Saturday, February 27, 2010
and another thing...
Just bought my first size 16 pants :) I haven't worn a size 16 since high school. Woohoo! Also, I bought some cute sundresses, but figured by the time it gets sunny and appropriate to wear them, I'll probably be too small for them. Sooooo...probs gonna return them. Makes me smile to know that I've been so successful and to SEE the results. Plus I got to spend some quality time with my madre--The Great Divorce, dinner, walking around greenlake, and then shopping. The antibiotics are doing a number on my tummy, and I am EXHAUSTED, but I love hanging out with her. It's been a great weekend, now time to sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Opening Up
I think that I have an anxiety disorder. I say this, not because of my crazy hypochondriac-ness, but because I suffer from anxiety pretty frequently. I suffer from anxiety over little things--a comment made, wondering if I appear stupid. I will obsess and obsess and wonder if people think I'm overbearing, annoying, unintelligent, etc. I get anxiety about new relationships--whether they're going to work out, if I'm going to be what they want/need/desire, etc. I get anxiety about my work performance--it used to be whether I was going to get fired in the beginning, now it's more around the fact of whether or not my bosses respect me, know how hard I'm trying, if I'm going to get in trouble, etc.
I believe that I suffered a bout of anxiety/panic attacks/depression back in March 2008. I went through almost 2 months of throwing up in the morning, having no appetite, not being able to sleep, diarrhea, uncontrollable thoughts of despair, and fear of being alone. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that Jesus loves, cares, and is there for me. I believe the stress of becoming full time, attending an important training, and planning a new program completely overwhelmed me. The amount of new stuff coming into my life was intense and I had intense anxiety over it. I also got new tattoos, and as soon as I was feeling sick, and didn't know what was happening, my mind was racing thinking of all the worse things that could and in my mind would happen.
I realize now, what that feeling is. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. I believe that it's all the changes that are happening now. Jen is officially becoming the new admin assistant. My tasks, my job, everything that I have done for the past 3.5 years are being turned over to her. It's relieving, but it's incredibly hard at the same time mentally and emotionally. Maybe I thought I could "go back" if I wanted to. I don't know. But I think it makes this transition to Education Director more real, and makes me realize that it's my job and I need to step up.
Right now I'm running hot then cold, just talking about the anxiety. It's weird to know you're going through it but not being able to control it. I think what also has fueled the anxiety has been the whole Keystone trip. Augustine was completely unprepared for the meeting, and when I mentioned to Meghan how it went, she flipped out and was like "I'm worried about this trip not going well" and I feel like she basically lost faith in us. I at least felt like she believed that I was unprepared, and I thought that was an unfair assessment because I didn't know that I was even supposed to be involved in the planning process. It made me feel terrible, and then that spiraled me into thinking that she thought I was a terrible plannner and employee and all that craziness. Plus it made Adam put the heat on us (and even though Adam explained he knew it wasn't me, I was still worried that Meghan thought differently of me.)
Lastly, Adam gave me the newsletter. The stupid newsletter where I'd have to think up articles, the member spotlight, put in birthdays, etc. Here's my mind: I have this new job, what if I don't do well. I have this Pittsburgh trip; Meghan already thinks we're incompetent. I'm feeling...overwhelmed. I have this newsletter. I thought I was done with the newsletter. Why do I have this other thing that I have to do. My apartment is a mess. My dad's package never came. I need to clean the apartments. The open apartment hasn't been rented for over 2 months. I feel like I'm going to be fired at any moment. This stupid thing on my back was gross and terrible. What if it comes back? What if I get MRSA? AHHHHHHHHH. That, my friends, is where the anxiety and panic sets in. It's a spiral down, a consistent flow of negativity and worry--and alot of times the worries are unnecessary or untrue. What is burrowed at the center of it is maybe I can't do it and my world is going to crumble around me.
But what IF I can't do it? The packet for Pittsburgh wasn't done when there was a parent meeting. I did a pretty damn good job of reassuring the parents and looking professional despite. If I hadn't been there, it would have been worse. At least they're still letting their kids go and Meghan hasn't received any calls. This new job. Meghan and Adam understand that starting a new job is not easy. They understand that things take time. They know that I have experience, but that I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to have missteps. I, on the other hand, feel like I have to go ALL OUT and do everything at once. That I have to be the perfect ED Director and develop the program into this INCREDIBLE thing in a short time.
That, is unreasonable. It is also putting undue stress on my body and mind. I literally sleep for 5 hours before I'm awakened by my anxiety. This is not good. I need to talk with Adam and possibly Meghan about all of this. Let them know where I am, let them know what happened last time, and accept their help and support. I also might need to see a doctor about ways to treat, soothe my anxiety. It usually only comes with big life changes--the major panics--so if I can be aware of it, and calm myself before it wells up, then maybe it will eventually pass and I'll not feel overwhelmed anymore.
Jesus, I need your help. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. I pray that you will give me a sound mind and heart today. I pray that you will help my mind to stop racing with illogical and irrational thoughts. I pray that you will help me to stop being so hard on myself. I pray that you'll help me to do my best, but to understand when I can't do everything. I pray that you will help me to understand that just because someone's disappointed in me, doesn't mean that I'm a failure. Help me to understand my limitations. Helm me not to spiral out of control with my thoughts. Most of all, help me, in this time, to cling to you and the people you have put around me. Help me to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not in this by myself, and that I'm doing a great job.
When I was having "worry poops" in the bathroom, I pulled down this magazine and what do I turn to? An article about anxiety haha. Here's one of last steps that he mentions to deal with anxiety:
"Don't let your worries stop you from living your life. Many of them will turn out to be false, and the consequences of your anxiety--less sleep, a rapid pulse, a little embarrassment--are just inconveniences when it comes down to it. What can you still do even if you feel anxious? Almost anything." Real Simple, 10 ways to cope with anxiety.
Thank you friends, for being there to support me, to love me, and to listen to my fears. I think I need to make a habit of expressing my fears more often, so I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed by them. An encouraging and rational voice other than my own would probably help. :)
I believe that I suffered a bout of anxiety/panic attacks/depression back in March 2008. I went through almost 2 months of throwing up in the morning, having no appetite, not being able to sleep, diarrhea, uncontrollable thoughts of despair, and fear of being alone. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that Jesus loves, cares, and is there for me. I believe the stress of becoming full time, attending an important training, and planning a new program completely overwhelmed me. The amount of new stuff coming into my life was intense and I had intense anxiety over it. I also got new tattoos, and as soon as I was feeling sick, and didn't know what was happening, my mind was racing thinking of all the worse things that could and in my mind would happen.
I realize now, what that feeling is. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. I believe that it's all the changes that are happening now. Jen is officially becoming the new admin assistant. My tasks, my job, everything that I have done for the past 3.5 years are being turned over to her. It's relieving, but it's incredibly hard at the same time mentally and emotionally. Maybe I thought I could "go back" if I wanted to. I don't know. But I think it makes this transition to Education Director more real, and makes me realize that it's my job and I need to step up.
Right now I'm running hot then cold, just talking about the anxiety. It's weird to know you're going through it but not being able to control it. I think what also has fueled the anxiety has been the whole Keystone trip. Augustine was completely unprepared for the meeting, and when I mentioned to Meghan how it went, she flipped out and was like "I'm worried about this trip not going well" and I feel like she basically lost faith in us. I at least felt like she believed that I was unprepared, and I thought that was an unfair assessment because I didn't know that I was even supposed to be involved in the planning process. It made me feel terrible, and then that spiraled me into thinking that she thought I was a terrible plannner and employee and all that craziness. Plus it made Adam put the heat on us (and even though Adam explained he knew it wasn't me, I was still worried that Meghan thought differently of me.)
Lastly, Adam gave me the newsletter. The stupid newsletter where I'd have to think up articles, the member spotlight, put in birthdays, etc. Here's my mind: I have this new job, what if I don't do well. I have this Pittsburgh trip; Meghan already thinks we're incompetent. I'm feeling...overwhelmed. I have this newsletter. I thought I was done with the newsletter. Why do I have this other thing that I have to do. My apartment is a mess. My dad's package never came. I need to clean the apartments. The open apartment hasn't been rented for over 2 months. I feel like I'm going to be fired at any moment. This stupid thing on my back was gross and terrible. What if it comes back? What if I get MRSA? AHHHHHHHHH. That, my friends, is where the anxiety and panic sets in. It's a spiral down, a consistent flow of negativity and worry--and alot of times the worries are unnecessary or untrue. What is burrowed at the center of it is maybe I can't do it and my world is going to crumble around me.
But what IF I can't do it? The packet for Pittsburgh wasn't done when there was a parent meeting. I did a pretty damn good job of reassuring the parents and looking professional despite. If I hadn't been there, it would have been worse. At least they're still letting their kids go and Meghan hasn't received any calls. This new job. Meghan and Adam understand that starting a new job is not easy. They understand that things take time. They know that I have experience, but that I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to have missteps. I, on the other hand, feel like I have to go ALL OUT and do everything at once. That I have to be the perfect ED Director and develop the program into this INCREDIBLE thing in a short time.
That, is unreasonable. It is also putting undue stress on my body and mind. I literally sleep for 5 hours before I'm awakened by my anxiety. This is not good. I need to talk with Adam and possibly Meghan about all of this. Let them know where I am, let them know what happened last time, and accept their help and support. I also might need to see a doctor about ways to treat, soothe my anxiety. It usually only comes with big life changes--the major panics--so if I can be aware of it, and calm myself before it wells up, then maybe it will eventually pass and I'll not feel overwhelmed anymore.
Jesus, I need your help. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. I pray that you will give me a sound mind and heart today. I pray that you will help my mind to stop racing with illogical and irrational thoughts. I pray that you will help me to stop being so hard on myself. I pray that you'll help me to do my best, but to understand when I can't do everything. I pray that you will help me to understand that just because someone's disappointed in me, doesn't mean that I'm a failure. Help me to understand my limitations. Helm me not to spiral out of control with my thoughts. Most of all, help me, in this time, to cling to you and the people you have put around me. Help me to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not in this by myself, and that I'm doing a great job.
When I was having "worry poops" in the bathroom, I pulled down this magazine and what do I turn to? An article about anxiety haha. Here's one of last steps that he mentions to deal with anxiety:
"Don't let your worries stop you from living your life. Many of them will turn out to be false, and the consequences of your anxiety--less sleep, a rapid pulse, a little embarrassment--are just inconveniences when it comes down to it. What can you still do even if you feel anxious? Almost anything." Real Simple, 10 ways to cope with anxiety.
Thank you friends, for being there to support me, to love me, and to listen to my fears. I think I need to make a habit of expressing my fears more often, so I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed by them. An encouraging and rational voice other than my own would probably help. :)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Having an eating experience
Day 40 of the book. While I've been doing this thing a bit longer, I'm still proud that I'm continuing and that I've actually done this "routine" for 40 days. My body is tired, but I feel good. Like, I've been doing good work and that my body will eventually get used to it again :) The past two 45 minute work outs have been rough--but they get better everyday. Thank the LORD that today is my 'down' day. Anyway, on to the book.
Do I like the food or the eating experience? Do I enjoy making the food, being with people, etc., or tasting the flavors, appreciating the textures...
"Sometimes we don't want food at all. Instead, we simply want to enjoy being around it. Shopping for food, then cooking it and arranging it can bring us great delight. In other words, we want an experience around food."
The rest talks about creating an eating experience that doesn't focus on food, but I don't think I'll do that. I guess the emphasis is on enjoying the experience and not over eating the food? This chapter was bleh.
2 Thess got a little in the end times. I don't like mulling on that subject. I grew up with a lot of fear on that subject, and while I understand faith, grace, etc. more, I just prefer to continue with my faith and to let what happens happen.
Do I like the food or the eating experience? Do I enjoy making the food, being with people, etc., or tasting the flavors, appreciating the textures...
"Sometimes we don't want food at all. Instead, we simply want to enjoy being around it. Shopping for food, then cooking it and arranging it can bring us great delight. In other words, we want an experience around food."
The rest talks about creating an eating experience that doesn't focus on food, but I don't think I'll do that. I guess the emphasis is on enjoying the experience and not over eating the food? This chapter was bleh.
2 Thess got a little in the end times. I don't like mulling on that subject. I grew up with a lot of fear on that subject, and while I understand faith, grace, etc. more, I just prefer to continue with my faith and to let what happens happen.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
success
I resisted ordering pizza. I seriously was on the website, looking at the calories, deciding what I wanted...it was in the cart--and I said no. One reason, we're having pizza for lunch on Thursday and I want to eat it guilt free. Another reason, because I don't need it! Yay for self control. I've been really NOT wanting to make dinner at home. My saving grace has been canned soup and pbj english muffins. I have food...I'm just being a lazy ass. Sigh. Work has been crazy, and my feet seem to be sore everyday. I'm so excited NOT to be doing the admin job anymore. I feel much...freer! Plus we've started setting up my workspace so it's feeling official. And the kiddos are...extra hyper it seems :/ anyway, now I'm rambling. i started this thing two hours ago and i'm just now finishing it. THAT's how my day's been going haha.
:)
I measured myself out of curiosity today. My last measurements were as follows:
Waist 42
Hips 50
Thigh 31
Upper Arm 16.5
New measurements:
Waist 38
Hips 48.5
Thigh 29
Upper Arm 16
8 inches total. What inspired me was actually looking at myself naked in the mirror and being startled by how defined and smaller my waist has gotten. I'm pretty stoked with those results. Although, I def want to start toning everything more...especially my arms ;)
Waist 42
Hips 50
Thigh 31
Upper Arm 16.5
New measurements:
Waist 38
Hips 48.5
Thigh 29
Upper Arm 16
8 inches total. What inspired me was actually looking at myself naked in the mirror and being startled by how defined and smaller my waist has gotten. I'm pretty stoked with those results. Although, I def want to start toning everything more...especially my arms ;)
Flavor or Texture?
Today the book talked about whether flavor or texture mattered more to someone eating food. So it talked about crunchy vs. smooth, etc. I find that I like easily chewed things. So softer candies, etc. Hard candies make me impatient and I end up swallowing them or chewing them anyway. I don't think I'm eating for the texture. But it could very well be possible...Anyway, all these chapters are starting to blend for me.
2 Thessalonians 1 has been unexciting so far.
2 Thessalonians 1 has been unexciting so far.
Monday, February 22, 2010
holy shit i can't breathe!
So I started doing my 45 minutes of DDR...I actually had to sit out part of one song--which I've never done! I guess my body got lazy for the past two weeks that I haven't been working out but man was I winded. I thought I has asthma! Plus, I left my running clothes at work...which includes my sports bra. My poor right nipple was overstimulated. It was hurting like a mofo from rubbing against my bra. Doesn't help that I'm about to start my period...any day now...and they're probably sensitive from that. The nipple pain was kinda intense I'm not gonna lie. I am proud to say that I wanted to quit before it ended, but I didn't. I stuck it out. Woohoo yay me. Ugh. Now, I need agua. and maybe a nap haha.
Food as Power
Today the book tackled the subject of food making one feel powerful or in control. And that many people eat to fill or void or make themselves feel strong. At first, I thought, hmm that's not me. But I've actually noticed that when I'm stressed, I tend to lean on candy. So, when I'm trying to get the K-1s calmed down, I use candy. After I give them a piece, I take a bit. The sugar appeases my "ahh" moments. Which, now that I'm giving up candy for Lent (RAB!), I have to consciously choose something else that will help me feel "stronger."
"Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thess 5:13b-24
I love the fact that these verses focus on how we treat others. It just shows me that loving others is such an important factor of my faith. Patience, kindness, encouragement, helping the weak. All about our relationships with the people around us. I also love the last sentence. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. That's powerful to me. He started something good, and he will finish it. He is faithful to us. It's so simple but so...good. I don't know, with all these requests and then also to be joyful etc., it seems a little impossible. But the beauty of it all is the God will do it if you let him. He'll help you and transform you into a person who is kind, patient, joyful. We're not alone.
"Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thess 5:13b-24
I love the fact that these verses focus on how we treat others. It just shows me that loving others is such an important factor of my faith. Patience, kindness, encouragement, helping the weak. All about our relationships with the people around us. I also love the last sentence. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. That's powerful to me. He started something good, and he will finish it. He is faithful to us. It's so simple but so...good. I don't know, with all these requests and then also to be joyful etc., it seems a little impossible. But the beauty of it all is the God will do it if you let him. He'll help you and transform you into a person who is kind, patient, joyful. We're not alone.
loving my body
I've always had a love/hate relationship with my body. I used to cover it up pretty consistently in high school, and then all the sudden I became reacquainted with my fashion sense. I've always been conscious of the fact that I've been bigger, and there was a distinct change in how I felt about that right around the time I was 17.
I love the fact that I have tattoos. I love each and every one and think they look beautiful. I was gonna say classy, but I'm really not sure if tattoos can exactly look classy haha. But I love them.
I love my boobs/bum. I have a fantastic butt. It's one of those things that I look at in the mirror and am not ashamed of. It's actually pretty firm, and has a great shape. My boobies are balanced with my bum, so I don't look too top heavy or bottom heavy. They just work well together :)
I love my face. All the features of my face. I used to be disappointed with my face, but now I love it all. I love the uniqueness of it.
I'm not so keen on my stretch marks. Ugh. I HATE my stretch marks. Sadly, I have them on my arms, my tummy, and on the 'muffin top' (which is slowly disappearing thank you very much) part of my back. I don't think I'll ever wear a bikini. Which, I don't exactly have an aspiration towards it I'm just bitter other fat girls don't have stretch marks everywhere ;)
I wish my hands and feet were smaller. I have what my mom calls "piano hands." They're long, and if they weren't so chubby, they'd actually look pretty elegant. I like my fingers, but I wish my palms were a bit smaller. I wish I hadn't ruined my feet by wearing too narrow shoes! Now I have bunions. Sigh. Which make my feet even wider. I wish they weren't so long so I could fit into an 8.
My flabby arms and legs have always caused me a bit of grief. Especially my arms. I never let them go free in a sleeveless or cap sleeved shirt. They're always covered up. I have nice tone in them, but they are a bit flabby and have stretch marks. So, I've always hated that.
As I'm on this journey of weight loss, I'm beginning to appreciate and love my body more and more. Even the flabby, stretch marked parts. I have a fantastic shape, which is showing up more and more as I lose weight. The stretch marks show where I've been, and where I don't want to be again. My hands are strong and my feet are steady. My arms can easily pick up a child, and my thighs have been known to kick ass at DDR. It's not perfect, but it's the body that I have. It's been with me for 24 years and although I've mistreated it, it hasn't failed me yet. In fact, it's been pretty resilient despite the treatment. I love my body. I can't wait until it reaches it's full potential. It's looking pretty damn good if I say so myself :)
I love the fact that I have tattoos. I love each and every one and think they look beautiful. I was gonna say classy, but I'm really not sure if tattoos can exactly look classy haha. But I love them.
I love my boobs/bum. I have a fantastic butt. It's one of those things that I look at in the mirror and am not ashamed of. It's actually pretty firm, and has a great shape. My boobies are balanced with my bum, so I don't look too top heavy or bottom heavy. They just work well together :)
I love my face. All the features of my face. I used to be disappointed with my face, but now I love it all. I love the uniqueness of it.
I'm not so keen on my stretch marks. Ugh. I HATE my stretch marks. Sadly, I have them on my arms, my tummy, and on the 'muffin top' (which is slowly disappearing thank you very much) part of my back. I don't think I'll ever wear a bikini. Which, I don't exactly have an aspiration towards it I'm just bitter other fat girls don't have stretch marks everywhere ;)
I wish my hands and feet were smaller. I have what my mom calls "piano hands." They're long, and if they weren't so chubby, they'd actually look pretty elegant. I like my fingers, but I wish my palms were a bit smaller. I wish I hadn't ruined my feet by wearing too narrow shoes! Now I have bunions. Sigh. Which make my feet even wider. I wish they weren't so long so I could fit into an 8.
My flabby arms and legs have always caused me a bit of grief. Especially my arms. I never let them go free in a sleeveless or cap sleeved shirt. They're always covered up. I have nice tone in them, but they are a bit flabby and have stretch marks. So, I've always hated that.
As I'm on this journey of weight loss, I'm beginning to appreciate and love my body more and more. Even the flabby, stretch marked parts. I have a fantastic shape, which is showing up more and more as I lose weight. The stretch marks show where I've been, and where I don't want to be again. My hands are strong and my feet are steady. My arms can easily pick up a child, and my thighs have been known to kick ass at DDR. It's not perfect, but it's the body that I have. It's been with me for 24 years and although I've mistreated it, it hasn't failed me yet. In fact, it's been pretty resilient despite the treatment. I love my body. I can't wait until it reaches it's full potential. It's looking pretty damn good if I say so myself :)
weigh in
Another rough week. I think I started out tracking, and then ended up not tracking. Sigh. I miss having the ability to track/snack whenever I wanted. Kind of :) I wouldn't trade it for the new opportunities though and the fun I'm having. I also haven't been drinking the amount of water I'm supposed to. And, last week I ate out almost every day for lunch. Nothing too crazy, but still. Plus I haven't started my period yet. I exercised a total of TWO days this week. However, I still weighed myself (after a long satisfying pee), and the result was........226.4! I've lost 1.8 lbs which I am just going to round up to 2 ;) I've lost 20.2 lbs!!! I've lost over 20 pounds in 7 weeks. I'm assuming I'll lose about 1-2 lbs a week in the future, especially with weight training and the fact that muscle weighs more than fat. I'm at 8.1% of weight lost. I don't think I'll get to my 10% which is 24.6, next week, but maybe the 9th week :)
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)