Ditch the Critic

Ok, I stared off into space for a good 2-5 minutes just now. I really need to get to bed on time so waking up isn't so hard to do. I'm pretty sore too from all that running, but it's a good sore. A "I played really hard yesterday" kind of sore. In other news, that 10 lbs came on just about as fast as it came off. Now that I'm retaining water again (instead of it rushing out every 10 minutes), it seems that my body has said "f-you you have to work for those 10 lbs woman." Which, is ok I suppose, I'm just a little bitter. I was liking those numbers on the scale :) Speaking of the scale, I wish it would move a little faster if you know what I mean. I'm getting tired of seeing all the same numbers. I think I really liked the part of being sick where the numbers moved 2 lbs every day, and I wish that real weight loss was actually like that. I need to get my head around the fact that it's not :/ Yesterday, I didn't help myself by going to 7-11 on the field trip and buying all sorts of unhealthy snacks for Adam and I. That was totally bogus. Ah well, today is a new day, and I'll remember to bring my healthy yummy food that I got on Wednesday.

Ok so the book. Today it talked about stopping the negative self talk. When you use words like "failure" "loser" etc. as words to motivate yourself not to do bad things, it generally just drags you down. Apparently your brain registers it and tries to make them true. Basically, be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Say positive things to yourself.  It's all in the framework of choices and taking back your power of food...and basically yourself. Living healthy is a hard choice, but it's a good choice and a worthwhile choice. The fact that I or anyone else is even attempting and making better choices in life is wonderful, and we should remember that--not to say "oh I was wonderful for a day, now I can eat 10 cookies." But in a "man, I made good choices today...I bet I can do that tomorrow again."

With weight loss, I'm most competitive with myself. I can't look around at other people and compare, because we're all different. I can take tips from them. I can see what they're doing and try to do something similar, but I can't be them. At this moment, I can't run a whole 3 miles without walking. But I know I can run at least a lap...and that's awesome. I can't (or won't) be vegan like my boss who's trying to lose weight. I can make healthier meat choices and eat more fruits, veggies, and whole grains though. I can't necessarily do what everyone else can do, but I can do the best that I can do--and that's what matters the most. I'm really proud of myself and the progress I've made. I'm going to stick with it, because it makes me feel amazing :)

"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Eph 5:15-16

I want to make the most of life as it's offered to me. I want life to the fullest. When I think of my life, and paths that I can take to get me where I need to go, I think that I want to take the paths that are the fullest, richest, and most beneficial. I want paths full of laughter, opportunities, family, love, friendship, success from failure, generosity, community, etc. I want experiences that teach, shape, and mold me into a better person. Choices, choices, choices...

woohoo!

I'm in week 2 of C25k, and I decided to run with a friend today. I was nervous because she is waaaaayyyy smaller than me and I'm a "slow runner" and new and...I was just all sorts of self conscious. I had such a blast. We chatted, ran at the same pace, did some walking/running with the program, and then after it was done, she challenged me to run a whole lap. Now, if you know me, you know I have never run a whole lap (that I can remember) around a track. I always get tired and stop at some point. Always. But, I did it. Ran the whole way around the track (which is only 1/4 of a mile but I did it!)...and then I did it 2 more times. I...am pretty amazing. My body is amazing, and I had such a wonderful time talking with her. We were out there for an hour. An hour...worked out, ran, for an hour. Love her, love running, love my new healthy lifestyle. Woohoo!

Emotional Safety & The Healing Power of Rituals

When I was sick I read the chapter on emotional safety, and how you should find a safe place where you can relax and create your "ahhhhhhhhh" space. It can have your favorite pictures, music, chair, etc., but it's designed to keep you sane.  Today, the book talked about rituals and how rituals keep you grounded and lend to that idea of emotional safety.  What rituals do I have?

When I get to work, I generally go into Adam's office and sit and chat and hang out with him a bit. Then I meander out to the desk area and talk with Jen and August and Meghan if she's there, and then I go upstairs, get my computer turned on, and start check emails.  On summer days like this, I generally will sit and chat with Jen for a couple of minutes, go upstairs and check my email, and then fill my water bottle up and meet up with Kevin to see what's going on for the day.

At home? In the mornings I wake up, read my "daily motivator" and Bible, blog about both, and then on DDR days I exercise. I then shower, get ready, pack my lunch, and walk to work.  On running days I make sure I pack all my running gear and then go out to run right after work. When I get home, I sit down on my couch and check my email, facebook, and various blogs. I usually will play a couple of games while I turn on DH (or some other show in the background), and then I'll cook dinner, get stuff done around my apartment, or chill.  Then I try to get to bed and read so that I can get up at an appropriate time :) 

I like my rituals, especially my morning/exercise rituals. They make me feel successful, and well rounded. I think I might start incorporating ice tea/regular tea into my ritual. I really enjoyed drinking tea at my parent's house, and it's just a nice, yummy, and has few calories. Mmm...I do like the honey vanilla chamomile with some creamer in it though.  Anyway, my rituals do make me feel happy and safe. These past couple of days that I have been sick have completely thrown me off and I've been...blah. So here's to my healthy rituals! 

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love....Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen...Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." Eph 4:2,29,31-32

The first verse is for me and dealing with the kiddos. Sometimes, this little guys grate on my nerves, and my patience is worn down...super thin. I need to remember to ask for patience, and to bear with them in love.  They're precious little things, even the nasty little 3rd grade boys :)  The second part--phew! Has been a pet peeve of mine concerning a certain person for the past couple of months...but I need to make sure in my bitterness about it that I'm not being unwholesome and tearing her down with my words. And, I need to make sure that I am kind and compassionate to all people...remembering that we are...people...messed up, insecure, and far from perfect. And that my bitterness towards the way I or others are mistreated should be turned into compassion, love, and kindness for everyone..including that person :) And why? Because God is good, and he has done these things for me...the worst of the worst. If I complain about it, I've probably done it. So I should remember to have grace, abounding and overflowing. Okie dokie, time to pack my lunch.

I'm baaaaaaaack!

I can't believe how excited I am to get back to normal life. I can't believe how excited I am to start running again! holy crap. I've been out of the game for less than 6 days and it felt like torture. All I could think about were my goals and how I'm down and out a week in my C25k training and ahhhh! It's funny because in the process I lost about 10 lbs (in 4 days ick), and I was like "woohoo, lowest I've been in awhile," but my main concerns was--am I losing muscle? Will I be too weak to run? Damnit I have to eat! My mindset has definitely changed and it's good to know that I'm thinking like a healthy person. Anyway--awesome news--yesterday, a parent came up to me and said "you're losing weight right? I can tell. How are you doing it?"  It was soooooo encouraging to have someone notice and compliment me on it. Especially someone who didn't really know if I was doing it, they just noticed that I looked slimmer. And! When I was in the bathroom at work (they have a long mirror), I noticed that my thighs aren't looking so curvy around the tops anymore. You know, when you turn to the side and do a profile shot, and the tops of your thighs curve out and then come back in? Mine are starting to go more straight down! Ok, that might not have made sense but it did to me :)  And a side note--I've been doing a lot of reading on Sparkpeople...it's been so inspiring and encouraging. I actually really love being a part of the community...and actually engaging with people this time around. Life is good! Anyway, back to the grind. Tomorrow I'm going to pick up where I left off with my week 2 day 2 training. Wish me luck!

weigh in

I'm sad to say that this weigh in is not reflective of a REAL weight loss. I've been sick this whole week with diarrhea and I did throw up once...but mostly diarrhea. Anyway, at one point during my period, when I weighed myself in the afternoon, I was at 227 and I almost shit my pants. But that went down pretty quickly. My new weight, after loss of many fluids and no eating is....212.4. That's right. In less than a week I've lost 9.2 lbs. It's pretty wrong, pretty insane and I'm sad to say my weight will probably go back up next week :/ But, it gives me something to strive for. I can't remember the last time I was under 215...so, it gives me something to aspire to :)  Anyway, I'm going to take some pepto bismal today to try to harden up the stools and start with some fruits and veggies for food today...see what happens :) On the bright side, this probably has completely cleaned out my system--like a cleansing diet! So I can start fresh haha.

frustrated

I am so frustrated with being sick! I've lost about 10 lbs in the past four days, threw up last night, and everything coming out for the past three days has been liquid (sorry to be a bit graphic). I only completed day 1 of week 2 of C25k  and I really, really, really, don't want to miss another week. I was doing so well! I was actually having fun! I'm still motivated, I want to get up and do it...but I found today just walking up a hill (after not eating anything substantial for the past couple of days) made me weak and woozy. Ugh. Why must some kind of sickness always derail me when I get on track? Whatever it is, I'm not letting it beat me this time. I will get better, and when I do, I'm kicking ass on my running.

A couple of weeks ago I said "at least it's not stomach issues" when I had that crappy cold. Well today, I'm saying "at least it's not paired with anxiety/depression." And I know it won't be. I have waaaayyy to much going for me to be caught up in that mind trap. I am getting better. I'm not as nauseous now that I've puked, and I think I'll be able to start eating whole foods (fruits, veggies, and whole grains natch) tomorrow, and eventually, I will be running again. So, here's the kicking the crappy stomach flu, and being better next week :)

almost finished...

...being sick that is! Yesterday, I threw up a crapload of something or other. Who knows what it was, but the nausea has pretty much gone away...and now I just have the diarrhea. I've eaten a bit and still feel pretty ok, so I think the puking expelled the demon in my tummy. Hopefully for good. Another pound was lost too. Man, if I stay sick, I'll be down to my goal weight in no time :) But seriously, here's to getting better day by day.