a struggle that I fight every day and will probably continue to fight.

But there's a difference between the being with M. me and the me there is standing before you right now. The M. me said "why not, you don't have anything better to do" or "who cares?" or "what's another night?" And I would continue foolishly along the path that I created. The me today, answers those questions like this: "I have infinitely more better things to do. I would rather spend a night alone than with someone who doesn't love me." "I care. I care more about myself now that I ever have in my life and I'm not willing to risk my well-being and the wonderful life that I have created for some random guy." "Another night is another part of me that I let go of. That I say isn't worthy of something better. Another night is me saying I don't really care, because I'll be ready when the right one comes along. And that's not true, because I care."

So here I am now, in a completely different state of mind than before. Before, I would wait, and pine and hope that life would start once this "mysteriously wonderful man" came into my life. Now, I'm living my life and doing what I love. And hopefully there will be a guy out there who can keep up with me and who can love some of the things that I love. I'm not waiting around, I'm living. I'm not looking actively, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And most of all, I'm living. Living life in a way that I have never lived before. And I love it.

Wow, I didn't think this would turn into...a "go me/power rant" like this but it did :)

running...worship...hmmm

So ever since it started getting darker earlier and my schedule changed back to 11-7, I told myself I was going to do a morning run instead of running in the evenings. Well, after the excitement of my first 5k was over, my desire to run dwindled a bit. Last week, I felt so lazy and blah and tired that I didn't do any real running at all (except for a little in the middle of the week). I found out that last week was my PMS week (go figure) as I'm now dealing with my wonderful TOM. It didn't dissuade me from getting my butt out of bed and going for a run today. I went to bed early, woke up around 5:15, read until 6:45, then got my shoes on and headed out of the house.

The run was amazing. The first mile plus I ran and had a good pace going, then stopped and walked. During my walk, on the beautiful morning with greenlake not so full and all new and fresh, I had this thought of "why don't you put on a little worship music?" I'm sure it was a gentle nudge from God, but it was clear, and I just knew I had to. So I did, and it was the best decision I've made.

As I was running I realized that everything that I've had, including this newly found love for running, has come because of help and grace from God. I remember crying and praying to God to help me, to change me, to give me courage and to show me how to live my life to the fullest. And here I am, happy, healthy, trying new things, and loving every second that is given me in the day. The first song that I listened to was "Came to my Rescue" and the chorus goes "I called, you answered...and you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are." And it's true. I called, I asked, and he came to my rescue. It came in the form of him giving me courage to try and me saying yes to him. It came in the form of him showing me sparkpeople...and me responding to the resource. It came in the form of being challenged to run (something I've been wanting to do for a long time) and me saying yes and training for c25k.

He has laid a path before me that is greater than anything I can have imagined, and all it takes is my response of "yes" to him and the things he wants for me. I want my running not to be worship of my abilities and growing strength. I want my running to be an act of worship to him and how good he is. Every breath that I take and every mile that I run will be for him, because of what he's done for me. He came to my rescue. God is good.

lazy day

I have cheated on this blog for the convenience and support of my sparkpeople blog. :/ I will work on keeping this one up as well :)

I went for my yearly visit to my doctor yesterday and aside from being healthy, she said I had nearly perfect BP and was super happy about my weight loss. I did JM 30DS level two and let me tell you, it'll probably be a good long while before I graduate from the level. The plank position seems to be in more than half of the circuits and I was DYING the whole time :) It was a good workout though. I had a fantastic time Friday night, although Saturday I was rewarded with a lingering headache and an gurgly stomach every once in awhile.

For the past couple of weeks I've been eating recklessly--I did a lot of shopping and my eating habits suffered for it. But after going grocery shopping this past week I'm ready to be back in the saddle of eating nutritiously...not just being aware of calories. More fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and cooking at home are in my future--which I'm excited about. It's nice to have convenient dinners like smart ones around, but nothing beat a fresh homecooked meal.

Yesterday I spent much of the day lounging around my apartment after my dr's appointment. I think I'm going to do JM, clean up my apartment, write my brother, and then head off to get some running in. Next weekend I'll be running another 5k and I need to get back into shape for it :) I was rubbing the shin and for the first time I noticed that the bone sticks out now...no more fat cushioning it, it long and lean and sharp :) My legs are slimming up and having nice contours and muscles as well. Despite my grumbling about JM, I never would have been able to do that workout earlier this year, and I'm happy about the progress I've made in becoming healthier, happier, and stronger. What a good year...I'm excited for everything else that is to come.

I turn 25 right at the end of 2010, and I'm really excited that I'm preparing to live the next quarter century of my life with vigor and vitality. I truly want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd...and I'm gaining it, day by day. God is good :)

life is good

I'm so excited to be done with our summer session. I went shopping yesterday and realized that I will finally get to wear all the cute clothing that I have accumulated over the past couple of months. I went shopping yesterday and spent a pretty penny. I might return some stuff, but it's so nice being able to shop in the regular ladies section and not the women's section. My size varies from XL to L to M, but I'm pretty much solidly in a large, and I feel amazing. I'm reaching goals left and right and making decisions for me...and it's nice...really nice.

I was talking with a friend the other day about how happy I am. My life is full, and it's full of things that I enjoy and that keeps me in contact with different kinds of people, doing different types of things. And it's also full of me. I'm able to do stuff for me, because I want to do it. It's not centered around pleasing other people, and worrying about what they want, it's about living my life and living it for moi. She said "Sometimes I envy you single people because you don't have to worry about someone else and their needs." And it's very true. I told her that there's a trade off with that...I'm single, and can live for me...she's coupled, and has to worry about her S.O...but I'm sure she wouldn't give up her S.O. to be single...if if she did...then maybe her S.O. isn't right for her. 

I'm holding onto that idea more and more that one (single vs. coupled) is not better than the other. There are pros and cons to both, but it really is about enjoying whatever stage you're at. And I know that sounds all syrupy and...I don't know...like I'm just quoting a line, but honestly, truly, and completely, I'm loving being single. I'm loving living for me, and while there will always be room for someone else like a husband and family, right now, I'm enjoying just being a mommy to a very easy to care for kitty :)

Today, I'm going to do some cleaning, try on some clothes from my closet, go shopping, get a TWO HOUR massage, shop a little more, go to church, then come home to a clean, apartment that is all my own. I finished another book that I had been reading this morning, and woke up with the leisure of not having to hear or deal with anyone other than my little keekers meowing and wanting a little love. This, is the life. I'm content. And not only content, I'm making progress is all sorts of ways. Life is good...God is good.

ah what a relaxing weekend

I had the most relaxing weekend in the longest time! I've been out and about for the last month or so going to my parents house, spending time with them, and helping them with the move. With working all well, and then spending my weekends there, I haven't really had time to decompress and rest...which I ended up doing this weekend and I have to say...it was glorious. Friday, I rented two movies, watched one, and then went to bed with a book. Saturday, I told myself I had stuff to do. One was to clean my entire apartment. The other was to watch the second movie, the last was to run. First, I decided to watch the movie, because who likes to start off a Saturday working? So I spent a lazy Saturday morning watching a movie and putzing around my apartment.

Around 1pm I decided it was time to start cleaning...starting in my bedroom (where piles of clean clothes were taking over), rolling into my living room (where piles of clothes and dishes and bags and EVERYTHING were lurking), over into my dining room/kitchen (which had the kitty litter box, and the sink full of 3 week old dishes...ew), over into the entry way/bathroom (which was piled with stuff brought home from my parents). I told myself I had until 7pm to do all that stuff because that is when I was going running. Welp, 7 hours later, I had everything done. EVERYTHING. I even rearranged my room :) There's still little stuff I have to go through, but my apartment is clean...gloriously, wonderfully, clean. And can I just say that 1) I love my apartment....it's so awesome in so many ways and 2) I love living alone! It's amazing and I don't think I will give it up willingly for anyone except if I get married...seriously.

At 7 I headed out the door to return my redbox rentals and run around the track. I've decided that I'm going to start doing 3 miles from now on with my running. I run 3 laps, walk 1 lap, and repeat 2 more times. That way I do a complete 5k. It was rough...I got tired and my legs got stiff and my breathing sometimes got jagged, but I did it. I knew I could because I did it two or three weeks ago when I was supposed to do 3run 2walk, 3run haha. And I clocked in at a 37.5 minute 5k...which averages to a 12.5 min mile...which, with walking added in is pretty good I must say :) Anyway, I'm hoping to be around a 35 minute mile by the time of the race. We'll see what happens I guess.  After that, I cooked some incredibly yummy fajitas, Alisha came and bought my old TV, and then I sat down, enjoyed dinner, read my book, and then went to bed.

Today, I really wanted to go to Greenlake and walk with fellow Seattle sparkers...but I ended up waking up at 6 watching a show, eating breakfast, and then falling back asleep until 1ish. So, no walk, but I def wanna do that next time they get together. I met up with a friend for the last of the Tutta Bella special, then I caught the bus and went to church...which...felt great. I love my church, and I love that Richard challenges me to think about things that I don't normally dwell on and consider...Anyway, now I'm home, and although I thought maybe I would skip out on doing JM 30 day shred, I think I'm just gonna do it. Because I'm actually shockingly starting to enjoy it and...it's a good habit. Then I'm going to plan my meals for the rest of the week, make tuna, and then settle in my comfy bed with Eat, Pray, Love. This was exactly the weekend I needed. Thank you Jesus!