struggling to keep on track

I have to say I struggled to wake up this morning. Not only because I went to bed a smidge late, but because as I've mentioned before, I'm at that crossroads of deciding what's important. The awesome thing is, is that after I wrestled in my mind (alarm, snooze, me saying 'I can work out tonight' 'No, you won't work out tonight just do it now' 'ugh.' alarm again)I actually am up and ready to work out and get things done. I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to sit down. I'm going to keep going. I've come too far, and I'm not done proving what I can do :)

I love to eat!

Today the book asks the questions do we love the "flavor and aroma OR sensations of eating more than the food itself?" Is it truly the texture and taste or is it because we read our favorite book while eating, are with family and friends, or filling other emotional needs? I know I'm not a big food connoisseur. But the foods that I LOVE are foods that I grew up eating, like cucumber salad, ribs, corned beef and cabbage (my mom's fake kind), her brownies, etc. I find with those foods, I can and will eat tons of them. And I think it's because it reminds me of family, grilling out, and fun times. In fact, most of the times that I eat ribs and cucumber salad is with my family and friends when we go to my parents house. It's like an event :)

However, I need to remember that it's not about the great emotions and feelings that I get when around these foods. It truly should be about appreciating the flavors then stopping when I'm full. The book also mentions if you "love eating" around certain times a day, etc. it might be because you're filling an emotional need so watch out. Now that I think about it, I think I like the "full" feeling. I don't know why...it just makes me feel better sometimes. That's probably something to think about...

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." 1 Thess 4:11-12

Theres a verse in this chapter about controlling our bodies and staying away from sexual immorality. Sigh. I wish that was something that I'm ready to tackle right now and say that I'm strong in, however it's not. The temptation is strong and there are days when I just want to call certain people up and have a tryst. I know it's not good for me, and I know it'll probably just make me bitter, but for some reason I still want to do it. I'm staying strong, but it's a day to day struggle. Seriously.

Anyway, I liked this verse. I just liked how it called these people to a simple life. Nothing glamorous or out of the ordinary...as if that's the kind of life they should want to live. And to be honest, that's the kind of life I want to live. I don't want drama and craziness, I want a quiet life. I don't want to be worried about the Joneses and be up in everyone else's business...I want to mind my own business and for people to do the same. I wouldn't mind being with someone who worked with their hands...I think that's sexy. I know "working with your hands" can mean so many different things, but what I think of is manual labor so I'm just gonna say that "working with my hands" means working with kids haha. I like the idea of not being indebted to other people, and mostly in the way of money. I don't want to have to "owe" anyone anything. Anyway, good verse.

Slow down your eating

Today the book expounded on the whole eating pause and how it can frustrate you because you want to finish the food on your plate. You think that you can't be full, when in reality you are. I tried the eating pause thing yesterday--we went out to mongolian grill and I set my fork down, and I recognized it, but then I took about 7 more bites. I've learned, that for myself, once I've done the whole pause thing, I need to get the food AWAY from me. Especially if it's delicious because I'll just want to finish the whole damn thing. In my mind, especially now that I'm eating healthier, I think "well, it's healthy so it's ok if I eat more." And that's a terrible way to think. I mean, yes, eat until you're satisfied, but don't figure because it's only 200 calories total that you can binge eat it haha.

It's funny recognizing my own habits and weaknesses. I like that in this chapter she says that you body might not be consistent. That on some days you'll want more than others. And that you might be hungry again after 2 hours. It's about listening to your body and it's needs. I like how it also says that one day we'll "misjudge" our signal and overeat but that it's ok. Practice makes better. And I will figure out what my body needs.

One method that she talked about for the whole eating pause is eating slowly. I am a super fast eater. I will sit down, gobble it all down, and then on to the next task. "When you eat too quickly, you can slip right past the eating pause and become too full before you realize it." Which, I feel like is very true in my case. Ok wow just took about a 30 minute break. I think I'm done for today :)

Oh glory! 1 Thess 3 is a short chapter :)

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you." 1 Thess 3:12

This whole book is brimming with this love and concern that Paul has for these people. It's as if he's more concerned for their well-being than he is for his own, and hearing that they're doing well energizes and uplifts his spirits. I would love for someday not to be so selfish at times, and to have a habit of putting others needs in front of mine. I do it occasionally...not very often. But it's something that I would like to see more of in my life. And I would love to have my love for others increase and overflow as well. It's kinda a beautiful visual for me. :)

so proud of myself

I am so proud of how far I've gotten. I've worked hard, been consistent, made better choices, and I've lost 17.4 pounds in 5 weeks. It's incredibly uplifting and makes me smile every time I think of that. I feel like this is also the point that I could decide "oh, I've done it, I've proven I can lose weight" and stop. I've found that in my life, I tend to try new things, prove that I can be good at them, and then stop and do something else. I stop before I can be "great" or "amazing." Because I set my goals at just being "good enough." And also because I'm afraid that I can't be "great" or "amazing." So I've found out that I can successfully lose weight. I've found out that I can get into the 220s again. I've found out that I can eat right and exercise and actually ENJOY it. And now I feel like I'm wavering on that line of "ok, done."

And I don't mind wavering. I don't. I understand that we have our habits and our mindsets and things like that. But one thing that I refuse to do is waver and then step back. I won't do what I've done so many times before. I remember this time two years ago I had lost about ten pounds and then got sick and lost another ten. And people were like "wow you look great" and I just took that and didn't get back on the wagon. I figured that I could stop tracking, that I could stop exercising everyday and that things would still continue to get better. But they didn't. I gained almost all of it back. And I refuse to do it again. I refuse to let the myself say "oh you've achieved it" when I really haven't. I refuse to give into fear.

This is just the start of my journey. This is the beginning of a new life, new outlook, and new habits. I'm going to take this day by day, and I'm going to fight. And I know there will be days when I don't have any fight left in me...and I'm going to at least stand up. I refuse to sit, I refuse to stop, I refuse to let go. I can't wait until I get into the 210s, then 200s, then 100s. I can't wait, and I can see those days clearly, but only if I continue standing up and doing what I'm supposed to do.

I love the fact that my clothes are getting smaller. I love the fact that I'm cooking more, and that my body feels better. I love that people are noticing. I love all of that. But more than that, I love myself. I love the fact that I have made a decision, set forth goals, and am achieving those goals one by one. I'm so happy, and as I lay here lazily, I know that it's time to get up and continue THIS day. To do it today. To stand up, and make a choice to love myself more and more everyday. I'm so proud of myself.

The Eating Pause

So, I've decided not to "catch up" on days that I missed. If I missed it, I missed it. No big deal. Today the book talked about 'the eating pause." They said that at some point when you're eating, you pause. You either put your fork down, stretch, talk with someone else, or stretch briefly. Or...sigh :) It's at this time that your body is signaling it's full, but so many miss that sign. It's interesting because I do the stretch thing, and the put down my fork/whatever I'm eating when I do it...usually vehemently haha.

It's funny how different people have different indicators, but our body's telling us the same thing. I think my biggest issue, now that I'm thinking about it, is that when I get to this "pause," I usually don't have all that much left a lot of times...it's not worth saving, but I don't want to throw it away, so I eat it anyway. Bad, bad habit. Wasting on my hips instead of throwing it away. I'm going to be more attentive to this and work on either saving my food to eat later or throwing it away...but def not eating the rest of it after...the pause.

"...but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children...we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worth of God..." vs. 7,11,12

I didn't see much in this chapter that spoke to me, except this reference to mothers and fathers. It struck me as interesting before, and it strikes me as interesting now. The descriptions remind me of my own parents, and it reminds me that God has the qualities of mother and father...and the he is not a he...he is above gender. Hm. He is the perfect combination I guess. Anyway, Thessalonians might be "one of those books." We'll see.

and another thing

So, I realized that in my desperation of feeling terrible about myself this past week, that I prayed and asked God that he would help me. That he would help me to make good decisions, and that the hard work would show up on the scale. He is faithful, and I just wanted to give him props for not letting me give up and for reminding me that he loves me and I can do this through my actions and also through other people in my life. I'm thankful for ALL of the relationships that I have that have helped me through this, including the one with him. :)

Listen Accurately

Today the book talked about how we need to listen to our bodies to know when we're satisfied. It talked about people who associate the feeling of being full with good times, family, great food, and how this might make them want to stuff themselves. Which, I feel like piggybacks off what I said yesterday about feeling food. A lot of emotions can be attached to it :) Anyway, here's what the book says "Instead of enjoying the sensation of being overly full, begin labeling it as uncomfortable. Make a conscious decision that you no longer want to feel that way and that instead, you want to feel comfortable or satisfied." I like how I've vibe-ing with the book. :)

Ok, jumping into 1 Thessalonians today...To be honest I decided on it because the first chapter is super short...haha I'm so terrible :)

"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thess 1:3

I really like this verse. I like how it shows that their actions were inspired by faith, hope, and love. That it wasn't like they just wanted to do these things, but they were inspired from and come from God. I think all good actions and things come from and inspired by God. I don't think people have to believe in him for him to allow wonderful things to happen in their lives and for them to be influenced by him. I think that speaks to his awesomeness that he would allow us not to acknowledge him and not to serve him and still bring goodness into this world by any means possible. I love it. God is good :)

weigh in

So from previous blogs (i think i detailed it on theabsurdextent)we all know how difficult this week was for me. Sigh. No tracking. Ate out on Thursday, two different times I had coffee blasts from 31 Flavors (320 calories each), and had soft serve after chinese food on Thursday. I did give most of it to Denis, but I indulged. I weighed myself this morning....229,2!!!! I lost 4 lbs. Four whole effing pounds. I can't believe it...and I still have to poop holy moly I might have lost 6 hahaha. I guess all the working out and all the other good habits have paid off. My metabolism is up, even when I do indulge I make good choices, and I ended up losing 4 lbs! I'm so stoked. Ah, I wish I could poop right now cause I know it would be at least five pounds if not six haha. But guess what? I'm back in the 20's! Out of the fortys, out of the thirtys, and now in the 20s! My body is looking great, my health is getting better. I'm super stoked. Good times.

Here's the tally of weight loss so far:

Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2

17.4 pounds lost so far. I'm awesome and God is good!

oh yea

So another thing that Meghan told me during my review was that work is never going to be done. The stack is never going to be gone, things are not going to be perfect. And that I need to learn how to be ok with things not being perfect and being unfinished and not exactly how I want them. You see what I'm talking about with the insight-fullness? Anyway, I'm going to let go of the fact that I didn't track my weight this week. I'm going to let go, and accept that I'm not perfect and that it's ok. Eeesh I need to put some clothes in the washer!

and another thing...

Me and my bff Rab went shopping today...and....I WAS A FULL PANTS SIZE DOWN! I'm out of the 20s and into 18s. It's nice to be in the teens again :) I tried on dresses, and I'm a size down in those as well. Even Rab commented on how she could tell I lost weight in my middle area, which, I think I responded with a "I KNOW" ecstatically, but I just want to say thank you Rab, it mean a lot to hear you say that :) It's nice when other people acknowledge your accomplishments and the things you work hard to do. I actually really enjoyed the time I spent with her yesterday. I feel very blessed to have a bosom buddy. She's the anne to my diana (i'm not sure which is which...I suppose she's anne since she's a redhead haha who knows). Anyway, I love my Rab, and I love that we are doing this together :)

Five Hour Rule/Fullness Scale

So....we're doing a bit of catch up and doing TWO daily motivators today because I skipped yesterday in the interests of SMART Girls, shopping, and Kates. Enough said.

The five hour rule. If you go longer than five hours you tend to overeat. I think this can be true in some instances. Yesterday I went to the mall with the girls and I didn't pack food, and I was starving. I ordered teriyaki (only chicken and veggies), but then I ate ALL of it...and I kept eating even though I was full. Sigh. It was delicious and I was soooo hungry. However, when I get home from work, and I haven't eaten, I tend not to do this. So I think it's the situations (stressful vs unstressful, etc.) Yesterday I was definitely stressed out and sought comfort in that teriyaki :) I think that the rule of eating every 3 hours is perfect. And the whole bringing snacks thing is VERY important. When I don't bring snacks I tend to want to just go with whatever I can find. Like the teriyaki. Good reminder :)

Fullness scale. This is one that I've been terrible at all my life. I eat till I'm stuffed. In my mind, I guess I thought that super full feeling was normal for the longest time. I think I often ate to fill some kind of emotional void, and the fullness would push the other emotions out so that all I felt was sleepy, stuffed, and sick. But I think I just have gotten used to that feeling and I have to consciously work to not stuff myself--even on GOOD foods. Like, I'll eat cucumber salad until I'm stuffed, or salad. I shouldn't eat anything until I feel stuffed. So this is a good one for me to work on. I tried to do the sighing thing Bec, and I didn't really sigh. Or maybe I was too conscious of it to sigh. However, I'm gonna take your advise and keep an eye on the whole "sighing" thing :) Ok, I felt like both of those topics were pretty good. Now onto the Bible. (there's a slight sigh there as 1 Peter is not that awesome... ;) )

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may life you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:5-7

I really like the last part. To me it emphasizes the fact that when we're prideful, ie. think we can handle everything and have it all together, we tend to carry a lot of stress, anxiety, and just overall complexes. It's hard being perfect and better than everyone else right? But when we live humbly, God lifts us up. He makes us feel on top of the world. I love that it says he cares for us. Not that he loves us, but he cares for us. Our little hurts, pains, thoughts, musings. He cares about those things, and is willing to take them. There was an old song that I learned as a child from a christian video, and it goes like this:

"I cast all my cares upon you, I lay all of my burdens, down at your feet. And anytime, I don't know just what to do, I will cast all my cares upon you."

I used to love this song and as a child would sing it all the time. When I relearned it as an adult, it helped me work through and "speak through" fears and anxieties I had. God is good. I mean, seriously...as a child I learned that song and it still speaks to me heart. I want my kids to have that :)