Little Steps

Today I resisted eating food when I was bored. This, is a problem I've realized over the...years...that I've had. It's funny how many times I will actually just go to the kitchen looking to eat something--and I'm not even remotely hungry. It'll be good to start being in tune with my body again and realizing hunger pangs vs. boredom pangs.

I also am trying to be responsible and get my bills paid on time. More than that, I've resolved not to ask my mom for money to help me pay my dentist bill. She has helped me out so many times, I need to sacrifice a little and suffer for my misdeeds :) I have been VERY blessed with multiple gift cards, as well as gifts. This has helped my shopping urges!

Oh yea and I reread my blog posts, and I'm proud to say I've accomplished a couple of things. One, I've joined a small group--and I love it. I've also canceled my cable, am volunteering at a women's shelter and familyworks, and I'm continuing my game nights. So those goals I'm setting? Yea I'm actually doing them. I've even been working up an effort to be a better manager, and with my new raise, am going to find a class that I enjoy.

It feels good to look back and see some goals that I'm achieving. Bad news, I just weighed myself on my mom's scale and am up about 5-10 lbs. Not sure if it's accurate or not seeing as her scale has often weighed me differently than mine. Yikes. I really hope it's not. Another factor could be the pms stuff as well. Good news is is that starting Jan 4th my new exercise regimen will start happening. My brother is letting me borrow his Wii and I will for sure have my DDR set up by then. I need to not let the number on the scale get me down :/ It's threatening to make my spirits plummet, but I'm not gonna let it.

Ok, well it's time for bed now I suppose :)

In the mirror

I woke up early in the morning because I heard my dad come in my room and I thought he took the wine that my mom had bought for me earlier. So after he left I stumbled out of the room and followed his voice back to my parent's room (assuming that he was chastising my mom for buying wine for me). Instead, I heard him talking to my mom about my weight. Telling her that I was unhealthy, and other things that I couldn't hear clearly. He told her he wouldn't say anything to me, but he wanted to tell her (presumably so she'd do something about it?) Well I didn't know whether to sneak off or actually ask him about my original question about wine (I asked him, then went back to bed), but I couldn't get that conversation out of my mind.

At first I was hurt. How dare he talk about my weight behind my back? He has no right to discuss my body with someone else. Then I got angry. It didn't replace the hurt, it just came up right alongside it. And I couldn't figure out why I was hurt and angry--I am overweight. And recently, looking at pictures, I've become more unhappy. After thinking about it, I realized why I was so angry.

I blame my parents for my weight. Most specifically my dad, but my mom as well. I blame them. I blame them because they fought viciously with each other. I blame them because the two people who I trusted the most because untrustworthy, unstable, and sometimes implied that I should pick sides. I blame them because they allowed me to eat fast food, junky food, and then my mom would try to force us to eat uber healthy--which just made me want junky food even more. I blame them because I ran to food for my comfort. I felt like I had no comfort from my parents. I felt like maybe they wouldn't be there one day. That one day I would be abandoned. And food made me feel good. When I ate it, I felt better.

So that's what I did. I ate to feel good. And I got fat. I got stretch marks in 7th grade. I felt awful about myself. But I couldn't stop. I didn't know how to stop. All I knew was how I felt. And I felt unsafe. unstable. and unlovable. I got bigger, and tried to hide it under bullying, big clothes, and a confident smile.

Well I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm telling myself that I will no longer blame them. I will no longer blame them for not being there for me. And I refuse to let food be my comfort. I refuse to let it be my fall back plan. I refuse to try to let it fill my heart and soul. You know who's trustworthy, reliable, and will love me no matter what? Jesus.

I love my parents. And I know they did the best that they could. And the best thing that they did for me was introduce me to Jesus, because without him, I probably wouldn't be living right now. I probably wouldn't be able to stand with my shoulders straight with the confidence that I have. I forgive them. And I let go of the bitterness and pain. I let go of the hurts and distrust. I'm going to stop holding it against them. Because you know what's in the same hand that's holding that bitterness? Food. It's intertwined and connected and I don't want either of them anymore. I don't. I refuse to let it have power over me.

Where's the determination? Where's the pluck? I asked myself a week or so ago? It was suffocated by anger and resentment. It was suffocated by feeling sorry for myself, and letting myself wallow in my hurt. No more. Here's the determination. Here's the pluck. Here's the willingness to take a stand and so no more. Hopefully, that will not only lead me to have a healthier spiritual and emotional life, but it'll lead to a healthier physical life too. I'm cared for. I'm loved. I'm worthy. <3

Goals

I was reading another person's blog on weight loss, and it got me thinking about...well this blog. A blog dedicated to making goals, being successful (despite failure), and sticking to them. I have learned that it's hard for me to stick to things like this. When I have one setback, I kinda give up. This applies to things like--weight, keeping my apartment clean, keeping THE apartments clean. And I just realized that the common denominator between goals that I stick to and goals that I let go to the wayside is my perception of importance. If the goal is important to my career, life...I dunno things I deem as important--I stick to them.

When will I be important to myself? When will my health be important to me? I think to myself "I can get men looking like this" "I still can look pretty at this weight" etc. when the real issue is...why don't I care about myself? Why don't I care about my health? Why am I being lazy about this? Am I afraid that if I become thin I still won't measure up? Am I afraid that I'll fail? What is it? And how can I be better? How can I love myself more...how can I love myself enough to lose this weight?

I'm not sure what my problem is. I'm not emotional about it...I'm just kind of disturbed that this would not be important to me. On one hand I'm happy that I'm happy/not extremely disturbed by my weight, (self esteem yay?) but on the other hand, I want to care about my health. I want to care about the food I put in my body and that it's healthy and strong. I want to care more about the fact that I could get diabetes than if I fit into the same size I've been fitting into for the past 5 years.

Come on, Tiffany. Muster up some kind of fight.

eh!

So, a lot of things are going...well, great in my life. This whole freedom from fear thing is excellent. I had a moment with God last night and it was...familiar and good. I've missed communing with him. We've been having some mostly shallow hang out time (my doing) and I'm finally getting real and letting him in. It's been good.

On the weight loss front...dun dun dun...I gained 1 lb. BOO! I haven't been eating very healthy BUT, i have been keeping to my budget and making food at home. So, on one hand, I haven't been amazingly successful, but I am doing some great things on the other hand. And it feels good.

My focus right now is staying on my budget, cooking meals at home, and applying for the Master's in Social Work degree. (gasp!) After cooking more, I'm going to venture out in the whole exercise thing more. Life has been crazy busy and I'm trying to keep up. I am very proud of my small accomplishments though.

I'm excited about the MSW thing. I was thinking about the MPA program, but everytime i read about it I was like "meh." When I read about social work, it makes my heart soar...is that a good sign? I think so :) So, that's what I'm going to do. I want to work with family resources/services--food banks, employment placement, emergency relief. That's what I want to do. And....I'm EXCITED!

Here's to that dynamic leap...

Sketchy start...weigh in #1

So, my day started off sketchy. I got up at 8, prepped my DDR, but when I actually went to play it...nothing. It's not showing up on the tv or anything. I think my ps2 isn't hooked up correctly. After knocking out my cable and getting really bitter, I kinda gave up and sat on the couch. But I got up again and did some Zumba. Only 20 minutes, but I was proud of myself for actually doing something instead of just sulking on the couch. This means I need to figure out what's going on tonite so I can do DDR tomorrow. Doing Zumba made me realize how out of shape I was. Ugh. First step is always the hardest I suppose.

So...my weight. Starting weight is 241.2. I've definitely kept some of the weight off that I lost before, but this is not good. I want to lose at least 100 lbs. My goal is 5%...which is 12.06 lbs. Okay, here we go...

Feeling inspired and accomplished

So, after mom helped me with $300 worth of bills, I set to making a new budget. I think I did a realistic and accurate budget for this year. My projected date of paying of my credit cards is the end of 2012. My budget says October 2012, but I didn't account for finance charges, etc., so I'm assuming it'll be a little later than that. It seems like a long time, but, I know I can do it. It was supposed to be 2011 when I did my budget before. I'm not waiting any longer. I want...I need to do this.

I'm excited to start working about tomorrow. I'm volunteering at 9:30, so I gotta wake up a little earlier than I would on a "regular" day, but I want to get off on a good start. Stay tuned tomorrow morning for a...ahem...weigh in. ugh. I'm NOT excited about that. I'm going to try to take my measurements too, although, I'm not sure if the miniature tape measure that I have will make it around my body parts :( sad times. Oh well, one day they will and I will look back to this day and...uh...laugh? Haha I dunno. Anyway, I feel accomplished, excited, and inspired. Not bad...

thankful

I am so thankful for my mom. I was telling her my money woes--I have a lot of bills that I haven't paid. You know how you don't pay one month...nothing happens...so you let it go another, then another, then another? That's what happened to me. I have a phone bill, w/s/g bill, electricity bill, student loan, and cable bill that are all past due. My mom asked me how much I owed...and to be honest, I knew what this meant. I knew that she was going to pay some of it. And, to be honest, I am thankful, but I also feel terrible too.

I get the "sigh, not again...Tiffany being stupid with money" kind of feeling. I don't want to have to rely on my parents when stuff like this happens. To be honest, my reliance has lessened everyday. I remember when I was in school and just starting out that I leaned heavily on their support. And I'm proud to say that I do so less and less as the years go on. To be honest, I don't think I could have had a fresh slate with my new budgeting life without my mom helping me pay it. It makes me want to work harder to know all the money, time, and energy that she's invested to help me :)

I am proud that I didn't ask her to pay my cable or phone bill. Cable was a conscious choice. She shouldn't have to pay my bills at all, but especially not something that I don't need that's purely for entertainment. It didn't feel right. I totally forgot about my phone bill, but I'm glad I did. I feel like I should have to use some of the money that I saved to pay that. It's a consequence of my bad spending choices. And you won't learn unless it hurts. (My mom told me that ;) )

I am so thankful that I have parents who have helped and provided for me all of my life. I'm so thankful that they believe and support me. And I'm so thankful that they have always given me the benefit of the doubt. I could not have asked for better parents than them.

Signs of movement

Today I closed the two accounts that were connected to my bank account. It might not be the best solution credit wise, but it's the best solution for me. It will force me to stick to a budget. I also downsized my cable to limited cable. It's $50 less than regular cable and makes more sense for me. I tried mint.com and justthrive.com, but I realized my issue is not accurate money management, it's self control. It's saying "no" to what I want and yes to what I need. That's a hard lesson to learn. Especially growing up and being indoctrinated with the consumerist religion :)

So, those are my first steps. I'm also working on my budget. I'm excited for actual change. I'm glad that I'm learning how to be disciplined. It's going to be hard--especially considering that I have some backpayments that are due that I need to figure out :/ But it will be...it has to be.

Day 1, ok this is getting a bit long

One more continuation. This is going to define my goals for other miscellaneous areas of my life.

1) I'm going to try to continue game nights on a regular basis. I want to meet new people, and create community. I want to be salt and light. I want to be love and fun and all that cool stuff.

2) I'm going to continue to be involved in church, and I'm going to join a small group. Having a church community is really important to me. I can't put into words how much I miss being surrounded by people with the same values as me, speaking into my life. I'm not unsure of where I'm supposed to be. I know.

3) I'm going to get rid of cable, and try to make a habit of reading more. I want to actively learn. I had a dream that I went back to school (Northwest UGH) and I was not too keen on the dorms, but I was excited about class. I was very torn in my dream between the prospects of living in a dorm and higher learning. That says a lot considering my roommate was racist in my dream haha. I have a desire to open my mind and learn. I want to be well informed on current events. I want to have a solid idea of what I believe when it comes to politics (I am when it comes to religion and we know how those 'go together' ;) ) I also just want to remind myself that reading for fun is, well, fun. I loved it when I was younger.

4) I want to take a class or two. I'm not sure what type of class, but I want to take a step in furthering my education in ways that make me happy. I'm not sure if a master's degree is in my future, but I do know education is for me.

5) I want to be consistent with my volunteering. My first day of volunteering with Solid Ground is this Monday. I want to help in tangible ways. Whether I'm on the front lines or helping administratively. I want to make a difference and help in one way or the other.

6) I want to be a better apartment manager, and to keep a better planner/organizer. Those two kind of go hand in hand. I guess I need to be less lazy and actually do the job I get paid for. I want to keep the apartments clean. I want to turn things in on time. I want to create a good community here. My attitude is slowly changing ;)

Day 1, Eh, more decisions

This is a continuation of my previous blog. What other things do I need to change to live a fuller life? My poor stewardship of money. Yes, I said it. I have so many great ideas about money, and fantastic advice to give others, but when it comes to sticking to my goals with money, I fall short. I want to be in control of money, not let it control me. I want to be free of debt. So, here are a couple of steps that I'm going to take:

1) I'm going to continue the good things that I'm doing. I'm going to continue to give money to World Vision. I'm going to continue to automatically withdraw money from check to go to my 401k, and I'm going to continue to automatically withdraw money from my account to my savings account. Good job.

2) I'm going to start tithing (again). I did this about a month or two ago, and suddenly money and provisions became a lot easier. Submit it God, and he will take care of the rest. So, that's a no-brainer.

3) I'm going to call every place that I have a credit card and ask for a lower rate. I'm also going to ask about the pros and cons of closing my accounts. I'm going to for sure close 2 of them. Maybe all of them. I think USAA is going to work with me the best. I worry about AmEx and Macy's, but we'll see what happens.

4) I'm going to look at my budget and see what can stay and what can go. For example, my cable. It sucks my resources and makes me lazy. Another good reason to get rid of it. I'm also going to look at mint.com and see if that's a better way to manage my money.

5) In all things I'm going to be realistic. I don't want to set myself up to fail, so I really need to look at how much I spend, my lifestyle, and what I can realistically get rid of and cut back on.

Day 1. Decisions Decisions...

So, today is the first official day of my new life. My life that will not necessarily be devoid of fear, but it will be full despite fear. I've been wondering what I need to change to encourage myself to live a fuller life. There are certain things that are holding me back. First, there's my health, and my general unhappiness about my body and my non-active lifestyle.

Day by day I've just been feeling chunkier and unattractive. I look great in clothes, and I have a great shape, but I'm overweight. Very overweight. I've been big all of my life, and I'm making the decision that I don't want to be obese any longer. So what steps to take?

1) I'm going to make it a goal to cook at my apartment 3 days a week. That allows for leftovers for lunch and dinner, as well as a day during the week that I can eat out. I may do 2 days. One lunch, one dinner maybe? Or just two days to eat out. That way I can still have lunch with Adam, and I can eat out on the weekends with friends.

2) I'm going to cut down on my sugar intake. I've found out that my excessive and mindless consumption of sugar has been causing me to have yeast infections. Yes, I know, that's gross and probably too much information...but it's a consequence. And I don't want to have to deal with that gross and uncomfortable problem. Frequent yeast infections are also a symptom of diabetes. And I for sure don't want to be diabetic. So I'm making a move now.

3) I'm going to cut down on the diet drinks and up my consumption of water. This is hard because I'm not a big drinker. I'll have to force myself to drink. But I've done it before. I just need to be focused and consistent.

4) I'm going to start exercising. The thing that I know works for me is DDR. I was doing DDR when I lost weight before, and it totally worked. I think (ok I know) I'm a bit lazy. I don't like to have to get dressed, look decent, and then go out and walk the same walk every day. I like to work out in my shorts with my hair looking crazy. I also like a larger impact in a shorter amount of time, as well as knowing how much I'm doing. DDR does that. It counts the calories you're burning, shows the progress that you're making. I think I'm also going to break out the Zumba that I purchased. Maybe I'll learn a new skill!

5)I'm going to get rid of my cable. Getting rid of cable is something that will help me in many parts of my life; this is just one of them. TV sucks my time away from me. It literally keeps me glued to the couch mindlessly. Now, when you think of a healthy lifestyle, this just isn't one that lends itself to one. I'm not getting rid of my TV, I'm getting rid of those extra channels that I just don't need. Those channels that call to me and say "watch the drama, craziness, and intrigue." I lived without cable for two years and I was much. happier.

6) I'm going to look into Weight Watchers. I think having a support group is important and worth it. Eventually, I may even look into a gym. Weight Watchers first though ;)

So that's the first change that I'm going to make, with steps to take in making them. Stay tuned for the next blog about...dun dun dun...money!

More quotes...

I continually have to convince myself not to be afraid. To not fear what may happen, or what someone may think. To not fear failure. I am afraid that everything that I want is impossible for me. That...has no place in my life. I have included some quotes below that have inspired me to overcome my fear. It's interesting that a lot of them are written by women...

La crainte n'est pas dans l'amour (There is no fear in love) Le Bible ;)

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is. H. Jackson Browne

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. Marilyn Ferguson

Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt. Jane Addams

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt

There is nothing to fear except the persistent refusal to find out the truth, the persistent refusal to analyze the causes of happenings. Dorothy Thompson

The Day of Decision

So, this is the day of decision. This is the day that I decide that I'm going to change my life. I want to say that I'm going to be perfect, and that every goal I set will be met with success...the first time...but I know I won't. But I'm not going to let the fear of failure ruin my chances of having a full life. Today is the day that I decide to try. Today is the day that I step out and decide to live. I was trying to find a quote about fear, and overcoming fear, and how important it is, and I found a quote, which is so perfect, and it will be the "tagline" (hopefully if I can figure this durn thing out) of my blog.

I'm not sure where this journey will take me. I was trying to decide if this will be a healthy lifestyle and exercise blog, or if it will just be an everything blog...I'm not sure. I just know I want to be different. I want to be well informed. I want to find joy in many things. I don't want media and what other people say dictate my life and form my opinions. I don't want to settle for mediocre and "just fine" because it's easy. I don't want to melt into the background, afraid to leave my mark. I wasn't made to be mediocre. I was made to be extraordinary. I was made to lead. And finally, I think...I know...I'm going to take hold of my life.

What I think this ultimately means for me, is that I'm going to let go of my life. It means that I am going to believe in love, and not fear. It means that I'm going to dive in, and when my arms get weary and my legs feel like lead, I will know that there is someone else who will move my arms, and help me tread. It also means, that I'm going to choose life over fear. Those days that I think I want to give up. Those days that I will feel weak and afraid. Those days where it just seems too hard. It's in those days, that I hope I will remember this quote:

"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson

I want to live. I want to live to the fullest. I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Today.

This. is the Day of Decision.