urg!

Weight loss is such a struggle! I've been struggling with these last couple of lbs right before 200 for the past 4-5 months! I've been struggling with my eating, and I've been struggling with exercise, and it's just been hard. I felt so close the other week and now I've bounced back to the mid 200s.

Right now I'm sitting in my living room and thinking to myself 'you should workout.' But what I really want to do is go back to sleep. I want to just lay down, and forget my worries, struggles, EVERYTHING! for just one second. I'm so emotionally drained and confused right now that working out seems to be the last thing that I want to do.


I want to be DONE with the 200s. I want to move on, and I can't seem to let go. I don't know if it's fear, or laziness, or what...but I know I can lose these last few lbs. I know I can. I just want to be done. To see the numbers go down permanently, not just for a day.

My problem is, is when I see the number on the scale change, I decide to be lax. I don't know where this attitude comes from, but it's completely sabotaging me! I never would have done this in my journey last year...I think the 40 lbs is making me cocky or something.  So. Here's to consistency. Here's to working out consistently, eating consistently, sleeping consistently, having a consistent social life. Ok, I'm going to do some yoga.

back to the basics?

So, I've found myself making some pretty big decisions lately.  I've been looking at my job, at my opportunities, at everything that I've learned over the past couple of years...and I'm finding that I want more. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy working in ratio with the kids every day.  I'm finding that I'm yearning for knowledge and training that my job just doesn't want/isn't prepared to give me. I'm finding that I'm unhappy, and it's causing me to nitpick everything.  I'm pretty much finding that it's time for me to move on.

Maybe this means moving on to another job, but I think it mostly means moving on from this emotional attachment I have to my job. I have this fear that I'm not going to be good enough, or that I don't have the skills that I need, or that I will fail in something new.  I also do love the laid back nature of my job, my accommodating boss, and most of the people I work with. I'm kind of attached to those things. But the fear and attachment are literally getting me nowhere.  I love the ease of the job, but it doesn't challenge me very much.  In fact working with kids frustrates me and drains me...it makes me want to pull my hair out most of the time!

So...I'm looking at schools. And yes, I know that I've been looking at this for the past 6 years! But I think that I finally know what I want to do--I want to get my MBA. I feel like an MBA is broad enough to open doors to multiple avenues that I want to pursue. With an MBA I can still work non-profit, and it'll also give me knowledge to pair with my experience.  

I called my mom, and she was ecstatic and very encouraging, as was my best friend. I've been mulling over this and I realize that the one...person? that I haven't really asked about it was God. I haven't prayed about it. And for some people this is ok, but for me, I really need some guidance...cause this is a big decision. I'm very dependent on this guy because he has led me every single place that I've been, and all those places have been wonderful. He has opened the door to opportunities that I never thought possible, and he has helped alleviate fear in my life. Yep, God. My faith is a constant in my life and while I'm terrible at acknowledging it and I've been not as connected in relationship as I should be, it's still my go to. The one thing that I trust above all others.

And I realize as I'm saying this that to be honest, I need to get back to cultivating my faith and relationship with God. That not only is it important to me, but it's pretty essential to my happiness and well being. So...yea. That's where I'm at right now. Big scary decisions, and an even bigger, wonderful God. I'm excited to see what comes of it... :)