I'm reading a book called "100 days of Weight Loss." It's a daily motivator that helps you stay on track with whatever diet or life change you're on. I'm going to be chronicling my thoughts on this blog.
The first chapter talks about past attempts at weight loss and their unsuccessful-ness. My fears are that:
I'll give up.
That I won't look good once I've lost the weight.
That it still won't make a difference in my love life.
That I won't be able to lose weight.
My negative behaviors:
I eat a lot of sweets.
I eat when I'm bored.
I don't drink water.
I used to be fearful, but now I'm going to stand strong and try, and not just try, I will succeed!
I used to eat a lot of sweets, but now I'm going to make sure I eat a balanced diet that includes a little bit of everything.
I used to eat when I was bored, but now I'm going to check myself, and make sure that I'm actually hungry before I eat.
I used to not drink water, but now I'm going to bring my water bottle to work and make sure I drink 120 ounces a day.
Reading of the day: 1 John 1. "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives." V.6-10.
A big part of my personality is pride. I hate to admit I'm wrong. However, I feel like God is slowly breaking that down. Just yesterday as I was writing how I "hate when someone does this" to me, I realized that I do that to SO many people, and I realized that I needed to be honest and say so. I am not a perfect person, I do make mistakes. Lord, please help me not only to be honest with myself when I make mistakes, but please help me to be honest and transparent with others when I make mistakes. Help my pride and stubbornness not get in the way of living an honest life and having forgiveness from you. Also, please show what is darkness so that I can live in your light.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Short term goals
So, as far as weight loss. I've decided to set some short term goals. First, I want to lose 5% of my weight. Unfortunately, since I last weighed in, I might have gained 4 lbs. Doh! So 5% of my weight is 12.32 lbs. That will get me down to 234lbs. I've been there before, sadly, almost 2 years ago. I want to lose 110lbs. That seems like so much it's daunting. That's 45% of my weight. I want to be half my size. This is going to be a long journey, but it's worth taking.
I want to start out exercising 30 minutes every day for the next two weeks. Once I've successfully worked out 2 WHOLE weeks for 30 minutes a day, I will up that to 45 minutes. After four weeks of 45 minutes a day, I will up it to an hour six days a week.
As far as food, I want to start eating lunch at work. I want to stop eating out, and start eating food in. That's my first goal. This means, that I need to grocery shop, get stuff for sandwiches, and also cook meals during the week/end. Sandwiches, fruit, and veggies are on my list of things to buy. Also easy snack foods. I want to start cooking, and then after doing that, I want to figure out how to cook healthier. First focus is cooking at home, second focus is getting it to be healthier.
I want to sleep more. I want to get 7-8 hours of sleep every day. Depending on the day, this means I need to be in bed by 11 or 12. If I'm budgeting 1 hour a day (in the future) to work out, this means I need to have time to make breakfast, take care of the apts, etc. So I need to be up by 7 or 8 most days. On good days, I can be up at 8:30-9.
Annnnnnd, even though for some reason my mind is resisting this, I want to start reading my Bible every day. I don't want to be legalistic about it. I don't want to make it a chore, but I want to be disciplined. So what's the difference? Where's the line? Hm.
Ok, that's all I have right now for short term goals.
I want to start out exercising 30 minutes every day for the next two weeks. Once I've successfully worked out 2 WHOLE weeks for 30 minutes a day, I will up that to 45 minutes. After four weeks of 45 minutes a day, I will up it to an hour six days a week.
As far as food, I want to start eating lunch at work. I want to stop eating out, and start eating food in. That's my first goal. This means, that I need to grocery shop, get stuff for sandwiches, and also cook meals during the week/end. Sandwiches, fruit, and veggies are on my list of things to buy. Also easy snack foods. I want to start cooking, and then after doing that, I want to figure out how to cook healthier. First focus is cooking at home, second focus is getting it to be healthier.
I want to sleep more. I want to get 7-8 hours of sleep every day. Depending on the day, this means I need to be in bed by 11 or 12. If I'm budgeting 1 hour a day (in the future) to work out, this means I need to have time to make breakfast, take care of the apts, etc. So I need to be up by 7 or 8 most days. On good days, I can be up at 8:30-9.
Annnnnnd, even though for some reason my mind is resisting this, I want to start reading my Bible every day. I don't want to be legalistic about it. I don't want to make it a chore, but I want to be disciplined. So what's the difference? Where's the line? Hm.
Ok, that's all I have right now for short term goals.
Goals, goals, goals
So far this week, I've made chicken tortilla soup, a dairy free smoothie, resisted snacking at the Club, worked out for 30 minutes, and went to bed at 9:00. I'm really glad that I didn't let my rough start yesterday deter me from getting a better start today.
I've realized that if I'm going to start this journey, and stay on it in a meaningful way, that I need to set goals. And I need to be realistic about my goals and what I can do...as well as be willing to push myself.
So, here are my goals: lose weight, eat better, catch up on late bills, and then consistently pay bills on time, save money, pay off my credit cards, volunteer, cook meals, be apart of a meaningful small group (ie do my best to be vulnerable, to make relationships, etc.), take a class, continue game nights, and sleep better.
Overall, I think I want to start caring about myself and my life more. I've decided not to sleep with M. again. There have been many factors preventing me from doing so--mainly my period and time--but I also used my parents and how much they care for me as a deterrent as well. And as I was working out, I thought about moments that I had with Miles that I can't take back. And I realized that I do regret times and moments that I had given him. And I realized that I care enough about myself to not create any more of those moments. To not give myself and more reason to have regrets. And that felt good. It feels good.
As I'm writing this I realize that other than small group, there aren't a bunch of goals that include...discipline as far as my faith. I don't think those are "unspoken" things. In fact, I know that they are things that are most important to my spiritual well being. I know this in my head, but I'm not making it important in my life...and that's something that I want to do. So, I want to restart with my tithing. I want to support Bethany and their amazing work. I also want to read my Bible more consistently. I want to engage with the Word instead of just working off what I've already learned. I want to read books that have to do with my faith as well.
There are things that I want in life. I want a husband, kids, and a home to love them in. I want to be able to climb a mountain one day. I want to be able to run a mile. In fact, I want to be able to run five miles. I want a healthier, thinner body. I want to be able to wear short sleeves and shorts without feeling super self conscious. I want to be free from debt. I want, I want, I want. I need Jesus. I need your help. I need your guidance. I need your wisdom. I need your love. I need your compassion. I need your patience. I need your kindness. I need your forgiveness. I need...you. More than anything, I need you. And I ask for your help in this new journey that I'm going to start. I can't do it without you. You have made me into the person I am, so I pray that you will help me use those qualities to achieve the goals I've set before myself. And I pray that your will be done.
I've realized that if I'm going to start this journey, and stay on it in a meaningful way, that I need to set goals. And I need to be realistic about my goals and what I can do...as well as be willing to push myself.
So, here are my goals: lose weight, eat better, catch up on late bills, and then consistently pay bills on time, save money, pay off my credit cards, volunteer, cook meals, be apart of a meaningful small group (ie do my best to be vulnerable, to make relationships, etc.), take a class, continue game nights, and sleep better.
Overall, I think I want to start caring about myself and my life more. I've decided not to sleep with M. again. There have been many factors preventing me from doing so--mainly my period and time--but I also used my parents and how much they care for me as a deterrent as well. And as I was working out, I thought about moments that I had with Miles that I can't take back. And I realized that I do regret times and moments that I had given him. And I realized that I care enough about myself to not create any more of those moments. To not give myself and more reason to have regrets. And that felt good. It feels good.
As I'm writing this I realize that other than small group, there aren't a bunch of goals that include...discipline as far as my faith. I don't think those are "unspoken" things. In fact, I know that they are things that are most important to my spiritual well being. I know this in my head, but I'm not making it important in my life...and that's something that I want to do. So, I want to restart with my tithing. I want to support Bethany and their amazing work. I also want to read my Bible more consistently. I want to engage with the Word instead of just working off what I've already learned. I want to read books that have to do with my faith as well.
There are things that I want in life. I want a husband, kids, and a home to love them in. I want to be able to climb a mountain one day. I want to be able to run a mile. In fact, I want to be able to run five miles. I want a healthier, thinner body. I want to be able to wear short sleeves and shorts without feeling super self conscious. I want to be free from debt. I want, I want, I want. I need Jesus. I need your help. I need your guidance. I need your wisdom. I need your love. I need your compassion. I need your patience. I need your kindness. I need your forgiveness. I need...you. More than anything, I need you. And I ask for your help in this new journey that I'm going to start. I can't do it without you. You have made me into the person I am, so I pray that you will help me use those qualities to achieve the goals I've set before myself. And I pray that your will be done.
Beebop
So I was going to start my whole exercise regimen yesterday, but due to my whacked out sleep schedule, getting up early enough to straighten my hair AND work out/do breakfast was not happening. Thankfully, at the beginning, I didn't let it get my spirits down. I had lunch, resisted snacking at work, and then came home and ate the rest of my lunch. Oh yea and I drank water only :D The bad news is is that I came home and ate the pez that were sitting on my desk :/ Ah well, I did good most of the day.
The hardest part for me yesterday at work was resisting snacking. As I was sitting at my desk I wanted to just eat and eat and eat. I don't know if this was the result of boredom...ok I'm pretty sure it was. I'll be glad to start the new job so I can be up and about instead of sitting and staring at a screen.
I found out that my job officially starts on the 22nd. Weeee! I'm so excited. It's nice to have a couple of weeks to kinda wrap up stuff at the desk, but I'm still nervous about the transition.
I made chicken tortilla soup yesterday. It was delicious. I made a smoothie this morning. It was delicious. Oh yea--and I worked out on the DDR for 30 minutes. :D I want to start writing about goals...again, but this is already getting long. So, next blog.
The hardest part for me yesterday at work was resisting snacking. As I was sitting at my desk I wanted to just eat and eat and eat. I don't know if this was the result of boredom...ok I'm pretty sure it was. I'll be glad to start the new job so I can be up and about instead of sitting and staring at a screen.
I found out that my job officially starts on the 22nd. Weeee! I'm so excited. It's nice to have a couple of weeks to kinda wrap up stuff at the desk, but I'm still nervous about the transition.
I made chicken tortilla soup yesterday. It was delicious. I made a smoothie this morning. It was delicious. Oh yea--and I worked out on the DDR for 30 minutes. :D I want to start writing about goals...again, but this is already getting long. So, next blog.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Little Steps
Today I resisted eating food when I was bored. This, is a problem I've realized over the...years...that I've had. It's funny how many times I will actually just go to the kitchen looking to eat something--and I'm not even remotely hungry. It'll be good to start being in tune with my body again and realizing hunger pangs vs. boredom pangs.
I also am trying to be responsible and get my bills paid on time. More than that, I've resolved not to ask my mom for money to help me pay my dentist bill. She has helped me out so many times, I need to sacrifice a little and suffer for my misdeeds :) I have been VERY blessed with multiple gift cards, as well as gifts. This has helped my shopping urges!
Oh yea and I reread my blog posts, and I'm proud to say I've accomplished a couple of things. One, I've joined a small group--and I love it. I've also canceled my cable, am volunteering at a women's shelter and familyworks, and I'm continuing my game nights. So those goals I'm setting? Yea I'm actually doing them. I've even been working up an effort to be a better manager, and with my new raise, am going to find a class that I enjoy.
It feels good to look back and see some goals that I'm achieving. Bad news, I just weighed myself on my mom's scale and am up about 5-10 lbs. Not sure if it's accurate or not seeing as her scale has often weighed me differently than mine. Yikes. I really hope it's not. Another factor could be the pms stuff as well. Good news is is that starting Jan 4th my new exercise regimen will start happening. My brother is letting me borrow his Wii and I will for sure have my DDR set up by then. I need to not let the number on the scale get me down :/ It's threatening to make my spirits plummet, but I'm not gonna let it.
Ok, well it's time for bed now I suppose :)
I also am trying to be responsible and get my bills paid on time. More than that, I've resolved not to ask my mom for money to help me pay my dentist bill. She has helped me out so many times, I need to sacrifice a little and suffer for my misdeeds :) I have been VERY blessed with multiple gift cards, as well as gifts. This has helped my shopping urges!
Oh yea and I reread my blog posts, and I'm proud to say I've accomplished a couple of things. One, I've joined a small group--and I love it. I've also canceled my cable, am volunteering at a women's shelter and familyworks, and I'm continuing my game nights. So those goals I'm setting? Yea I'm actually doing them. I've even been working up an effort to be a better manager, and with my new raise, am going to find a class that I enjoy.
It feels good to look back and see some goals that I'm achieving. Bad news, I just weighed myself on my mom's scale and am up about 5-10 lbs. Not sure if it's accurate or not seeing as her scale has often weighed me differently than mine. Yikes. I really hope it's not. Another factor could be the pms stuff as well. Good news is is that starting Jan 4th my new exercise regimen will start happening. My brother is letting me borrow his Wii and I will for sure have my DDR set up by then. I need to not let the number on the scale get me down :/ It's threatening to make my spirits plummet, but I'm not gonna let it.
Ok, well it's time for bed now I suppose :)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
In the mirror
I woke up early in the morning because I heard my dad come in my room and I thought he took the wine that my mom had bought for me earlier. So after he left I stumbled out of the room and followed his voice back to my parent's room (assuming that he was chastising my mom for buying wine for me). Instead, I heard him talking to my mom about my weight. Telling her that I was unhealthy, and other things that I couldn't hear clearly. He told her he wouldn't say anything to me, but he wanted to tell her (presumably so she'd do something about it?) Well I didn't know whether to sneak off or actually ask him about my original question about wine (I asked him, then went back to bed), but I couldn't get that conversation out of my mind.
At first I was hurt. How dare he talk about my weight behind my back? He has no right to discuss my body with someone else. Then I got angry. It didn't replace the hurt, it just came up right alongside it. And I couldn't figure out why I was hurt and angry--I am overweight. And recently, looking at pictures, I've become more unhappy. After thinking about it, I realized why I was so angry.
I blame my parents for my weight. Most specifically my dad, but my mom as well. I blame them. I blame them because they fought viciously with each other. I blame them because the two people who I trusted the most because untrustworthy, unstable, and sometimes implied that I should pick sides. I blame them because they allowed me to eat fast food, junky food, and then my mom would try to force us to eat uber healthy--which just made me want junky food even more. I blame them because I ran to food for my comfort. I felt like I had no comfort from my parents. I felt like maybe they wouldn't be there one day. That one day I would be abandoned. And food made me feel good. When I ate it, I felt better.
So that's what I did. I ate to feel good. And I got fat. I got stretch marks in 7th grade. I felt awful about myself. But I couldn't stop. I didn't know how to stop. All I knew was how I felt. And I felt unsafe. unstable. and unlovable. I got bigger, and tried to hide it under bullying, big clothes, and a confident smile.
Well I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm telling myself that I will no longer blame them. I will no longer blame them for not being there for me. And I refuse to let food be my comfort. I refuse to let it be my fall back plan. I refuse to try to let it fill my heart and soul. You know who's trustworthy, reliable, and will love me no matter what? Jesus.
I love my parents. And I know they did the best that they could. And the best thing that they did for me was introduce me to Jesus, because without him, I probably wouldn't be living right now. I probably wouldn't be able to stand with my shoulders straight with the confidence that I have. I forgive them. And I let go of the bitterness and pain. I let go of the hurts and distrust. I'm going to stop holding it against them. Because you know what's in the same hand that's holding that bitterness? Food. It's intertwined and connected and I don't want either of them anymore. I don't. I refuse to let it have power over me.
Where's the determination? Where's the pluck? I asked myself a week or so ago? It was suffocated by anger and resentment. It was suffocated by feeling sorry for myself, and letting myself wallow in my hurt. No more. Here's the determination. Here's the pluck. Here's the willingness to take a stand and so no more. Hopefully, that will not only lead me to have a healthier spiritual and emotional life, but it'll lead to a healthier physical life too. I'm cared for. I'm loved. I'm worthy. <3
At first I was hurt. How dare he talk about my weight behind my back? He has no right to discuss my body with someone else. Then I got angry. It didn't replace the hurt, it just came up right alongside it. And I couldn't figure out why I was hurt and angry--I am overweight. And recently, looking at pictures, I've become more unhappy. After thinking about it, I realized why I was so angry.
I blame my parents for my weight. Most specifically my dad, but my mom as well. I blame them. I blame them because they fought viciously with each other. I blame them because the two people who I trusted the most because untrustworthy, unstable, and sometimes implied that I should pick sides. I blame them because they allowed me to eat fast food, junky food, and then my mom would try to force us to eat uber healthy--which just made me want junky food even more. I blame them because I ran to food for my comfort. I felt like I had no comfort from my parents. I felt like maybe they wouldn't be there one day. That one day I would be abandoned. And food made me feel good. When I ate it, I felt better.
So that's what I did. I ate to feel good. And I got fat. I got stretch marks in 7th grade. I felt awful about myself. But I couldn't stop. I didn't know how to stop. All I knew was how I felt. And I felt unsafe. unstable. and unlovable. I got bigger, and tried to hide it under bullying, big clothes, and a confident smile.
Well I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm telling myself that I will no longer blame them. I will no longer blame them for not being there for me. And I refuse to let food be my comfort. I refuse to let it be my fall back plan. I refuse to try to let it fill my heart and soul. You know who's trustworthy, reliable, and will love me no matter what? Jesus.
I love my parents. And I know they did the best that they could. And the best thing that they did for me was introduce me to Jesus, because without him, I probably wouldn't be living right now. I probably wouldn't be able to stand with my shoulders straight with the confidence that I have. I forgive them. And I let go of the bitterness and pain. I let go of the hurts and distrust. I'm going to stop holding it against them. Because you know what's in the same hand that's holding that bitterness? Food. It's intertwined and connected and I don't want either of them anymore. I don't. I refuse to let it have power over me.
Where's the determination? Where's the pluck? I asked myself a week or so ago? It was suffocated by anger and resentment. It was suffocated by feeling sorry for myself, and letting myself wallow in my hurt. No more. Here's the determination. Here's the pluck. Here's the willingness to take a stand and so no more. Hopefully, that will not only lead me to have a healthier spiritual and emotional life, but it'll lead to a healthier physical life too. I'm cared for. I'm loved. I'm worthy. <3
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Goals
I was reading another person's blog on weight loss, and it got me thinking about...well this blog. A blog dedicated to making goals, being successful (despite failure), and sticking to them. I have learned that it's hard for me to stick to things like this. When I have one setback, I kinda give up. This applies to things like--weight, keeping my apartment clean, keeping THE apartments clean. And I just realized that the common denominator between goals that I stick to and goals that I let go to the wayside is my perception of importance. If the goal is important to my career, life...I dunno things I deem as important--I stick to them.
When will I be important to myself? When will my health be important to me? I think to myself "I can get men looking like this" "I still can look pretty at this weight" etc. when the real issue is...why don't I care about myself? Why don't I care about my health? Why am I being lazy about this? Am I afraid that if I become thin I still won't measure up? Am I afraid that I'll fail? What is it? And how can I be better? How can I love myself more...how can I love myself enough to lose this weight?
I'm not sure what my problem is. I'm not emotional about it...I'm just kind of disturbed that this would not be important to me. On one hand I'm happy that I'm happy/not extremely disturbed by my weight, (self esteem yay?) but on the other hand, I want to care about my health. I want to care about the food I put in my body and that it's healthy and strong. I want to care more about the fact that I could get diabetes than if I fit into the same size I've been fitting into for the past 5 years.
Come on, Tiffany. Muster up some kind of fight.
When will I be important to myself? When will my health be important to me? I think to myself "I can get men looking like this" "I still can look pretty at this weight" etc. when the real issue is...why don't I care about myself? Why don't I care about my health? Why am I being lazy about this? Am I afraid that if I become thin I still won't measure up? Am I afraid that I'll fail? What is it? And how can I be better? How can I love myself more...how can I love myself enough to lose this weight?
I'm not sure what my problem is. I'm not emotional about it...I'm just kind of disturbed that this would not be important to me. On one hand I'm happy that I'm happy/not extremely disturbed by my weight, (self esteem yay?) but on the other hand, I want to care about my health. I want to care about the food I put in my body and that it's healthy and strong. I want to care more about the fact that I could get diabetes than if I fit into the same size I've been fitting into for the past 5 years.
Come on, Tiffany. Muster up some kind of fight.
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