So I decided to do my budget today, see what it looks like. I actually am not that far off my goals. I was SUPPOSED to pay off one of my credit cards by this month, however I didn't make that goal and it's not happening till May. I'm still slated to pay off all my credit card debt by 2012, and when that happens, I'll be getting essentially a $450 raise. Can you believe that? I'm spending $450 on paying off my credit cards. Sheesh. Never again!
I realized as I looked at my budget that I have a pretty damn good budget. I just never followed it. So my goal this year is stepping it up and KEEPING to my budget...and remembering to budget the little things realistically...like birthdays, holidays, etc. I'm actually saving 5% of my income, budgeted electric more frequently, and upped my personal spending. I should PROBABLY budget better for those camping trips I want to take. Hmph. Ok, back to the drawing board. The good news is, is that it's looking good. And I'm excited.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I resolve to...
I've never been one of those people who has made new years resolutions. I'm the kind of person who makes resolutions all year...and then I come to a point when I say "this, is what I'm going to do." And then I do it. Most of the time. There are some uncertainties like job changes, masters degrees, and moving to other states that take a few more back and forths before I settle on something. Anyway, if you've read this blog for any amount of time you know I like setting goals, and then re-evaluating them and then yea. So you know the process.
Last year, I resolved to make this "The Year of Me" and I put myself and what I wanted first. It's been a fantastic year. I've lost over 40 lbs, run in four 5k events, got involved in activities that interested me, received a promotion, found out I was allergic to sulfa drugs and resolved NEVER to go on prednisone if I can help it, read more books and cancelled my cable, realized I loved 2 hour massages, went to D.C. and Hawaii, and the list goes on and on. It has been fantastic, eye opening, and altogether fun.
This year is "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out" as I've mentioquotes that ned in a previous post. I'm going to list my goals, my dreams, my resolutions, and I hope and pray that at this time next year, I'll have achieved them. There are three quotes that I am going to start this list off with, because I love them and think they apply to this new year.
"The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller
"Whatever it is, if I stay with my flocks of familiarity, the word will become stored away in my head, maybe even deceive me into thinking I’m better for having heard. But I’m never better for having heard… I’m better for having responded."
Richard Dahlstrom
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Albus Dumbledore
Money
Re-evaluate my budget
STAY with my budget
Save at least 3% every month (on top of the 4% I'm putting aside in my 401K)
Tithe 10%. Regularly.
Continue to pay off credit cards, and pay what I've BUDGETED
Be realistic and flexible, but remember my goals :)
Job/s
Prioritize and manage my time better
Network.
Step up my planning.
Put more effort into my programs.
Implement a healthy lifestyles program for girls and boys.
Be positive and focus on what I can do to improve...not drama and negativity.
Turn my restlessness into productivity...not laziness.
Keep apartments clean and up to standard.
Turn stuff in on time :)
Faith
Go to church 3/4 Sundays a month.
Become involved in another community group.
Cultivate and continue new relationships.
Read scripture daily.
Tithe :)
Start volunteering again. Start with Tabitha...again.
Personal
Hike up a mountain
Camp at least 4 times this year...NOT including with kiddos from the Club
Spontaneous trip with the BFF
A fantastic, relaxing trip ALONE
Passport.
Canada!
cooking classes
Yoga
Buy a bike
Run one 5k per month until Sept
Start training for 10ks in Sept (maybe earlier?)
Join a gym? or maybe a fitness group..
read at least 1 new book a month
In this year of stepping up and stepping out, the biggest thing I want to do is challenge myself. I don't want to be mediocre, and I don't want just an average life--a life that is less than what I can have--I want life to the fullest! I want to continue with the amazing changes that I've brought to my life this year. And a big part of that is realizing that it's in my hands. Of course God is there guiding me and leading me to opportunities, but I have to start taking hold of things as well as appreciating what I have and working with those things. I want to love myself, deepen my relationship with God, and give to others what I have freely received. God is good.
Last year, I resolved to make this "The Year of Me" and I put myself and what I wanted first. It's been a fantastic year. I've lost over 40 lbs, run in four 5k events, got involved in activities that interested me, received a promotion, found out I was allergic to sulfa drugs and resolved NEVER to go on prednisone if I can help it, read more books and cancelled my cable, realized I loved 2 hour massages, went to D.C. and Hawaii, and the list goes on and on. It has been fantastic, eye opening, and altogether fun.
This year is "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out" as I've mentioquotes that ned in a previous post. I'm going to list my goals, my dreams, my resolutions, and I hope and pray that at this time next year, I'll have achieved them. There are three quotes that I am going to start this list off with, because I love them and think they apply to this new year.
"The aim of life is to live and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller
"Whatever it is, if I stay with my flocks of familiarity, the word will become stored away in my head, maybe even deceive me into thinking I’m better for having heard. But I’m never better for having heard… I’m better for having responded."
Richard Dahlstrom
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
Albus Dumbledore
Money
Re-evaluate my budget
STAY with my budget
Save at least 3% every month (on top of the 4% I'm putting aside in my 401K)
Tithe 10%. Regularly.
Continue to pay off credit cards, and pay what I've BUDGETED
Be realistic and flexible, but remember my goals :)
Job/s
Prioritize and manage my time better
Network.
Step up my planning.
Put more effort into my programs.
Implement a healthy lifestyles program for girls and boys.
Be positive and focus on what I can do to improve...not drama and negativity.
Turn my restlessness into productivity...not laziness.
Keep apartments clean and up to standard.
Turn stuff in on time :)
Faith
Go to church 3/4 Sundays a month.
Become involved in another community group.
Cultivate and continue new relationships.
Read scripture daily.
Tithe :)
Start volunteering again. Start with Tabitha...again.
Personal
Hike up a mountain
Camp at least 4 times this year...NOT including with kiddos from the Club
Spontaneous trip with the BFF
A fantastic, relaxing trip ALONE
Passport.
Canada!
cooking classes
Yoga
Buy a bike
Run one 5k per month until Sept
Start training for 10ks in Sept (maybe earlier?)
Join a gym? or maybe a fitness group..
read at least 1 new book a month
In this year of stepping up and stepping out, the biggest thing I want to do is challenge myself. I don't want to be mediocre, and I don't want just an average life--a life that is less than what I can have--I want life to the fullest! I want to continue with the amazing changes that I've brought to my life this year. And a big part of that is realizing that it's in my hands. Of course God is there guiding me and leading me to opportunities, but I have to start taking hold of things as well as appreciating what I have and working with those things. I want to love myself, deepen my relationship with God, and give to others what I have freely received. God is good.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Stepping Up and Stepping Out
I'm having "one of those nights." You know what I mean...those nights when all you've done is lay around, watching mindless shows (ok, I watched Mad Men with the ever hot Don Draper), cruising around online, wondering "what the heck am I doing with my life?!?" I've done what I typically done on these nights...I've eaten...a lot...and I've searched and researched degrees and classes, and I've looked for jobs...all around the U.S. And I've been wondering what else is out there. What do I want for my life. How do I feel happier, fulfilled...how do I get more?
And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.
But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.
I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort. And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.
But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different. I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.
And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible. I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?
I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.
If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.
My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.
And usually on these nights, I go to bed, unfulfilled, wanting more. Usually the night turns into at least a week-long funk (sometimes longer) in which I contemplate these things. I tell my friends about my doubts and how I "want more" and I can't help but lie awake and spend my days looking for...more.
But not tonight. Tonight, is a night that is very unlike those previous nights. I think I will always have these nights. I think I will always ask "what else is out there?" I will always dream and seek more. But tonight, I'm not letting it last a week, a month, longer. Tonight I'm realizing how much I've been given, and I'm deciding not only to be content, but to be happy. And you know what else I've decided? I've decided I have so much to learn.
I have so much to learn about so many things. First and foremost about myself. I need to learn how to put away my arrogance and skepticism, and be open to people and ideas. I have so much to work on. I'm realizing that I have the opportunity, talents, skills...to be extraordinary...not just average. I've always been the girl who has been excellent without any effort. And I don't mean to sound arrogant about that--I've been that way ever since I've been in school. Effortless "A's", an ease with people and projects. And it was all done at the last minute, with the least amount of effort and thought I can put into it.
But you know what? That's not what I want for my life anymore. That's not what I want for my job, my personal goals, my spiritual life...everything. I have these skills, these abilities, that I'm just letting lie dormant. I become unhappy because I feel unchallenged, or I want to do something different. I can bring about that change and challenge without totally rearranging my life and seeing everything wrong with what I have. I HAVE all I need...it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to realize that it's not about changing my job, moving, or getting a new hobby. It's about seeing where I'm at and figuring out what I have and making it as amazing as possible.
And when I think about it, I've done that with one specific thing--my apartment. I know that sounds weird, but I have this belief that my home represents who I am, and I have worked tireless to make my apartment as perfect as possible--from the furniture, to the color choices, to the arrangement. I cannot say how long I waited and dreamed for the perfect couch, table, room color...and I made it all come to be. In all of my apartments I had that obsession...and I made them as perfect as possible. I worked hard, and made my dreams a reality with the resources that I had. And I have no illusion that my apartment is a ritzy downtown condo--but I've taken what I have and have made it as wonderful as possible. Does that make sense?
I need to do this with other aspects of my life. I've started this year--I was unhappy with my weight and health...so I started eating healthy and exercising...and look where I am now. I was unhappy with my social life...I joined various groups and got involved in things that I enjoy...and I'm loads happier that I was before. I guess I just needed to put it into words. I have life to the fullest...I just have to take hold of it I guess.
If I want to focus on a healthy eating and fitness program in my job--I should start one. If I want to learn how to cook better...I should take a class. If I want to revitalize my spirtual life...I should start with church and my own quiet time in the morning. Life and everything I want for it is at my fingertips...and it doesn't take something huge to change it. It just takes a decision, then a step in the right direction. From there, everything else will fall into place.
My very best and most wonderful friend Becca asked me what my theme this year was going to be. Last year, it was "The Year of Me." I focused on what I wanted and who I wanted to be. This year, it's going to be "The Year of Stepping Up and Stepping Out." I told her it was "The Year of Trying New Things..." which it still is, (that's what the whole stepping out means), but I also want to step up my life. I want to step up my commitment, I want to put action to my words, dreams, and goals and DO something about them. So I'm stepping up, and stepping out. I'm commiting myself to being a better me...the me that I'm meant to be. Next blog? Things I want to achieve in the next year. I'm SO excited to write about them...even more excited to DO them.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Noviembre esta aqui!
I have no idea if that's the correct spanish. I'm just gonna go with it :) It's been over a month since I've been on this blog, and I have to admit, that Sparkpeople has been so convenient for blogging. It not only is a website that I log into everyday, but it offers support, which, to be honest, this one doesn't really offer. However, I do want to pop back in on here and update (everyone? haha) on where my progress is.
Weight loss since starting
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Aug 15th (22nd WI) 1.5 lost, 216
Aug 22nd (23rd WI) o lost, 216
Aug 28th (24th WI) 2.4 lost, 213.6
Sept 9th (25th WI) 1.2 lost, 212.4
Sept 11th (26th WI) 2.6 lost, 209.8
Oct 25th (27th WI) 5.2 lost, 204.6
When I actually look at the numbers, it's really encouraging...because now I know that I can successfully lose the remaining weight. I was blogging on Sparkpeople, and talking about how I was no longer afraid to TRY to do stuff anymore, and it made me think of this blog and how I was so fearful starting out. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not looking good even when I was thinner. I was afraid of looking dumb. I was afraid of standing out. I was afraid of...so many things. My self-confidence was lagging, and although I've always been pretty confident at whatever weight I was at, I didn't feel...comfortable with myself.
I don't really know how to describe it but it was as if the life that I had lived thus far was only a stunted, small version of the life that I wanted. There were so many things that I wanted but so many things that I was afraid of trying. And now, over a year later (I started this blog in October), I am 40 lbs lighter, and full of life and happieness. And my life no longer revolves around if a guy likes me/thinks I'm attractive, or if I look good to so and so in this dress, or if I can impress so and so with blah blah...it revolves around...me.
And when I say me, I mean the things that I love and enjoy. I no longer put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable or weird. I do all the nerdy things I like to do...including settlers and HP and poker. I am doing well at my job. I'm a runner! I'm getting stronger and losing weight everyday. I'm making new friends and laying a foundation for deeper relationships with people of my faith. I'm reading like crazy! I'm stepping out and trying and doing new things....and I'm loving life! This is the most free and full that I've felt in a long time. Not only am I healthy in body, but I'm healthy in mind and spirit. God is good. You ask for help, and he gives it. You cry out for LIFE and he supplies it.
I found this manfesto, called the holstee manifesto, and it perfectly describes my new motto on life:
"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop;
they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."
Every last phrase of this spoke to me, but I've found that at this point and time, the one that resonates for me the most is the stop looking for the love of your life, because they'll be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love. I've always believed that, but it's never been put into those words. No matter how much I will and want my future husband to come, he's not going to come until it's time. Life is too short to waste on wondering and waiting and pining. For me, I thought that ok, if I'm not going to wait and pine and I'm just going to start getting together with people, even people that I know won't work in the long run. Which, shockingly, didn't work out for the best.
I always thought that I was a "throw 'em away, don't get involved, leave them before they hurt you, no emotions" kind of girl. Now I'm realizing that what I really was was a girl who wanted to be SURE that I was "wantable", because I was so tired of waiting. And so I accepted whoever what there, because it made me feel desired and that I was "wantable." But those encounters made me feel more unstable and insecure than before...and it took me awhile to realize those "lines" I was feeding myself weren't really lines...they were truth. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and the fleeting encounters I can have with this guy or that will never fill that desire. The false intimacy and comfort I felt with M. could never add up in a million years to the comfort and intimacy of someone who I knew I could share my life with. And I knew it, but I just kept trying because you know what? It's fucking hard to wait.
It's hard when I know that I could walk into somewhere, flirt, flash a couple of smiles, wear a hot dress with boots and walk out with a guy who is more than willing to fill my need for love and comfort. It's hard when I have opportunities that I could capitalize on. It's hard when I definitely have a libido! It's hard to not wonder "hmmm, maybe I can put up with their pot smoking habit..." or "is faith really that important to me?" in times of weakness. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to lie and say I'm strong. It's a struggle that I fight every day and will probably continue to fight.
But there's a difference between the being with M. me and the me there is standing before you right now. The M. me said "why not, you don't have anything better to do" or "who cares?" or "what's another night?" And I would continue foolishly along the path that I created. The me today, answers those questions like this: "I have infinitely more better things to do. I would rather spend a night alone than with someone who doesn't love me." "I care. I care more about myself now that I ever have in my life and I'm not willing to risk my well-being and the wonderful life that I have created for some random guy." "Another night is another part of me that I let go of. That I say isn't worthy of something better. Another night is me saying I don't really care, because I'll be ready when the right one comes along. And that's not true, because I care."
So here I am now, in a completely different state of mind than before. Before, I would wait, and pine and hope that life would start once this "mysteriously wonderful man" came into my life. Now, I'm living my life and doing what I love. And hopefully there will be a guy out there who can keep up with me and who can love some of the things that I love. I'm not waiting around, I'm living. I'm not looking actively, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And most of all, I'm living. Living life in a way that I have never lived before. And I love it.
Wow, I didn't think this would turn into...a "go me/power rant" like this but it did :)
Weight loss since starting
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Aug 15th (22nd WI) 1.5 lost, 216
Aug 22nd (23rd WI) o lost, 216
Aug 28th (24th WI) 2.4 lost, 213.6
Sept 9th (25th WI) 1.2 lost, 212.4
Sept 11th (26th WI) 2.6 lost, 209.8
Oct 25th (27th WI) 5.2 lost, 204.6
When I actually look at the numbers, it's really encouraging...because now I know that I can successfully lose the remaining weight. I was blogging on Sparkpeople, and talking about how I was no longer afraid to TRY to do stuff anymore, and it made me think of this blog and how I was so fearful starting out. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not looking good even when I was thinner. I was afraid of looking dumb. I was afraid of standing out. I was afraid of...so many things. My self-confidence was lagging, and although I've always been pretty confident at whatever weight I was at, I didn't feel...comfortable with myself.
I don't really know how to describe it but it was as if the life that I had lived thus far was only a stunted, small version of the life that I wanted. There were so many things that I wanted but so many things that I was afraid of trying. And now, over a year later (I started this blog in October), I am 40 lbs lighter, and full of life and happieness. And my life no longer revolves around if a guy likes me/thinks I'm attractive, or if I look good to so and so in this dress, or if I can impress so and so with blah blah...it revolves around...me.
And when I say me, I mean the things that I love and enjoy. I no longer put myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable or weird. I do all the nerdy things I like to do...including settlers and HP and poker. I am doing well at my job. I'm a runner! I'm getting stronger and losing weight everyday. I'm making new friends and laying a foundation for deeper relationships with people of my faith. I'm reading like crazy! I'm stepping out and trying and doing new things....and I'm loving life! This is the most free and full that I've felt in a long time. Not only am I healthy in body, but I'm healthy in mind and spirit. God is good. You ask for help, and he gives it. You cry out for LIFE and he supplies it.
I found this manfesto, called the holstee manifesto, and it perfectly describes my new motto on life:
"This is your LIFE. Do what you love, and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop;
they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop overanalyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating.
Life is short. Live your dream and wear your passion."
Every last phrase of this spoke to me, but I've found that at this point and time, the one that resonates for me the most is the stop looking for the love of your life, because they'll be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love. I've always believed that, but it's never been put into those words. No matter how much I will and want my future husband to come, he's not going to come until it's time. Life is too short to waste on wondering and waiting and pining. For me, I thought that ok, if I'm not going to wait and pine and I'm just going to start getting together with people, even people that I know won't work in the long run. Which, shockingly, didn't work out for the best.
I always thought that I was a "throw 'em away, don't get involved, leave them before they hurt you, no emotions" kind of girl. Now I'm realizing that what I really was was a girl who wanted to be SURE that I was "wantable", because I was so tired of waiting. And so I accepted whoever what there, because it made me feel desired and that I was "wantable." But those encounters made me feel more unstable and insecure than before...and it took me awhile to realize those "lines" I was feeding myself weren't really lines...they were truth. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, and the fleeting encounters I can have with this guy or that will never fill that desire. The false intimacy and comfort I felt with M. could never add up in a million years to the comfort and intimacy of someone who I knew I could share my life with. And I knew it, but I just kept trying because you know what? It's fucking hard to wait.
It's hard when I know that I could walk into somewhere, flirt, flash a couple of smiles, wear a hot dress with boots and walk out with a guy who is more than willing to fill my need for love and comfort. It's hard when I have opportunities that I could capitalize on. It's hard when I definitely have a libido! It's hard to not wonder "hmmm, maybe I can put up with their pot smoking habit..." or "is faith really that important to me?" in times of weakness. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to lie and say I'm strong. It's a struggle that I fight every day and will probably continue to fight.
But there's a difference between the being with M. me and the me there is standing before you right now. The M. me said "why not, you don't have anything better to do" or "who cares?" or "what's another night?" And I would continue foolishly along the path that I created. The me today, answers those questions like this: "I have infinitely more better things to do. I would rather spend a night alone than with someone who doesn't love me." "I care. I care more about myself now that I ever have in my life and I'm not willing to risk my well-being and the wonderful life that I have created for some random guy." "Another night is another part of me that I let go of. That I say isn't worthy of something better. Another night is me saying I don't really care, because I'll be ready when the right one comes along. And that's not true, because I care."
So here I am now, in a completely different state of mind than before. Before, I would wait, and pine and hope that life would start once this "mysteriously wonderful man" came into my life. Now, I'm living my life and doing what I love. And hopefully there will be a guy out there who can keep up with me and who can love some of the things that I love. I'm not waiting around, I'm living. I'm not looking actively, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And most of all, I'm living. Living life in a way that I have never lived before. And I love it.
Wow, I didn't think this would turn into...a "go me/power rant" like this but it did :)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
running...worship...hmmm
So ever since it started getting darker earlier and my schedule changed back to 11-7, I told myself I was going to do a morning run instead of running in the evenings. Well, after the excitement of my first 5k was over, my desire to run dwindled a bit. Last week, I felt so lazy and blah and tired that I didn't do any real running at all (except for a little in the middle of the week). I found out that last week was my PMS week (go figure) as I'm now dealing with my wonderful TOM. It didn't dissuade me from getting my butt out of bed and going for a run today. I went to bed early, woke up around 5:15, read until 6:45, then got my shoes on and headed out of the house.
The run was amazing. The first mile plus I ran and had a good pace going, then stopped and walked. During my walk, on the beautiful morning with greenlake not so full and all new and fresh, I had this thought of "why don't you put on a little worship music?" I'm sure it was a gentle nudge from God, but it was clear, and I just knew I had to. So I did, and it was the best decision I've made.
As I was running I realized that everything that I've had, including this newly found love for running, has come because of help and grace from God. I remember crying and praying to God to help me, to change me, to give me courage and to show me how to live my life to the fullest. And here I am, happy, healthy, trying new things, and loving every second that is given me in the day. The first song that I listened to was "Came to my Rescue" and the chorus goes "I called, you answered...and you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are." And it's true. I called, I asked, and he came to my rescue. It came in the form of him giving me courage to try and me saying yes to him. It came in the form of him showing me sparkpeople...and me responding to the resource. It came in the form of being challenged to run (something I've been wanting to do for a long time) and me saying yes and training for c25k.
He has laid a path before me that is greater than anything I can have imagined, and all it takes is my response of "yes" to him and the things he wants for me. I want my running not to be worship of my abilities and growing strength. I want my running to be an act of worship to him and how good he is. Every breath that I take and every mile that I run will be for him, because of what he's done for me. He came to my rescue. God is good.
The run was amazing. The first mile plus I ran and had a good pace going, then stopped and walked. During my walk, on the beautiful morning with greenlake not so full and all new and fresh, I had this thought of "why don't you put on a little worship music?" I'm sure it was a gentle nudge from God, but it was clear, and I just knew I had to. So I did, and it was the best decision I've made.
As I was running I realized that everything that I've had, including this newly found love for running, has come because of help and grace from God. I remember crying and praying to God to help me, to change me, to give me courage and to show me how to live my life to the fullest. And here I am, happy, healthy, trying new things, and loving every second that is given me in the day. The first song that I listened to was "Came to my Rescue" and the chorus goes "I called, you answered...and you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are." And it's true. I called, I asked, and he came to my rescue. It came in the form of him giving me courage to try and me saying yes to him. It came in the form of him showing me sparkpeople...and me responding to the resource. It came in the form of being challenged to run (something I've been wanting to do for a long time) and me saying yes and training for c25k.
He has laid a path before me that is greater than anything I can have imagined, and all it takes is my response of "yes" to him and the things he wants for me. I want my running not to be worship of my abilities and growing strength. I want my running to be an act of worship to him and how good he is. Every breath that I take and every mile that I run will be for him, because of what he's done for me. He came to my rescue. God is good.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
lazy day
I have cheated on this blog for the convenience and support of my sparkpeople blog. :/ I will work on keeping this one up as well :)
I went for my yearly visit to my doctor yesterday and aside from being healthy, she said I had nearly perfect BP and was super happy about my weight loss. I did JM 30DS level two and let me tell you, it'll probably be a good long while before I graduate from the level. The plank position seems to be in more than half of the circuits and I was DYING the whole time :) It was a good workout though. I had a fantastic time Friday night, although Saturday I was rewarded with a lingering headache and an gurgly stomach every once in awhile.
For the past couple of weeks I've been eating recklessly--I did a lot of shopping and my eating habits suffered for it. But after going grocery shopping this past week I'm ready to be back in the saddle of eating nutritiously...not just being aware of calories. More fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and cooking at home are in my future--which I'm excited about. It's nice to have convenient dinners like smart ones around, but nothing beat a fresh homecooked meal.
Yesterday I spent much of the day lounging around my apartment after my dr's appointment. I think I'm going to do JM, clean up my apartment, write my brother, and then head off to get some running in. Next weekend I'll be running another 5k and I need to get back into shape for it :) I was rubbing the shin and for the first time I noticed that the bone sticks out now...no more fat cushioning it, it long and lean and sharp :) My legs are slimming up and having nice contours and muscles as well. Despite my grumbling about JM, I never would have been able to do that workout earlier this year, and I'm happy about the progress I've made in becoming healthier, happier, and stronger. What a good year...I'm excited for everything else that is to come.
I turn 25 right at the end of 2010, and I'm really excited that I'm preparing to live the next quarter century of my life with vigor and vitality. I truly want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd...and I'm gaining it, day by day. God is good :)
I went for my yearly visit to my doctor yesterday and aside from being healthy, she said I had nearly perfect BP and was super happy about my weight loss. I did JM 30DS level two and let me tell you, it'll probably be a good long while before I graduate from the level. The plank position seems to be in more than half of the circuits and I was DYING the whole time :) It was a good workout though. I had a fantastic time Friday night, although Saturday I was rewarded with a lingering headache and an gurgly stomach every once in awhile.
For the past couple of weeks I've been eating recklessly--I did a lot of shopping and my eating habits suffered for it. But after going grocery shopping this past week I'm ready to be back in the saddle of eating nutritiously...not just being aware of calories. More fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and cooking at home are in my future--which I'm excited about. It's nice to have convenient dinners like smart ones around, but nothing beat a fresh homecooked meal.
Yesterday I spent much of the day lounging around my apartment after my dr's appointment. I think I'm going to do JM, clean up my apartment, write my brother, and then head off to get some running in. Next weekend I'll be running another 5k and I need to get back into shape for it :) I was rubbing the shin and for the first time I noticed that the bone sticks out now...no more fat cushioning it, it long and lean and sharp :) My legs are slimming up and having nice contours and muscles as well. Despite my grumbling about JM, I never would have been able to do that workout earlier this year, and I'm happy about the progress I've made in becoming healthier, happier, and stronger. What a good year...I'm excited for everything else that is to come.
I turn 25 right at the end of 2010, and I'm really excited that I'm preparing to live the next quarter century of my life with vigor and vitality. I truly want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd...and I'm gaining it, day by day. God is good :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
life is good
I'm so excited to be done with our summer session. I went shopping yesterday and realized that I will finally get to wear all the cute clothing that I have accumulated over the past couple of months. I went shopping yesterday and spent a pretty penny. I might return some stuff, but it's so nice being able to shop in the regular ladies section and not the women's section. My size varies from XL to L to M, but I'm pretty much solidly in a large, and I feel amazing. I'm reaching goals left and right and making decisions for me...and it's nice...really nice.
I was talking with a friend the other day about how happy I am. My life is full, and it's full of things that I enjoy and that keeps me in contact with different kinds of people, doing different types of things. And it's also full of me. I'm able to do stuff for me, because I want to do it. It's not centered around pleasing other people, and worrying about what they want, it's about living my life and living it for moi. She said "Sometimes I envy you single people because you don't have to worry about someone else and their needs." And it's very true. I told her that there's a trade off with that...I'm single, and can live for me...she's coupled, and has to worry about her S.O...but I'm sure she wouldn't give up her S.O. to be single...if if she did...then maybe her S.O. isn't right for her.
I'm holding onto that idea more and more that one (single vs. coupled) is not better than the other. There are pros and cons to both, but it really is about enjoying whatever stage you're at. And I know that sounds all syrupy and...I don't know...like I'm just quoting a line, but honestly, truly, and completely, I'm loving being single. I'm loving living for me, and while there will always be room for someone else like a husband and family, right now, I'm enjoying just being a mommy to a very easy to care for kitty :)
Today, I'm going to do some cleaning, try on some clothes from my closet, go shopping, get a TWO HOUR massage, shop a little more, go to church, then come home to a clean, apartment that is all my own. I finished another book that I had been reading this morning, and woke up with the leisure of not having to hear or deal with anyone other than my little keekers meowing and wanting a little love. This, is the life. I'm content. And not only content, I'm making progress is all sorts of ways. Life is good...God is good.
I was talking with a friend the other day about how happy I am. My life is full, and it's full of things that I enjoy and that keeps me in contact with different kinds of people, doing different types of things. And it's also full of me. I'm able to do stuff for me, because I want to do it. It's not centered around pleasing other people, and worrying about what they want, it's about living my life and living it for moi. She said "Sometimes I envy you single people because you don't have to worry about someone else and their needs." And it's very true. I told her that there's a trade off with that...I'm single, and can live for me...she's coupled, and has to worry about her S.O...but I'm sure she wouldn't give up her S.O. to be single...if if she did...then maybe her S.O. isn't right for her.
I'm holding onto that idea more and more that one (single vs. coupled) is not better than the other. There are pros and cons to both, but it really is about enjoying whatever stage you're at. And I know that sounds all syrupy and...I don't know...like I'm just quoting a line, but honestly, truly, and completely, I'm loving being single. I'm loving living for me, and while there will always be room for someone else like a husband and family, right now, I'm enjoying just being a mommy to a very easy to care for kitty :)
Today, I'm going to do some cleaning, try on some clothes from my closet, go shopping, get a TWO HOUR massage, shop a little more, go to church, then come home to a clean, apartment that is all my own. I finished another book that I had been reading this morning, and woke up with the leisure of not having to hear or deal with anyone other than my little keekers meowing and wanting a little love. This, is the life. I'm content. And not only content, I'm making progress is all sorts of ways. Life is good...God is good.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
ah what a relaxing weekend
I had the most relaxing weekend in the longest time! I've been out and about for the last month or so going to my parents house, spending time with them, and helping them with the move. With working all well, and then spending my weekends there, I haven't really had time to decompress and rest...which I ended up doing this weekend and I have to say...it was glorious. Friday, I rented two movies, watched one, and then went to bed with a book. Saturday, I told myself I had stuff to do. One was to clean my entire apartment. The other was to watch the second movie, the last was to run. First, I decided to watch the movie, because who likes to start off a Saturday working? So I spent a lazy Saturday morning watching a movie and putzing around my apartment.
Around 1pm I decided it was time to start cleaning...starting in my bedroom (where piles of clean clothes were taking over), rolling into my living room (where piles of clothes and dishes and bags and EVERYTHING were lurking), over into my dining room/kitchen (which had the kitty litter box, and the sink full of 3 week old dishes...ew), over into the entry way/bathroom (which was piled with stuff brought home from my parents). I told myself I had until 7pm to do all that stuff because that is when I was going running. Welp, 7 hours later, I had everything done. EVERYTHING. I even rearranged my room :) There's still little stuff I have to go through, but my apartment is clean...gloriously, wonderfully, clean. And can I just say that 1) I love my apartment....it's so awesome in so many ways and 2) I love living alone! It's amazing and I don't think I will give it up willingly for anyone except if I get married...seriously.
At 7 I headed out the door to return my redbox rentals and run around the track. I've decided that I'm going to start doing 3 miles from now on with my running. I run 3 laps, walk 1 lap, and repeat 2 more times. That way I do a complete 5k. It was rough...I got tired and my legs got stiff and my breathing sometimes got jagged, but I did it. I knew I could because I did it two or three weeks ago when I was supposed to do 3run 2walk, 3run haha. And I clocked in at a 37.5 minute 5k...which averages to a 12.5 min mile...which, with walking added in is pretty good I must say :) Anyway, I'm hoping to be around a 35 minute mile by the time of the race. We'll see what happens I guess. After that, I cooked some incredibly yummy fajitas, Alisha came and bought my old TV, and then I sat down, enjoyed dinner, read my book, and then went to bed.
Today, I really wanted to go to Greenlake and walk with fellow Seattle sparkers...but I ended up waking up at 6 watching a show, eating breakfast, and then falling back asleep until 1ish. So, no walk, but I def wanna do that next time they get together. I met up with a friend for the last of the Tutta Bella special, then I caught the bus and went to church...which...felt great. I love my church, and I love that Richard challenges me to think about things that I don't normally dwell on and consider...Anyway, now I'm home, and although I thought maybe I would skip out on doing JM 30 day shred, I think I'm just gonna do it. Because I'm actually shockingly starting to enjoy it and...it's a good habit. Then I'm going to plan my meals for the rest of the week, make tuna, and then settle in my comfy bed with Eat, Pray, Love. This was exactly the weekend I needed. Thank you Jesus!
Around 1pm I decided it was time to start cleaning...starting in my bedroom (where piles of clean clothes were taking over), rolling into my living room (where piles of clothes and dishes and bags and EVERYTHING were lurking), over into my dining room/kitchen (which had the kitty litter box, and the sink full of 3 week old dishes...ew), over into the entry way/bathroom (which was piled with stuff brought home from my parents). I told myself I had until 7pm to do all that stuff because that is when I was going running. Welp, 7 hours later, I had everything done. EVERYTHING. I even rearranged my room :) There's still little stuff I have to go through, but my apartment is clean...gloriously, wonderfully, clean. And can I just say that 1) I love my apartment....it's so awesome in so many ways and 2) I love living alone! It's amazing and I don't think I will give it up willingly for anyone except if I get married...seriously.
At 7 I headed out the door to return my redbox rentals and run around the track. I've decided that I'm going to start doing 3 miles from now on with my running. I run 3 laps, walk 1 lap, and repeat 2 more times. That way I do a complete 5k. It was rough...I got tired and my legs got stiff and my breathing sometimes got jagged, but I did it. I knew I could because I did it two or three weeks ago when I was supposed to do 3run 2walk, 3run haha. And I clocked in at a 37.5 minute 5k...which averages to a 12.5 min mile...which, with walking added in is pretty good I must say :) Anyway, I'm hoping to be around a 35 minute mile by the time of the race. We'll see what happens I guess. After that, I cooked some incredibly yummy fajitas, Alisha came and bought my old TV, and then I sat down, enjoyed dinner, read my book, and then went to bed.
Today, I really wanted to go to Greenlake and walk with fellow Seattle sparkers...but I ended up waking up at 6 watching a show, eating breakfast, and then falling back asleep until 1ish. So, no walk, but I def wanna do that next time they get together. I met up with a friend for the last of the Tutta Bella special, then I caught the bus and went to church...which...felt great. I love my church, and I love that Richard challenges me to think about things that I don't normally dwell on and consider...Anyway, now I'm home, and although I thought maybe I would skip out on doing JM 30 day shred, I think I'm just gonna do it. Because I'm actually shockingly starting to enjoy it and...it's a good habit. Then I'm going to plan my meals for the rest of the week, make tuna, and then settle in my comfy bed with Eat, Pray, Love. This was exactly the weekend I needed. Thank you Jesus!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
eee!
I chose running over poker tonight. Did you hear what I said? I had a chance to play poker (which I love) and instead said my health and running was more important to me. I'm so proud of myself :)
whirlwind week
Oh my goodness so many things are happening this week. Firstly, I found out Tutta Bella was having a "thank you loyal customers" sale and was giving away one free pizza per table. So I went with Adam for lunch...and then again with Alisha & Jen for dinner. Sadly, our plans to run, go swimming, then eat dinner went down the hill to swimming and eating dinner, then just eating dinner and sharing a DELECTABLE tiramisu. Oh my lordy the cream in the tiramisu was to die for. So yummy. I'm glad we were sharing it among the three of us because I would have eaten that whole thing by myself and felt sick afterwards. The nice thing about Tutta Bella is their pizzas are neopolitan style and the crust is super thin and low gluten...I'm sure it's not GOOD for you, but it's lighter than a normal pizza and not loaded with cheese. I left feeling fed instead of fed and bloated. Plus their napoli salad is simply amazing. I think I love it even more than the pizza. Ok, off of food now :)
Today I'm supposed to do running/poker, tomorrow I'm supposed to do bonding time with Bigs, and Thursday I have bonding time with Bec. I'm already exhausted thinking about all the people time. I'm debating on whether or not I should ditch poker today and get the rest and rejuvenation I need. I normally get that on the weekend, but, oh yea, the parents are moving to Hawaii and I was working all week. So, basically I'm tired. My body is tired, I'm not getting enough sleep, and it makes me worried for keeping in shape, running, and just overall feeling good. So, poker might have to go...ugh I hate missing things I love but I'm at a point where I'd rather say no than feel like crap...and I'm not going to say no to the girls :)
Speaking of running, I've been on a bit of hiatus, and I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go again. I definitely was not going to run in the 90 degree heat, and I'm kinda nervous about the 80 degree heat today...but I should at least go and try. I've decided to try to run the 2 miles, and if I can't do it, just start with week 6, day two (1 mile, walk 1/4 of a mile, run 1 mile) and try to work up from there. I realize that my body is doing some amazing things, but some things it's not ready for and I just gotta accept that and continue to push it but not force it...or I'll hurt myself. And I can't be so hard on myself and rigid that I feel like a failure instead of the success that I am and WILL be. I'm so stoked for this 5k and maybe I'll do the other one in October. Goals goals goals!
I can't wait to rest and relax this weekend and recharge my batteries. Summer is almost over (yay!) and I'm looking forward to my favorite season with cool air, layering(cardigans yay!), and pretty colors. Okie doke, gotta go wash my hair.
p.s. Shakira (my parent's cat that I'm keeping for the next 3 years) keeps waking me up in the early morning. I'm tempted to lock her out of my room, but the meowing might wake me up anyway. Also, I was able to wrap a normal towel (not one of those larger towels or bathsheets) around my body without any gaps..and I can see my clavicles. I love all these little signs that my life is changing significantly :)
Today I'm supposed to do running/poker, tomorrow I'm supposed to do bonding time with Bigs, and Thursday I have bonding time with Bec. I'm already exhausted thinking about all the people time. I'm debating on whether or not I should ditch poker today and get the rest and rejuvenation I need. I normally get that on the weekend, but, oh yea, the parents are moving to Hawaii and I was working all week. So, basically I'm tired. My body is tired, I'm not getting enough sleep, and it makes me worried for keeping in shape, running, and just overall feeling good. So, poker might have to go...ugh I hate missing things I love but I'm at a point where I'd rather say no than feel like crap...and I'm not going to say no to the girls :)
Speaking of running, I've been on a bit of hiatus, and I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go again. I definitely was not going to run in the 90 degree heat, and I'm kinda nervous about the 80 degree heat today...but I should at least go and try. I've decided to try to run the 2 miles, and if I can't do it, just start with week 6, day two (1 mile, walk 1/4 of a mile, run 1 mile) and try to work up from there. I realize that my body is doing some amazing things, but some things it's not ready for and I just gotta accept that and continue to push it but not force it...or I'll hurt myself. And I can't be so hard on myself and rigid that I feel like a failure instead of the success that I am and WILL be. I'm so stoked for this 5k and maybe I'll do the other one in October. Goals goals goals!
I can't wait to rest and relax this weekend and recharge my batteries. Summer is almost over (yay!) and I'm looking forward to my favorite season with cool air, layering(cardigans yay!), and pretty colors. Okie doke, gotta go wash my hair.
p.s. Shakira (my parent's cat that I'm keeping for the next 3 years) keeps waking me up in the early morning. I'm tempted to lock her out of my room, but the meowing might wake me up anyway. Also, I was able to wrap a normal towel (not one of those larger towels or bathsheets) around my body without any gaps..and I can see my clavicles. I love all these little signs that my life is changing significantly :)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Where I am vs. where I was
I've been feeling very introspective lately, and when I say lately I mean this weekend, and when I say this weekend I mean pretty much today. It's been interesting helping my parents pack up and move, and when I say interesting, I mean exhausting, hilarious, fun, and bittersweet. I can't believe they're leaving me for the beautiful beaches of Hawaii, but I'm also excited to be joining them every so often there as well.
When I look at my mindset, and where I was last year vs. this year, I'm amazed. I'm amazed at the growth, the determination, the attitude change, the new healthy lifestyle...I'm amazed at all of it. Literally a year ago I was writing about what I wanted for my job at the club and how I wanted to change lives and how I was excited about where this year was going to take me (after thinking that maybe I was going to pick up and move), and here I am with a new job, in a better position to impact and love and change lives. God is so good.
I'm amazed at not only what I've learned, but also how I've taken what I've learned and DONE something with it. I've learned that I'm stronger that I thought I was. I've learned that I'm not a quitter. I've learned that fear is not something that has to live in me, and in fact that I hold it's eviction notice in my hand . I've learned that I'm a runner. I've learned that I have more support than I ever could have imagined. I've learned that I love my family more than words can say and that I have, quite possibly, the best family in the world. No joke. I've relearned my love of reading. I've learned that I'm a pretty damn good poker player. I've learned that I like to take risks. I've learned that my primary love language is TIME and that spending time with the people I love is more important to me than hugs, kind words, cleaning my dishes, or gifts. Oh man I've learned so much--I could fill a page...but the most important things I've learned, are that I love myself, I love the life I have been given, and I want to LIVE my life in the way it was meant to be lived.
So far, this "year of me" has taught me how I've undervalued, and underestimated myself, and I will never do that again. I will never fail to try because I think I can't do it ever again. I will never let other people make decisions about who I should be or what I want. Eesh I'm so proud and at peace but I'm also nervous and anticipatory. I have accomplished so much, and I KNOW I can do more. I can't stop now, and I will "have life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."
So here's to life, and where it takes us. I wrote this almost a year ago, and I think it's appropriate to quote now:
Life as of now is never how (I) would have expected it. But it's good, and it's exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Thank you Jesus, for all that you've done.
When I look at my mindset, and where I was last year vs. this year, I'm amazed. I'm amazed at the growth, the determination, the attitude change, the new healthy lifestyle...I'm amazed at all of it. Literally a year ago I was writing about what I wanted for my job at the club and how I wanted to change lives and how I was excited about where this year was going to take me (after thinking that maybe I was going to pick up and move), and here I am with a new job, in a better position to impact and love and change lives. God is so good.
I'm amazed at not only what I've learned, but also how I've taken what I've learned and DONE something with it. I've learned that I'm stronger that I thought I was. I've learned that I'm not a quitter. I've learned that fear is not something that has to live in me, and in fact that I hold it's eviction notice in my hand . I've learned that I'm a runner. I've learned that I have more support than I ever could have imagined. I've learned that I love my family more than words can say and that I have, quite possibly, the best family in the world. No joke. I've relearned my love of reading. I've learned that I'm a pretty damn good poker player. I've learned that I like to take risks. I've learned that my primary love language is TIME and that spending time with the people I love is more important to me than hugs, kind words, cleaning my dishes, or gifts. Oh man I've learned so much--I could fill a page...but the most important things I've learned, are that I love myself, I love the life I have been given, and I want to LIVE my life in the way it was meant to be lived.
So far, this "year of me" has taught me how I've undervalued, and underestimated myself, and I will never do that again. I will never fail to try because I think I can't do it ever again. I will never let other people make decisions about who I should be or what I want. Eesh I'm so proud and at peace but I'm also nervous and anticipatory. I have accomplished so much, and I KNOW I can do more. I can't stop now, and I will "have life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."
So here's to life, and where it takes us. I wrote this almost a year ago, and I think it's appropriate to quote now:
Life as of now is never how (I) would have expected it. But it's good, and it's exceeded my expectations in so many ways. Thank you Jesus, for all that you've done.
Monday, August 9, 2010
success/fail
So, I attempted week 5 day 3 with hopes of having amazing endurance and running two whole miles. Well, it didn't happen. I was disappointed, but I knew that I really did run as far as I could, and that I didn't stop because I was being negative. I am so proud because I ran a whole mile without stopping. Then, I walked 1/8 of a mile, ran 1/2 a mile, walked 1/8 of a mile, and ran the last 1/2 mile. So I'm almost there. I still need a little break in between....but fuck yea I ran a mile. And I completed two miles so...yea. Then my workout buddies came over, and I made a yummy nutritious dinner, and we played a card game. It was a GOOD day.
argh/eh
I don't know why I'm bitter about this, but I weighed myself on MY scale just now, and I weighed 216.4...and it's night...after I've eaten. This is why I don't like doing my weigh ins on other scales...However, I'm glad I'm down more than I thought...and I put on these knee high socks that didn't fit in June--because I have large calves (thanks mom)--and they fit! Yay for non-scale victories :) And this also means that my goal of getting into the single digits is closer than I thought. Ok, maybe I'm not so bitter anymore!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
weigh in
Weighed in today. Lost .5 of a pound. I wanna be discouraged, but I'm actually ok with this. I went camping for 3 days this week and I brought healthy snacks...but I did eat some unhealthy stuff too (damn smores) so I'm ok with the half a pound. I'm so proud of all I've accomplished, and all of the non weight loss victories that I'm having.
But guess what? I'm back at 29.1 lbs lost...so I'm almost to my 30 mark :) And.....I think if I continue to work hard, I can definitely get out of the teens by my goal date. My original goal was to be out of the 200s, but I just don't know if I can loste 18 lbs in 3.5-4 weeks. In fact, that would be like 5 lbs per week so I'm just gonna say no :) But, I'm pretty sure I can lose 8 lbs in the next 3.5-4 weeks. And I'm looking forward to that moment :)
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
But guess what? I'm back at 29.1 lbs lost...so I'm almost to my 30 mark :) And.....I think if I continue to work hard, I can definitely get out of the teens by my goal date. My original goal was to be out of the 200s, but I just don't know if I can loste 18 lbs in 3.5-4 weeks. In fact, that would be like 5 lbs per week so I'm just gonna say no :) But, I'm pretty sure I can lose 8 lbs in the next 3.5-4 weeks. And I'm looking forward to that moment :)
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
Aug 1st (20th WI) 2.6 lost, 218
Aug 8th (21st WI) .5 lost, 217.5
Life in every word...
I really can't get over how amazing I've been feeling lately. This week myself and several other staff took some kids camping and to waterslides. I had several "yay" moments.
1. Packing fruits and veggies as an alternative to unhealthy snacks.
2. Getting up early before the campers woke up to do my run--and completing it!
3. Wearing my bathing suit (and getting compliments on it) and showing my arms without shame.
4. Playing ultimate frisbee with the kids and not being winded
5. Challenging the kids to running laps and completing 20 of them (they totally kicked my bum and did 50. 50!!! Where do they get the energy?!?!)
6. The kids telling me I was athletic and wanting me on THEIR team.
I felt...so amazing after this trip. I'm breaking through who I allowed myself to be and becoming who I'm supposed to be. God is good eh?
Other awesomeness? I completed Week 5, day 2 of C25k...and I'm not feeling so nervous about running 2 miles. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a bit nervous, but not nearly as dumbfounded and doubtful as I was last week :) Oh yea, and I found a kindred spirit who wants to experience Vegas in the same way that I want to--a little gambling, a couple of shows, checking out fun sites, a little shopping, and a lot of relaxing with yummy drinks in my hand. Now let's hope with her new job she can get the time off :) I'm even excited to start the new school year and create an even more amazing program for our kiddos this year. Oh yea, and I'm narrowing down my thoughts on graduate school...eeeeeee :)
Life is good.
1. Packing fruits and veggies as an alternative to unhealthy snacks.
2. Getting up early before the campers woke up to do my run--and completing it!
3. Wearing my bathing suit (and getting compliments on it) and showing my arms without shame.
4. Playing ultimate frisbee with the kids and not being winded
5. Challenging the kids to running laps and completing 20 of them (they totally kicked my bum and did 50. 50!!! Where do they get the energy?!?!)
6. The kids telling me I was athletic and wanting me on THEIR team.
I felt...so amazing after this trip. I'm breaking through who I allowed myself to be and becoming who I'm supposed to be. God is good eh?
Other awesomeness? I completed Week 5, day 2 of C25k...and I'm not feeling so nervous about running 2 miles. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a bit nervous, but not nearly as dumbfounded and doubtful as I was last week :) Oh yea, and I found a kindred spirit who wants to experience Vegas in the same way that I want to--a little gambling, a couple of shows, checking out fun sites, a little shopping, and a lot of relaxing with yummy drinks in my hand. Now let's hope with her new job she can get the time off :) I'm even excited to start the new school year and create an even more amazing program for our kiddos this year. Oh yea, and I'm narrowing down my thoughts on graduate school...eeeeeee :)
Life is good.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
"you're just an attractive female."
So, this isn't a healthy lifestyle post, but I'm guessing it's associated with my new healthy lifestyle, plus I think it's funny, awkward, and least of all mildly flattering, so I had to post. I've been hit on with abandon for the past two weeks. And when I say abandon, I mean I've had 4 guys come up to me and ask me if I either 1)have a boyfriend, 2) am married or 3) are single, and then commence to give me their number, card, or ask for my number. Now some are better than most--at the jazz show the guy was really cool and it didn't super feel like the guy was hitting on me...in fact I was questioning it until my coworker (his friend) told me he saw me coming in and really liked me which was why he came over to chat. Go figure. He was nice, but I'm not interested.
This last guy who hit on me, followed me into the self checkout line (he didn't have any groceries) and asked me the first two questions, and then told me "I'm sorry, you're just a really beautiful, I'm really attracted to you." I'm checking out and minding my own business and I just say thanks and continue while he walks out. When I get out, he is waiting(!) and then continues to ask me questions such as my name, if I live in the area, and then as I'm walking tells me his name (Vaughn) and how he is new to the area. Then he continues to tell me about my attractiveness and asks if he can give me his number. Now let me tell you, I much rather prefer a guy give me his number. Ok, wait, I'd much rather prefer a guy I'm not attracted to give me his number. Cause I don't like the phone calls, the texts, etc. I'd rather take his number, smile, and then never call him. Which I know sounds mean, but, I just am not into random men having my number--unless my contact with you has been more than an awkward conversation in a supermarket/parking lot.
Anyway, I've gotten hit on many times before, and I've always thought of myself as attractive, but I've been steadily getting hit on more and more as I've started being healthier. I don't know if it's a confidence/air about me, looking slimmer/more in shape, or whatever, but if 2 times a week plus (not counting men honking or yelling out the window I hate that) is the new pattern, here's to hoping that there's a guy who I'd want to give MY number to in the future ;)
This last guy who hit on me, followed me into the self checkout line (he didn't have any groceries) and asked me the first two questions, and then told me "I'm sorry, you're just a really beautiful, I'm really attracted to you." I'm checking out and minding my own business and I just say thanks and continue while he walks out. When I get out, he is waiting(!) and then continues to ask me questions such as my name, if I live in the area, and then as I'm walking tells me his name (Vaughn) and how he is new to the area. Then he continues to tell me about my attractiveness and asks if he can give me his number. Now let me tell you, I much rather prefer a guy give me his number. Ok, wait, I'd much rather prefer a guy I'm not attracted to give me his number. Cause I don't like the phone calls, the texts, etc. I'd rather take his number, smile, and then never call him. Which I know sounds mean, but, I just am not into random men having my number--unless my contact with you has been more than an awkward conversation in a supermarket/parking lot.
Anyway, I've gotten hit on many times before, and I've always thought of myself as attractive, but I've been steadily getting hit on more and more as I've started being healthier. I don't know if it's a confidence/air about me, looking slimmer/more in shape, or whatever, but if 2 times a week plus (not counting men honking or yelling out the window I hate that) is the new pattern, here's to hoping that there's a guy who I'd want to give MY number to in the future ;)
Monday, August 2, 2010
30 day shred...for real
Ok, I've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred (workout 1 only) off and on for the past couple of months. It's usually that or DDR that I do in between running days. Little did I know that I've been cheating, doing the weenie version. You see, I've been using 2 lb weights, cause that's all I had. And it was pretty hard with 2 lb weights--but I never felt like the strength training with the weight lifting was that strenuous. It was hard to do the combo exercises (lunges with the weights) but most of the stress and feeling of "working out" was coming on the lower body side--not the arms.
Well today, I brought the dvd to my parent's because I want to make sure I keep up with working out. All my mom had was 5 lb weights, and as soon as I picked them up, I knew I was in trouble. Now, here I am, my arms are sore, and I'm thinking "what the heck, that was SUPER hard." The same exercises--the rows, the lunges, the side lunges while raising your arms--kicked my ass literally. I couldn't even FINISH the side lunges while raising my arms. They felt like noodles. Wow, I didn't even know what I was missing. I'm actually excited because I really want to work on my arms, and now that I actually did 30 day shred for real, they're going to get some definition for sure. :)
Well today, I brought the dvd to my parent's because I want to make sure I keep up with working out. All my mom had was 5 lb weights, and as soon as I picked them up, I knew I was in trouble. Now, here I am, my arms are sore, and I'm thinking "what the heck, that was SUPER hard." The same exercises--the rows, the lunges, the side lunges while raising your arms--kicked my ass literally. I couldn't even FINISH the side lunges while raising my arms. They felt like noodles. Wow, I didn't even know what I was missing. I'm actually excited because I really want to work on my arms, and now that I actually did 30 day shred for real, they're going to get some definition for sure. :)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
weigh in!
So, I weighed in on a different scale, and officially started my TOM 4 days early (I think it's the running/new exercise schedule), but I weighed in at 218 yesterday. So, still 1.5 lbs down this week! I'm sorta disappointed b/c I kept weighing in at 217 and below all week, but I figure it'll be even lower next week when TOM is over (hopefully) :). Yay!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I did it!
- Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) DONE!!
- Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) DONE!!
- Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) DONE!!
- Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) DONE!!
- Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) DONE!!
- Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) DONE!!
- Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
No more deprivation
I worked out this morning to DDR and burned 672 calories! Woooooo. I LOVE being able to see how many calories I've burned. It makes me less likely to eat a 200+ calorie cookie/candy/whatever because I know how hard I worked out to burn those calories. It also makes me feel like I've accomplished something great. I have a goal of burning 2000 calories a week, and it makes me feel good to reach those goals.
Today the book talked about deprivation--feeling deprived at a party where everyone else is eating cake and you're sipping on coffee. It talks about sneaking back and eating three pieces of cake when everyone is gone. I think that at this stage, everyone should be aware that two bites of cake, or a tiny piece, is not going to ruin your diet. I mean, even the book talks about in previous chapters about "the first two bites." However, if you've gotten all your calories, or even one bite of cake will send you over the edge, the book has some good advice.
It advises you to think about things you deprive yourself of in life--you deprive yourself of shopping and going to the beach everyday because you want the benefits of working, ie a paycheck. You deprive yourself of dating other people because you want the benefits of a happy, healthy marriage. If that doesn't work, it tells you to think about what you weight is depriving you of. Is you weight depriving you of doing the things you want to do? Riding on an airplane? Going to theme parks? Wearing a bathing suit? Think on those things, and be happy with the choices you've made. One of my favorite things to say (although probably not completely true) is "A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips." Are you willing to let that one minute of tasty pleasure add more weight to your body? If not--just say no :)
Today the book talked about deprivation--feeling deprived at a party where everyone else is eating cake and you're sipping on coffee. It talks about sneaking back and eating three pieces of cake when everyone is gone. I think that at this stage, everyone should be aware that two bites of cake, or a tiny piece, is not going to ruin your diet. I mean, even the book talks about in previous chapters about "the first two bites." However, if you've gotten all your calories, or even one bite of cake will send you over the edge, the book has some good advice.
It advises you to think about things you deprive yourself of in life--you deprive yourself of shopping and going to the beach everyday because you want the benefits of working, ie a paycheck. You deprive yourself of dating other people because you want the benefits of a happy, healthy marriage. If that doesn't work, it tells you to think about what you weight is depriving you of. Is you weight depriving you of doing the things you want to do? Riding on an airplane? Going to theme parks? Wearing a bathing suit? Think on those things, and be happy with the choices you've made. One of my favorite things to say (although probably not completely true) is "A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips." Are you willing to let that one minute of tasty pleasure add more weight to your body? If not--just say no :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
I did it!!!!!!!!
I ran 2 whole laps without stopping! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm soooooo excited. It was 80 degrees, hardly any shade, and I did it. I can't believe it I'm so proud of myself.
Here was what I needed to do for Week 4, day 1:
Here was what I needed to do for Week 4, day 1:
- Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)--DONE
- Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)--DONE
- Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)--DONE EEEEE!
- Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes)-- DONE
- Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)--DONE
- Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)--DONE
- Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)--Not quite but did 1/8th of a mile
last straw eating
Oh me oh my I weighed myself this morning and I'm lower than I was yesterday :) I have this terrible habit of weighing myself everyday, multiple times a day--before I pee, after I pee, right in the morning, when I get home from a run, randomly after I eat a big meal--it's kind of an obsession. The good news is is that the scale doesn't make me wanna quit if I see a number I want to see...it makes me all the more determined to beat it! It makes me even more determined when I see lower numbers...I get addicted to the weight loss and the progress. I guess it could be called an addiction to success?
At some levels, I know what I'm capable of. I know I can successfully track calories, eat healthy, do a workout, eat breakfast, drink enough water, etc. I know that I can see progress on the scale because I've seen it before and I know what it takes. On other levels, I'm just beginning to realize what my body is capable of--it's can run longer than I thought, it can push itself to limits it's never achieved before, it can walk up steep (awful) hills in the heat, it can do girl pushups (and one day will do REAL pushups). It can do a lot, I just have to tell myself that I can do it. I can't have a defeatist attitude and assume that just because I haven't done it before means I can't do it. I mean, I never ran a lap before in my life, and last week I did it. I've never run two laps in a row before in my life...but I won't know if my body is capable unless I try. And if it's not ready yet, it will be soon...because I'll keep pushing until I get there.
Today the book talked about last straw eating, which just basically connected with the whole "chain events" type of thing. You know sometimes, the book really resonates with me, and other times, I'm just like "meh." This next set of chapters seems like it's gonna be on the "meh" side. Ah well. I'm gonna finish this damn book even if I die of boredom :)
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Col. 3:12-14
It's funny as I was writing this, I was wondering how many people think of Christians when they think of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love. Because so many "christians" that I've come in contact with have been anything BUT this. I've encountered angry, picketing Christians. I've encountered self righteous, "I have all the answers and you better listen to me" Christians. I'm met many Christians who have held a grudge, tightly, and with bitterness. And I've met Christians who will look at someone who is less fortunate than them and ignore, even scoff at the poverty.
I've definitely met some loving Christians too...but sometimes it's hard to recognize the good when the loudest most outrageous ones are in your face all the time. Sigh. I know that I've been impatient, unloving, proud, and unforgiving at many points in my life. There aren't perfect people, and I count myself among that special group of people who falters everyday. I do hope, desire, and aspire to be someday espouse those qualities. Ask and you'll receive right?
At some levels, I know what I'm capable of. I know I can successfully track calories, eat healthy, do a workout, eat breakfast, drink enough water, etc. I know that I can see progress on the scale because I've seen it before and I know what it takes. On other levels, I'm just beginning to realize what my body is capable of--it's can run longer than I thought, it can push itself to limits it's never achieved before, it can walk up steep (awful) hills in the heat, it can do girl pushups (and one day will do REAL pushups). It can do a lot, I just have to tell myself that I can do it. I can't have a defeatist attitude and assume that just because I haven't done it before means I can't do it. I mean, I never ran a lap before in my life, and last week I did it. I've never run two laps in a row before in my life...but I won't know if my body is capable unless I try. And if it's not ready yet, it will be soon...because I'll keep pushing until I get there.
Today the book talked about last straw eating, which just basically connected with the whole "chain events" type of thing. You know sometimes, the book really resonates with me, and other times, I'm just like "meh." This next set of chapters seems like it's gonna be on the "meh" side. Ah well. I'm gonna finish this damn book even if I die of boredom :)
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Col. 3:12-14
It's funny as I was writing this, I was wondering how many people think of Christians when they think of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love. Because so many "christians" that I've come in contact with have been anything BUT this. I've encountered angry, picketing Christians. I've encountered self righteous, "I have all the answers and you better listen to me" Christians. I'm met many Christians who have held a grudge, tightly, and with bitterness. And I've met Christians who will look at someone who is less fortunate than them and ignore, even scoff at the poverty.
I've definitely met some loving Christians too...but sometimes it's hard to recognize the good when the loudest most outrageous ones are in your face all the time. Sigh. I know that I've been impatient, unloving, proud, and unforgiving at many points in my life. There aren't perfect people, and I count myself among that special group of people who falters everyday. I do hope, desire, and aspire to be someday espouse those qualities. Ask and you'll receive right?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
speaking of that brave new me...
You know I'm really proud of myself. I'm reaching a lot of goals and I'm reaching out past my comfort zones--especially when it comes to meeting new people. If you know me, you know I feel awkward with new people unless I'm in my "comfort" zone. This can mean several things--it could mean that I'm in my own house/parent's house. It could mean that we're doing an activity that I'm good at or excited about. It could mean that we're talking about a subject that I'm knowledgeable or comfortable with. It could mean that I'm with people that I know and can therefore be myself with. It's usually one of those things, although there's probably more. But this year, I did and am doing things that have been completely out of my comfort zone.
1. Joined a small group.
This was with my bff so there was safety there, but it still made me feel SUPER nervous. I still laugh when I remember us driving up to the pub to "hang out" afterwards and then walking quickly away when we saw there was nobody we knew and no seats available haha. But we did join the small group, and that was a big step.
2. Formed a game night.
This is something that I'm still developing and working on--with peoples schedules and such we don't get together as often as I'd like, but whenever we do, it's a blast. I've met several new people that I've enjoyed getting to know, and we're scheduling a new game night as I type. So, it's still going. Craigslist is useful for so many things...
3. Joined a book club
This, is something that I'm doing completely on my own. I don't have any friends who are doing it with me...which in the first two cases I had people I knew there. Our first meeting is Aug 2nd (I missed the org meeting because of that damn stomach flu), but I've already felt the benefit from it because of the recommended book--I loved it. I'm so excited (and nervous) to meet these girls and hopefully connect on an intellectual level :)
4. Joined a poker night
I just recently did this today, and I'm super nervous and excited for this as well. I play poker with a good friend and his buddies all the time, but it's so inconsistent and I really wanted to find a more stable game. Whelp, I found one right here in Wallingford that meets every Tuesday. The guy I talked to said it's mostly men, but that there are some girls who are apart of the group. Hopefully it won't be too awkward--but if it is, I can just stop going. I definitely want to try it though...plus I love poker.
I'm really proud that I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort zones, and making an effort to get to know new people and tap into activities I love. One thing, that I've realized as I've done this, is that the game groups, the book groups, etc. are not a substitution for that group of believers who share the same faith as me. I still want to find a group of people that I meld well with and grow close to. I can't remember that last time I talked about my faith with someone (well, ok yes I can but not in a mutually edifying sort of way, it was more in an, answering questions about my faith and what I believed sort of way), and I miss that challenging, life affirming connection with people.
So, I'm making it a goal to make it to church on Sundays...this Sunday will be my parents church as I'm going home for the weekend but next Sunday I think I'm going to make an effort to go to Bethany again. They're introducing new "community groups" where you get together and do activities...trying to rectify the fact that you can go there for a year and still not be connected to the church--which has been my experience in the past. Anyway, it's just another learned lesson for me--if I don't go for it, try it, do something about it...nothing will happen. So I'm going for it. I'm going to be fearless.
1. Joined a small group.
This was with my bff so there was safety there, but it still made me feel SUPER nervous. I still laugh when I remember us driving up to the pub to "hang out" afterwards and then walking quickly away when we saw there was nobody we knew and no seats available haha. But we did join the small group, and that was a big step.
2. Formed a game night.
This is something that I'm still developing and working on--with peoples schedules and such we don't get together as often as I'd like, but whenever we do, it's a blast. I've met several new people that I've enjoyed getting to know, and we're scheduling a new game night as I type. So, it's still going. Craigslist is useful for so many things...
3. Joined a book club
This, is something that I'm doing completely on my own. I don't have any friends who are doing it with me...which in the first two cases I had people I knew there. Our first meeting is Aug 2nd (I missed the org meeting because of that damn stomach flu), but I've already felt the benefit from it because of the recommended book--I loved it. I'm so excited (and nervous) to meet these girls and hopefully connect on an intellectual level :)
4. Joined a poker night
I just recently did this today, and I'm super nervous and excited for this as well. I play poker with a good friend and his buddies all the time, but it's so inconsistent and I really wanted to find a more stable game. Whelp, I found one right here in Wallingford that meets every Tuesday. The guy I talked to said it's mostly men, but that there are some girls who are apart of the group. Hopefully it won't be too awkward--but if it is, I can just stop going. I definitely want to try it though...plus I love poker.
I'm really proud that I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort zones, and making an effort to get to know new people and tap into activities I love. One thing, that I've realized as I've done this, is that the game groups, the book groups, etc. are not a substitution for that group of believers who share the same faith as me. I still want to find a group of people that I meld well with and grow close to. I can't remember that last time I talked about my faith with someone (well, ok yes I can but not in a mutually edifying sort of way, it was more in an, answering questions about my faith and what I believed sort of way), and I miss that challenging, life affirming connection with people.
So, I'm making it a goal to make it to church on Sundays...this Sunday will be my parents church as I'm going home for the weekend but next Sunday I think I'm going to make an effort to go to Bethany again. They're introducing new "community groups" where you get together and do activities...trying to rectify the fact that you can go there for a year and still not be connected to the church--which has been my experience in the past. Anyway, it's just another learned lesson for me--if I don't go for it, try it, do something about it...nothing will happen. So I'm going for it. I'm going to be fearless.
holy moly!
Yesterday we celebrated a friend's wedding. I got pretty tipsy, had a lot of fun, but whenever I have too much to drink I get tired...which then, if I'm not DOING something, makes me grumpy AND tired. Had a great time though. The wedding was a really good time. I just realized that tomorrow is the start of Week 4 for C25k and...I have to run 2 laps in a row. Ah! I am out of breath and gasping with one lap...I can't imagine running two. I'm nervous, but I think...I can do it? I guess I just need to make sure I drink loads of water tomorrow cause it's going to be 80 degrees...eesh. Well, I won't know until I try I guess...and fretting about it today isn't going to make it any easier. I was thinking about doing some DDR, but I'm going to let my body just rest today. Plus I gotta clean THE apartments so I'll get enough of a workout sweeping, mopping, and hauling a vacuum up and down the stairs. Oh yea and I'm playing tennis with the BFF today too :) Alrighty, gotta get to work before I talk myself out of it :)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
weigh innnnnnnnnn
I was not looking forward to weighing myself in today. Especially when I wake up and don't feel hungry. I always take that as a sign that I ate too much the day before. Don't know if that's true or not but I was nervous. I finally pulled myself out of bed...dragging my feet...noticing that even though I ran yesterday my muscles didn't feel sore (score!)...and plopped myself on my scale. Waiting...and then came the number. 219.6. I lost those stubborn 2-3 lbs that I've been struggling with for the past couple of weeks!!! I'm not counting last week's weigh in, because it was after not eating for 4 days and losing a bunch a water weight. My weight went right back up to 222 after 4 days. So, here are the stats from the beginning of the year to now:
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
I'm officially DONE being in the 220s for good this time. I'm done struggling with 222! I'm so happy I'm back in the 210s...and I don't plan on staying there very long. I'm so proud of myself!
Jan 4th (start day) 246.6
Jan 11th (1st WI) 7.2 lost, 239.4
Jan 18th (2nd WI)2 lost, 237.4
Jan 25th (3rd WI) 1 lost, 236.4
Feb 1st (4th WI) 3.2 lost, 233.2
Feb 8th (5th WI) 4 lost, 229.2
Feb 15th (6th WI) 1 lost, 228.2
Feb 22nd (7th WI) 1.8 lost, 226.4
Mar 1st (8th WI) 5 lost, 221.4
Mar 8th (9th WI) missed...still 221.4
Mar 15th (10th WI) 4 lost, 217.4
Mar 22nd (11th WI) 3.4 gained, 220.8
Mar 29th (12th WI) 1.2 gained, 222
April 5th (13 WI) 2.4 lost, 219.6
April 12th (14th WI) .2 gained, 219.8
April 26th (15th WI) .2 gained, 220
(Fell of the wagon a bit...)
June 28th (16th WI) 2 gained, 222
July 6th (17th WI) .4 lost, 221.6
July 12th (18th WI) skipped
July 24th (19th WI) 2 lost, 219.6
I'm officially DONE being in the 220s for good this time. I'm done struggling with 222! I'm so happy I'm back in the 210s...and I don't plan on staying there very long. I'm so proud of myself!
Friday, July 23, 2010
WoOoO!
I finished week 3 of c25k. I'm super stoked that I'm keeping with this. I had a carnival day with the kids and I was expecting to be tired and not want to go. I was a bit tired, but I decided that since I packed my stuff I might as well go and then I wouldn't have to haul myself out of my apartment to go running tomorrow. It felt really good to complete it, although I was pretty wheezy near the end. I didn't push myself to go further than usual today--on Wednesday we were out there for 1.5 hours--it was way too hot and I think I was just...tired from all the goings on. But I completed it. I did it by myself-I am proud of my dedication and hard work! Tomorrow is my new weigh in day (eesh!) but I just weighed myself after I got home from work, and I was already down on the scale. Here's hoping it'll last tonight and more will come off before tomorrow morning :)
I've been feeling really good--I've been noticing more endurance, and more muscles forming. I hit my calf today and it didn't jiggle like it normally does. My shirts and pants are feeling looser, and although I haven't seen too much budging on the scale, I know I'm gaining more muscle :) I love the new friends that I'm making and new workout buddies that I have, but sometimes I wish that I had my close friends supporting me and doing this with me. I dunno, there's just something about being with someone you know that takes the pressure off and helps you to just...go. I mean with Alisha, she's like my coach, a personal trainer...she pushes me--but I know I'm holding her back. She can definitely run longer than I can :) I'm thankful that she's willing to run with me, and she's totally cool--so encouraging, so amazing, I love running with her. Sometimes though, I'd like to not be the only one breathing hard with a purple face at the end haha. Anyway! I just gotta work with what I got. Sparkpeople has been an amazing resource for me for not only tracking/fitness but also for community and encouragement. I'm gonna keep going no matter what. Thanks to all those people who have stuck with me, and lent words of encouragement. I'm glad to have you all by my side :)
I've been feeling really good--I've been noticing more endurance, and more muscles forming. I hit my calf today and it didn't jiggle like it normally does. My shirts and pants are feeling looser, and although I haven't seen too much budging on the scale, I know I'm gaining more muscle :) I love the new friends that I'm making and new workout buddies that I have, but sometimes I wish that I had my close friends supporting me and doing this with me. I dunno, there's just something about being with someone you know that takes the pressure off and helps you to just...go. I mean with Alisha, she's like my coach, a personal trainer...she pushes me--but I know I'm holding her back. She can definitely run longer than I can :) I'm thankful that she's willing to run with me, and she's totally cool--so encouraging, so amazing, I love running with her. Sometimes though, I'd like to not be the only one breathing hard with a purple face at the end haha. Anyway! I just gotta work with what I got. Sparkpeople has been an amazing resource for me for not only tracking/fitness but also for community and encouragement. I'm gonna keep going no matter what. Thanks to all those people who have stuck with me, and lent words of encouragement. I'm glad to have you all by my side :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Unhook the chains
Let me tell ya--my body is SOOOOORREEEE and tired today. Now that I really think about it...mostly tired. The 8 hours of sleep I got last night didn't feel like 8 hours when my alarm went off. Maybe I still need to catch up on sleep. I'm still gonna work out this morning though--gotta stay dedicated right?
Today the book talked about finding and breaking the link to emotional eating. It talks about reaching for a piece of candy at one minute, then later in the day eating some cookies because you're frustrated about the fact that you ate those damn candies...and before you know it you've drowned yourself in food. "Struggles with emotional eating rarely happen in isolation. If your finances are already stretched, the broken washing machine adds another simply adds another layer to your anxiety." 178 The author encourages you to start figuring out what led to the first instance of emotional eating. Was it because you were upset with your boss? Was it because you got too hungry? She encourages you to find the source, so you can set up solutions and ways to avoid and handle the desire to eat out of emotions the next time.
On a completely different topic--I need to start tracking my calories and making sure there's diversity in my diet more--mainly the tracking my calories. I think that I'm either snacking too much, or I'm not eating enough calories for the amount of time I'm working out. Whatever it is, I know I'll pinpoint it with the tracking of the calories. I'm eating waaaaaaay healthier these days, and I'm really happy about that. :)
Okie dokie, time to work out...
Today the book talked about finding and breaking the link to emotional eating. It talks about reaching for a piece of candy at one minute, then later in the day eating some cookies because you're frustrated about the fact that you ate those damn candies...and before you know it you've drowned yourself in food. "Struggles with emotional eating rarely happen in isolation. If your finances are already stretched, the broken washing machine adds another simply adds another layer to your anxiety." 178 The author encourages you to start figuring out what led to the first instance of emotional eating. Was it because you were upset with your boss? Was it because you got too hungry? She encourages you to find the source, so you can set up solutions and ways to avoid and handle the desire to eat out of emotions the next time.
On a completely different topic--I need to start tracking my calories and making sure there's diversity in my diet more--mainly the tracking my calories. I think that I'm either snacking too much, or I'm not eating enough calories for the amount of time I'm working out. Whatever it is, I know I'll pinpoint it with the tracking of the calories. I'm eating waaaaaaay healthier these days, and I'm really happy about that. :)
Okie dokie, time to work out...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
mmmmmmmm running
Had an amazing running workout once again with alisha. She's always pushing me to do more than I think I can and I get such a high when I actually do it. I think I push myself...when I tell her what I did she's like "ok, let's do more..." and I always whine a little but it's nice to have her running with me--she makes me feel like a runner and she's always giving me advice. I love that girl! I think starting in 2 weeks we're going to start running greenlake...eek! I'm nervous but excited. We ran for 1.5 hours today. my body is sore but loving it :) Ok, I've been going to bed way too late and not getting enough sleep so I'm heading off now. Here's to waking up early and working out in the morning!
Monday, July 19, 2010
week 3 day 1 down!
I completed week 3 day 1--and I did more than I was supposed to which...is exciting! I was going to go by time, but I think distance is better for me because I can run 400 yards faster than 3 minutes. I decided that I wasn't going to go by the music, instead I was just going to try to run as much as possible--so I ran once around the track, walked a little more than halfway around, ran again around the track, walked, and then ran off and on around the track for 2 more laps, and then all the way back to the club. I was hoping that 400 yards would be 1 loop around the track and lo and behold it is! So, I've realized 2 valuable things--I can run faster than I thought, and I can do this--I'm doing it! So excited. I love this brave new me :)
Get a new title
I'm on day 80 of this book. I've only been reading it since January--guess you might say I took a little break :) I'm feeling weird this morning...I want to use the word ominous but that just makes me feel a little fearful. I don't know what it is, but I'm damn ready to shake it off and have a good day. There's so much to get done and all I want to do is stay home and read :) The feeling could also be the book I'm reading...it's really good, but it's about the civil rights era and some of the terrible things that happen to people during that time just makes my stomach turn. I think I might just be waiting for the next bad thing to happen...plus I think I've been getting anxious dreams from the books I've been reading too. Anyway, I'm going to stop focusing on that and finish up this blog.
Today the book talked about changing your name. Many people call themselves fat, lazy, slob, and pig, and I don't know about you, but usually negative feedback does not motivate me--especially from myself. If I get on the scale and it hasn't moved and I say "ugh, you're such a failure" it makes it harder for me during the day--not easier. The book suggests you come up with a different name for yourself that "describes you without referring to weight or size." 175 I was trying to think of things like "fit, healthy, strong" etc., but I think I've found one...only because it made me want to cry a little. My new descriptor is "brave."
For so long I've lived a life of fear in regards to so many things. I've failed to attempt out of fear, and I've been unwilling to give things a chance because of fear. One of the areas that I was afraid of was being healthy. I thought to myself "what if I don't lose weight?" "What if I still look bad even when I do lose weight?" What if this, and what if that. There seems to be doubt lurking around every corner, but I finally did it. I finally stood up to fear this past January and said "no." I guess I decided that for one of the first times in my life, I was going to be brave for me. I was going to stand up for me. I was going to love...me. And as I've come halfway through this journey with some failures and many more successes, I'm going to be brave and continue to fight for me.
This is my life, and I'm unwilling to let it wither and die in an unhappy state because I'm afraid. I'm going to be brave. I have been brave, and I'm going to continue to be brave for as long as I can breathe.
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14
Why bravery? Because I have someone who backs me and loves me unconditionally. Because I have a rescuer, who despite my faults and failings, still loves me. And not only does he love me, he cares about the details of my life. He helps me battle over disappointment on the scale, he gives me self control and strengthens me when I want to buy and gobble down sugary sweets. He cares. And not just in the over reaching, vague kind of way. He cares intimately about every detail of my life. He rejoices in my victories and he stands with me in my sorrows. And he's saved me from darkness and despair when I couldn't pull myself out of it. How can I not be brave when I have a friend like that? God is good.
Today the book talked about changing your name. Many people call themselves fat, lazy, slob, and pig, and I don't know about you, but usually negative feedback does not motivate me--especially from myself. If I get on the scale and it hasn't moved and I say "ugh, you're such a failure" it makes it harder for me during the day--not easier. The book suggests you come up with a different name for yourself that "describes you without referring to weight or size." 175 I was trying to think of things like "fit, healthy, strong" etc., but I think I've found one...only because it made me want to cry a little. My new descriptor is "brave."
For so long I've lived a life of fear in regards to so many things. I've failed to attempt out of fear, and I've been unwilling to give things a chance because of fear. One of the areas that I was afraid of was being healthy. I thought to myself "what if I don't lose weight?" "What if I still look bad even when I do lose weight?" What if this, and what if that. There seems to be doubt lurking around every corner, but I finally did it. I finally stood up to fear this past January and said "no." I guess I decided that for one of the first times in my life, I was going to be brave for me. I was going to stand up for me. I was going to love...me. And as I've come halfway through this journey with some failures and many more successes, I'm going to be brave and continue to fight for me.
This is my life, and I'm unwilling to let it wither and die in an unhappy state because I'm afraid. I'm going to be brave. I have been brave, and I'm going to continue to be brave for as long as I can breathe.
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14
Why bravery? Because I have someone who backs me and loves me unconditionally. Because I have a rescuer, who despite my faults and failings, still loves me. And not only does he love me, he cares about the details of my life. He helps me battle over disappointment on the scale, he gives me self control and strengthens me when I want to buy and gobble down sugary sweets. He cares. And not just in the over reaching, vague kind of way. He cares intimately about every detail of my life. He rejoices in my victories and he stands with me in my sorrows. And he's saved me from darkness and despair when I couldn't pull myself out of it. How can I not be brave when I have a friend like that? God is good.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Goals, goals, and more goals
I'm sitting here in my newly redesigned and cleaned living room, and I'm thinking that life, is good. I mean, it's really good. I've having a great summer, my credit score is well in the 700s (just found that out a couple of days ago and I'm still excited :)), I'm meeting new people, and reconnecting with lost friends, I'm planning travel, and I'm relaxing. I dunno, it's just been really good. I'm steadily cutting drama out of my life and giving negative, down people less time. I'm taking a lot of time for me, and I think I've found a good balance.
The only thing missing to be honest--is a firm, trusted group of friends of the same faith as me. That community is something that I miss on occasion. The last small group I was in was ok, but not exactly what I think I want for the long term--it doesn't hurt to try though right? I'm glad I met those people, and it's only confirmed what I need/want/desire in life.
Anyway, so I made (and devoured) a really yummy breakfast sandwich (mmmmm bacon) with cherries and now I'm sipping on tea, wondering a)how I'm going to tie up loose ends and responsibilities today, and b)how I'm going to keep going and achieve my goals.
Today--
I'm going to get a whiteboard for my door so I can have visual reminders of things I want to do everyday--such as take my vitamins, drink a least 27 oz of water before I leave, eat breakfast, make lunch, exercise, and as a weekly goal--have a relatively clean house. I like the idea of checking that stuff off and for things like vitamins, the visual reminder is exactly what I need.
As far as the cleaning, I find that when my apartment is picked up, I feel much less stressed out and relaxed. I wanna make a little "chore list" so I can spread out my housecleaning stuff over the week so it doesn't get overwhelming after I don't do them for weeks at a time. I also want to have one for THE apartments so I'm keeping up with maintaining the common areas in a responsible way. So...yea. A white board.
I also need to go through ALL of my mail, hang up ALL of my clothes, do as much laundry as possible, and sweep, mop, and vacuum THE apartments.
New exercise goals:
I was talking with Alisha and she was saying how your body needs time to repair itself between workouts and breaks help it repair better so you come back stronger. I've had a goal of working out 6 days a week and doing running, ddr, and strength training intensely. Well I think I'm going to change things around with my workouts (shocking I know...I change things pretty regularly ;) ) So anyway, I think I'm going to do my running on MWF--still right after work, but it doesn't kick itself into the weekends. I'm going to do a combination of DDR/strength training on Tues/Thurs, and on the weekends--I'm going to make sure I walk and get 10,000 steps in, but I'm not going to necessarily do a strict workout. That way, over the weekend my body can repair and get ready for the week again.
So, I think I'm going to also change my weigh in day to Saturday. I'm really loathe to do this as I'm a creature of habit and feel like it's "cheating" to change my weigh in day for some reason (Monday just seems to be the beginning of the week and so it means I should begin with my new weight...I dunno I'm weird). Anyway, I think with the new workout routine it'll just be better. I'm sure whatever day I weigh myself on, as long as it's consistent, will work, but for some reason I feel like weighing myself AFTER my "rest days" might result in a higher weight...ugh I gotta stop being so WEIGHT focused.
Anyway, that's the new plan. The eating healthy/not eating out/cooking at home thing is staying the same. I'm just tweaking the exercise a bit :) Ok, time to get going with my day!
The only thing missing to be honest--is a firm, trusted group of friends of the same faith as me. That community is something that I miss on occasion. The last small group I was in was ok, but not exactly what I think I want for the long term--it doesn't hurt to try though right? I'm glad I met those people, and it's only confirmed what I need/want/desire in life.
Anyway, so I made (and devoured) a really yummy breakfast sandwich (mmmmm bacon) with cherries and now I'm sipping on tea, wondering a)how I'm going to tie up loose ends and responsibilities today, and b)how I'm going to keep going and achieve my goals.
Today--
I'm going to get a whiteboard for my door so I can have visual reminders of things I want to do everyday--such as take my vitamins, drink a least 27 oz of water before I leave, eat breakfast, make lunch, exercise, and as a weekly goal--have a relatively clean house. I like the idea of checking that stuff off and for things like vitamins, the visual reminder is exactly what I need.
As far as the cleaning, I find that when my apartment is picked up, I feel much less stressed out and relaxed. I wanna make a little "chore list" so I can spread out my housecleaning stuff over the week so it doesn't get overwhelming after I don't do them for weeks at a time. I also want to have one for THE apartments so I'm keeping up with maintaining the common areas in a responsible way. So...yea. A white board.
I also need to go through ALL of my mail, hang up ALL of my clothes, do as much laundry as possible, and sweep, mop, and vacuum THE apartments.
New exercise goals:
I was talking with Alisha and she was saying how your body needs time to repair itself between workouts and breaks help it repair better so you come back stronger. I've had a goal of working out 6 days a week and doing running, ddr, and strength training intensely. Well I think I'm going to change things around with my workouts (shocking I know...I change things pretty regularly ;) ) So anyway, I think I'm going to do my running on MWF--still right after work, but it doesn't kick itself into the weekends. I'm going to do a combination of DDR/strength training on Tues/Thurs, and on the weekends--I'm going to make sure I walk and get 10,000 steps in, but I'm not going to necessarily do a strict workout. That way, over the weekend my body can repair and get ready for the week again.
So, I think I'm going to also change my weigh in day to Saturday. I'm really loathe to do this as I'm a creature of habit and feel like it's "cheating" to change my weigh in day for some reason (Monday just seems to be the beginning of the week and so it means I should begin with my new weight...I dunno I'm weird). Anyway, I think with the new workout routine it'll just be better. I'm sure whatever day I weigh myself on, as long as it's consistent, will work, but for some reason I feel like weighing myself AFTER my "rest days" might result in a higher weight...ugh I gotta stop being so WEIGHT focused.
Anyway, that's the new plan. The eating healthy/not eating out/cooking at home thing is staying the same. I'm just tweaking the exercise a bit :) Ok, time to get going with my day!
Live as a "healthy" person
Today the book talked about being tired of eating another piece of grilled chicken, or another salad, and how sometimes we might think that we want to eat like a "normal" person. It cautions against using words like that because a lot of "normal" people eat crappy food. I mean, Americans are famous for eating krispie kreme burgers and fat fried in fat :) Is that what we want? Do we want to be "normal?" The book goes on to say that instead of thinking in terms of "thin or skinny" we should think in terms of "healthy." Many thin people are not necessarily healthy. "Instead of aiming to be thin, consider using words such as healthy, fit, active, balanced, or strong." pg 172 It says to start thinking in terms of what healthy people might do. What does a healthy person eat? How active are they?
I think we've always heard this but I like hearing it even more as I'm training to run a 5k and trying to be stronger and healthier. When I lost the 10lbs when I was sick--I felt thin, but I felt sick. When I was healthy enough to get back to running, almost all that weight had come back on, but I felt strong, and healthy. Adam asked me (when I was still not eating very much) if I was doing it on purpose to keep the weight off, and I of course said no indignantly because I don't think I have the willpower not to eat :) But, I gotta say, I'd rather weigh more, and be strong, then be thin, and feel weak, tired, fatigued, and hungry all the time.
The book has activities that it suggest that you do, and usually I don't do them cause they're corny or I'm already kinda doing it, but I want to do this one. It wants you to make a stick person (in this case there will be no person but you get the picture) and label it "A Healthy ___
and then write how you can be healthy in areas of your life like family, eating, exercise, relationships, work, and fun.
A Healthy Tiffany
Family--Visiting and spending time with my parents at least once a month. Writing my brother in Korea. Keeping in contact with my extended family and trying to make it to events in their lives.
Relationships--Staying strong and not letting negative relationships into my life. Keeping a balance with friends I work with. Talking with and encouraging the friends in my life. Making regular contact with people so they know I care. Investing in new relationships, and cutting down gossip/drama within relationships. Making an effort to build and maintain current relationships despite the busyness of my life.
Work--Being a team player. Work with staff to have a diverse and fun program. Smile more :) Try to be more patient with the kiddos who try my patience every day. Have a checklist to make sure I get what I NEED to get done done. Prioritize more.
Fun--Continue with the new relationships that I've developed. Yay game nights and the new book club. Read more books :) Poker nights! Find hobbies outside of diet and exercise that I can stick with. Go canoeing more often! Find ways to travel more in and out of state. Keep in contact with friends and initiate fun stuff with friends. Continue with the things that are fun for me--especially shopping :) Diversify and try new things!
Eating--Keep buying and using groceries. Have loads of fruits and veggies on hand for snacks. Don't deprive, just be moderate. Take vitamins (argh!). Make sure I get the right amount of good proteins, fats, and carbs. Drink more water--kick diet soda out of my life completely again. Drink more Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea (mmmmmm). Track my calories (as much as possible). Say no to caffeine (I've found that I feel really weird on it...especially with coffee). Eat bacon (moderately)! Cook at home. Be proactive in having food prepped so I have no excuses. Eat breakfast more often.
Exercise--Run, run, run! I love running :) Figure out the balance between aerobic/strength training and how to best facilitate getting leaner and stronger. Keep running with my buddy! 5k,5k,5k in September! DDR. Swim more during the summer. Join a gym once my massage membership is complete (January 2011). Play gym games with kids whenever I get a chance. Make excuses to go up and down the stairs at work. Laugh. Alot.
So those are my goals. Those are the things that I feel make a healthy me, and will keep me on track. I'll probably think of more, and I want to do something visual in my apartment to see, but I'm liking where I'm going with this!
Can't forget faith--reacquaint myself with people who share the same beliefs I do. Be apart of a meaningful community. Keep myself connected to the Bible...not in a legalistic way, but in a open, learning way.
The last chapter in Ephesians talks about putting on the full armor of God. I feel that these goals, and expressions of who I want to be is apart of the armor. It's a part of the full life that I have been called to have, and it works in partnership with my faith and everything that I believe. God has been faithful to me all my life, and I really want to make sure I make him central, first, before all other things...because without him...I'm just not a good. And by "good" I mean...on point, happy, fulfilled. Without his peace and contact, I always begin to feel...discouraged and desperate. I find that the times in which I focus on my relationship with him and making time for him, my mindset changes. I dunno, but God is good whether or not I am...and I'm going to stick with him :)
I think we've always heard this but I like hearing it even more as I'm training to run a 5k and trying to be stronger and healthier. When I lost the 10lbs when I was sick--I felt thin, but I felt sick. When I was healthy enough to get back to running, almost all that weight had come back on, but I felt strong, and healthy. Adam asked me (when I was still not eating very much) if I was doing it on purpose to keep the weight off, and I of course said no indignantly because I don't think I have the willpower not to eat :) But, I gotta say, I'd rather weigh more, and be strong, then be thin, and feel weak, tired, fatigued, and hungry all the time.
The book has activities that it suggest that you do, and usually I don't do them cause they're corny or I'm already kinda doing it, but I want to do this one. It wants you to make a stick person (in this case there will be no person but you get the picture) and label it "A Healthy ___
and then write how you can be healthy in areas of your life like family, eating, exercise, relationships, work, and fun.
A Healthy Tiffany
Family--Visiting and spending time with my parents at least once a month. Writing my brother in Korea. Keeping in contact with my extended family and trying to make it to events in their lives.
Relationships--Staying strong and not letting negative relationships into my life. Keeping a balance with friends I work with. Talking with and encouraging the friends in my life. Making regular contact with people so they know I care. Investing in new relationships, and cutting down gossip/drama within relationships. Making an effort to build and maintain current relationships despite the busyness of my life.
Work--Being a team player. Work with staff to have a diverse and fun program. Smile more :) Try to be more patient with the kiddos who try my patience every day. Have a checklist to make sure I get what I NEED to get done done. Prioritize more.
Fun--Continue with the new relationships that I've developed. Yay game nights and the new book club. Read more books :) Poker nights! Find hobbies outside of diet and exercise that I can stick with. Go canoeing more often! Find ways to travel more in and out of state. Keep in contact with friends and initiate fun stuff with friends. Continue with the things that are fun for me--especially shopping :) Diversify and try new things!
Eating--Keep buying and using groceries. Have loads of fruits and veggies on hand for snacks. Don't deprive, just be moderate. Take vitamins (argh!). Make sure I get the right amount of good proteins, fats, and carbs. Drink more water--kick diet soda out of my life completely again. Drink more Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea (mmmmmm). Track my calories (as much as possible). Say no to caffeine (I've found that I feel really weird on it...especially with coffee). Eat bacon (moderately)! Cook at home. Be proactive in having food prepped so I have no excuses. Eat breakfast more often.
Exercise--Run, run, run! I love running :) Figure out the balance between aerobic/strength training and how to best facilitate getting leaner and stronger. Keep running with my buddy! 5k,5k,5k in September! DDR. Swim more during the summer. Join a gym once my massage membership is complete (January 2011). Play gym games with kids whenever I get a chance. Make excuses to go up and down the stairs at work. Laugh. Alot.
So those are my goals. Those are the things that I feel make a healthy me, and will keep me on track. I'll probably think of more, and I want to do something visual in my apartment to see, but I'm liking where I'm going with this!
Can't forget faith--reacquaint myself with people who share the same beliefs I do. Be apart of a meaningful community. Keep myself connected to the Bible...not in a legalistic way, but in a open, learning way.
The last chapter in Ephesians talks about putting on the full armor of God. I feel that these goals, and expressions of who I want to be is apart of the armor. It's a part of the full life that I have been called to have, and it works in partnership with my faith and everything that I believe. God has been faithful to me all my life, and I really want to make sure I make him central, first, before all other things...because without him...I'm just not a good. And by "good" I mean...on point, happy, fulfilled. Without his peace and contact, I always begin to feel...discouraged and desperate. I find that the times in which I focus on my relationship with him and making time for him, my mindset changes. I dunno, but God is good whether or not I am...and I'm going to stick with him :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Ditch the Critic
Ok, I stared off into space for a good 2-5 minutes just now. I really need to get to bed on time so waking up isn't so hard to do. I'm pretty sore too from all that running, but it's a good sore. A "I played really hard yesterday" kind of sore. In other news, that 10 lbs came on just about as fast as it came off. Now that I'm retaining water again (instead of it rushing out every 10 minutes), it seems that my body has said "f-you you have to work for those 10 lbs woman." Which, is ok I suppose, I'm just a little bitter. I was liking those numbers on the scale :) Speaking of the scale, I wish it would move a little faster if you know what I mean. I'm getting tired of seeing all the same numbers. I think I really liked the part of being sick where the numbers moved 2 lbs every day, and I wish that real weight loss was actually like that. I need to get my head around the fact that it's not :/ Yesterday, I didn't help myself by going to 7-11 on the field trip and buying all sorts of unhealthy snacks for Adam and I. That was totally bogus. Ah well, today is a new day, and I'll remember to bring my healthy yummy food that I got on Wednesday.
Ok so the book. Today it talked about stopping the negative self talk. When you use words like "failure" "loser" etc. as words to motivate yourself not to do bad things, it generally just drags you down. Apparently your brain registers it and tries to make them true. Basically, be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Say positive things to yourself. It's all in the framework of choices and taking back your power of food...and basically yourself. Living healthy is a hard choice, but it's a good choice and a worthwhile choice. The fact that I or anyone else is even attempting and making better choices in life is wonderful, and we should remember that--not to say "oh I was wonderful for a day, now I can eat 10 cookies." But in a "man, I made good choices today...I bet I can do that tomorrow again."
With weight loss, I'm most competitive with myself. I can't look around at other people and compare, because we're all different. I can take tips from them. I can see what they're doing and try to do something similar, but I can't be them. At this moment, I can't run a whole 3 miles without walking. But I know I can run at least a lap...and that's awesome. I can't (or won't) be vegan like my boss who's trying to lose weight. I can make healthier meat choices and eat more fruits, veggies, and whole grains though. I can't necessarily do what everyone else can do, but I can do the best that I can do--and that's what matters the most. I'm really proud of myself and the progress I've made. I'm going to stick with it, because it makes me feel amazing :)
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Eph 5:15-16
I want to make the most of life as it's offered to me. I want life to the fullest. When I think of my life, and paths that I can take to get me where I need to go, I think that I want to take the paths that are the fullest, richest, and most beneficial. I want paths full of laughter, opportunities, family, love, friendship, success from failure, generosity, community, etc. I want experiences that teach, shape, and mold me into a better person. Choices, choices, choices...
Ok so the book. Today it talked about stopping the negative self talk. When you use words like "failure" "loser" etc. as words to motivate yourself not to do bad things, it generally just drags you down. Apparently your brain registers it and tries to make them true. Basically, be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Say positive things to yourself. It's all in the framework of choices and taking back your power of food...and basically yourself. Living healthy is a hard choice, but it's a good choice and a worthwhile choice. The fact that I or anyone else is even attempting and making better choices in life is wonderful, and we should remember that--not to say "oh I was wonderful for a day, now I can eat 10 cookies." But in a "man, I made good choices today...I bet I can do that tomorrow again."
With weight loss, I'm most competitive with myself. I can't look around at other people and compare, because we're all different. I can take tips from them. I can see what they're doing and try to do something similar, but I can't be them. At this moment, I can't run a whole 3 miles without walking. But I know I can run at least a lap...and that's awesome. I can't (or won't) be vegan like my boss who's trying to lose weight. I can make healthier meat choices and eat more fruits, veggies, and whole grains though. I can't necessarily do what everyone else can do, but I can do the best that I can do--and that's what matters the most. I'm really proud of myself and the progress I've made. I'm going to stick with it, because it makes me feel amazing :)
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Eph 5:15-16
I want to make the most of life as it's offered to me. I want life to the fullest. When I think of my life, and paths that I can take to get me where I need to go, I think that I want to take the paths that are the fullest, richest, and most beneficial. I want paths full of laughter, opportunities, family, love, friendship, success from failure, generosity, community, etc. I want experiences that teach, shape, and mold me into a better person. Choices, choices, choices...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
woohoo!
I'm in week 2 of C25k, and I decided to run with a friend today. I was nervous because she is waaaaayyyy smaller than me and I'm a "slow runner" and new and...I was just all sorts of self conscious. I had such a blast. We chatted, ran at the same pace, did some walking/running with the program, and then after it was done, she challenged me to run a whole lap. Now, if you know me, you know I have never run a whole lap (that I can remember) around a track. I always get tired and stop at some point. Always. But, I did it. Ran the whole way around the track (which is only 1/4 of a mile but I did it!)...and then I did it 2 more times. I...am pretty amazing. My body is amazing, and I had such a wonderful time talking with her. We were out there for an hour. An hour...worked out, ran, for an hour. Love her, love running, love my new healthy lifestyle. Woohoo!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Emotional Safety & The Healing Power of Rituals
When I was sick I read the chapter on emotional safety, and how you should find a safe place where you can relax and create your "ahhhhhhhhh" space. It can have your favorite pictures, music, chair, etc., but it's designed to keep you sane. Today, the book talked about rituals and how rituals keep you grounded and lend to that idea of emotional safety. What rituals do I have?
When I get to work, I generally go into Adam's office and sit and chat and hang out with him a bit. Then I meander out to the desk area and talk with Jen and August and Meghan if she's there, and then I go upstairs, get my computer turned on, and start check emails. On summer days like this, I generally will sit and chat with Jen for a couple of minutes, go upstairs and check my email, and then fill my water bottle up and meet up with Kevin to see what's going on for the day.
At home? In the mornings I wake up, read my "daily motivator" and Bible, blog about both, and then on DDR days I exercise. I then shower, get ready, pack my lunch, and walk to work. On running days I make sure I pack all my running gear and then go out to run right after work. When I get home, I sit down on my couch and check my email, facebook, and various blogs. I usually will play a couple of games while I turn on DH (or some other show in the background), and then I'll cook dinner, get stuff done around my apartment, or chill. Then I try to get to bed and read so that I can get up at an appropriate time :)
I like my rituals, especially my morning/exercise rituals. They make me feel successful, and well rounded. I think I might start incorporating ice tea/regular tea into my ritual. I really enjoyed drinking tea at my parent's house, and it's just a nice, yummy, and has few calories. Mmm...I do like the honey vanilla chamomile with some creamer in it though. Anyway, my rituals do make me feel happy and safe. These past couple of days that I have been sick have completely thrown me off and I've been...blah. So here's to my healthy rituals!
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love....Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen...Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." Eph 4:2,29,31-32
The first verse is for me and dealing with the kiddos. Sometimes, this little guys grate on my nerves, and my patience is worn down...super thin. I need to remember to ask for patience, and to bear with them in love. They're precious little things, even the nasty little 3rd grade boys :) The second part--phew! Has been a pet peeve of mine concerning a certain person for the past couple of months...but I need to make sure in my bitterness about it that I'm not being unwholesome and tearing her down with my words. And, I need to make sure that I am kind and compassionate to all people...remembering that we are...people...messed up, insecure, and far from perfect. And that my bitterness towards the way I or others are mistreated should be turned into compassion, love, and kindness for everyone..including that person :) And why? Because God is good, and he has done these things for me...the worst of the worst. If I complain about it, I've probably done it. So I should remember to have grace, abounding and overflowing. Okie dokie, time to pack my lunch.
When I get to work, I generally go into Adam's office and sit and chat and hang out with him a bit. Then I meander out to the desk area and talk with Jen and August and Meghan if she's there, and then I go upstairs, get my computer turned on, and start check emails. On summer days like this, I generally will sit and chat with Jen for a couple of minutes, go upstairs and check my email, and then fill my water bottle up and meet up with Kevin to see what's going on for the day.
At home? In the mornings I wake up, read my "daily motivator" and Bible, blog about both, and then on DDR days I exercise. I then shower, get ready, pack my lunch, and walk to work. On running days I make sure I pack all my running gear and then go out to run right after work. When I get home, I sit down on my couch and check my email, facebook, and various blogs. I usually will play a couple of games while I turn on DH (or some other show in the background), and then I'll cook dinner, get stuff done around my apartment, or chill. Then I try to get to bed and read so that I can get up at an appropriate time :)
I like my rituals, especially my morning/exercise rituals. They make me feel successful, and well rounded. I think I might start incorporating ice tea/regular tea into my ritual. I really enjoyed drinking tea at my parent's house, and it's just a nice, yummy, and has few calories. Mmm...I do like the honey vanilla chamomile with some creamer in it though. Anyway, my rituals do make me feel happy and safe. These past couple of days that I have been sick have completely thrown me off and I've been...blah. So here's to my healthy rituals!
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love....Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen...Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." Eph 4:2,29,31-32
The first verse is for me and dealing with the kiddos. Sometimes, this little guys grate on my nerves, and my patience is worn down...super thin. I need to remember to ask for patience, and to bear with them in love. They're precious little things, even the nasty little 3rd grade boys :) The second part--phew! Has been a pet peeve of mine concerning a certain person for the past couple of months...but I need to make sure in my bitterness about it that I'm not being unwholesome and tearing her down with my words. And, I need to make sure that I am kind and compassionate to all people...remembering that we are...people...messed up, insecure, and far from perfect. And that my bitterness towards the way I or others are mistreated should be turned into compassion, love, and kindness for everyone..including that person :) And why? Because God is good, and he has done these things for me...the worst of the worst. If I complain about it, I've probably done it. So I should remember to have grace, abounding and overflowing. Okie dokie, time to pack my lunch.
I'm baaaaaaaack!
I can't believe how excited I am to get back to normal life. I can't believe how excited I am to start running again! holy crap. I've been out of the game for less than 6 days and it felt like torture. All I could think about were my goals and how I'm down and out a week in my C25k training and ahhhh! It's funny because in the process I lost about 10 lbs (in 4 days ick), and I was like "woohoo, lowest I've been in awhile," but my main concerns was--am I losing muscle? Will I be too weak to run? Damnit I have to eat! My mindset has definitely changed and it's good to know that I'm thinking like a healthy person. Anyway--awesome news--yesterday, a parent came up to me and said "you're losing weight right? I can tell. How are you doing it?" It was soooooo encouraging to have someone notice and compliment me on it. Especially someone who didn't really know if I was doing it, they just noticed that I looked slimmer. And! When I was in the bathroom at work (they have a long mirror), I noticed that my thighs aren't looking so curvy around the tops anymore. You know, when you turn to the side and do a profile shot, and the tops of your thighs curve out and then come back in? Mine are starting to go more straight down! Ok, that might not have made sense but it did to me :) And a side note--I've been doing a lot of reading on Sparkpeople...it's been so inspiring and encouraging. I actually really love being a part of the community...and actually engaging with people this time around. Life is good! Anyway, back to the grind. Tomorrow I'm going to pick up where I left off with my week 2 day 2 training. Wish me luck!
Monday, July 12, 2010
weigh in
I'm sad to say that this weigh in is not reflective of a REAL weight loss. I've been sick this whole week with diarrhea and I did throw up once...but mostly diarrhea. Anyway, at one point during my period, when I weighed myself in the afternoon, I was at 227 and I almost shit my pants. But that went down pretty quickly. My new weight, after loss of many fluids and no eating is....212.4. That's right. In less than a week I've lost 9.2 lbs. It's pretty wrong, pretty insane and I'm sad to say my weight will probably go back up next week :/ But, it gives me something to strive for. I can't remember the last time I was under 215...so, it gives me something to aspire to :) Anyway, I'm going to take some pepto bismal today to try to harden up the stools and start with some fruits and veggies for food today...see what happens :) On the bright side, this probably has completely cleaned out my system--like a cleansing diet! So I can start fresh haha.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
frustrated
I am so frustrated with being sick! I've lost about 10 lbs in the past four days, threw up last night, and everything coming out for the past three days has been liquid (sorry to be a bit graphic). I only completed day 1 of week 2 of C25k and I really, really, really, don't want to miss another week. I was doing so well! I was actually having fun! I'm still motivated, I want to get up and do it...but I found today just walking up a hill (after not eating anything substantial for the past couple of days) made me weak and woozy. Ugh. Why must some kind of sickness always derail me when I get on track? Whatever it is, I'm not letting it beat me this time. I will get better, and when I do, I'm kicking ass on my running.
A couple of weeks ago I said "at least it's not stomach issues" when I had that crappy cold. Well today, I'm saying "at least it's not paired with anxiety/depression." And I know it won't be. I have waaaayyy to much going for me to be caught up in that mind trap. I am getting better. I'm not as nauseous now that I've puked, and I think I'll be able to start eating whole foods (fruits, veggies, and whole grains natch) tomorrow, and eventually, I will be running again. So, here's the kicking the crappy stomach flu, and being better next week :)
A couple of weeks ago I said "at least it's not stomach issues" when I had that crappy cold. Well today, I'm saying "at least it's not paired with anxiety/depression." And I know it won't be. I have waaaayyy to much going for me to be caught up in that mind trap. I am getting better. I'm not as nauseous now that I've puked, and I think I'll be able to start eating whole foods (fruits, veggies, and whole grains natch) tomorrow, and eventually, I will be running again. So, here's the kicking the crappy stomach flu, and being better next week :)
almost finished...
...being sick that is! Yesterday, I threw up a crapload of something or other. Who knows what it was, but the nausea has pretty much gone away...and now I just have the diarrhea. I've eaten a bit and still feel pretty ok, so I think the puking expelled the demon in my tummy. Hopefully for good. Another pound was lost too. Man, if I stay sick, I'll be down to my goal weight in no time :) But seriously, here's to getting better day by day.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
still sick
So, I'd like to spare everyone details but you know I can't :) I've had nausea and diarrhea for the past 2 or 3 days. That, plus getting off my period, has resulted in like a 6lb weight loss. So I guess being sick is worth something eh? Let's hope I can maintain it :) And let's hope I feel better...ugh.
Friday, July 9, 2010
sick :/
I went home sick yesterday from work. I don't know if it's the 90+ degree weather and not enough hydration, or a stomach bug, but I felt like crapola. About 100 oz of water, cold packs, a fan on my body, and tons of sleep later...I'm feeling better. Although my body seems to still be expelling whatever virus/nastiness I had. The good news is, is that I feel well enough to go back to work. The bad news? I wasn't able to do my c25k training yesterday...which was probably a blessing in disguise seeing as how it was 89 degrees. Ah well. I'm gonna try to pick it back up this weekend if it's not too hot. I think I'm completely over my cold...here's to being healthy all around!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Small Wins
Phew. Still stoked that I finished day 1 of my training yesterday. My body doesn't even really feel sore...so I think it's adjusting to running pretty well. I ended up hanging out with my friend Manda after work. We went to the Cheesecake Factory (how the hell does a salad have 1400 calories? seriously??) and then went to see Robin Hood which I actually liked :) We did stay up til 2am (ugh) so I didn't get up and work out. I am going to do it after work though, and then going to meet some new ladies to start a book club. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I hope it goes well.
Today the book talked about celebrating small wins. Sometimes we get caught up in the slip ups we had in the day--such as, getting off track with calories, not exercising, feeling crappy at work, etc--and forget the many good things that actually happened during the day. The book says to "look at your actions" and remember all the things you did well during the day. "These include any of your efforts that make you feel more successful, happy, healthy or peaceful." 164 I like that it's once again a reminder to remember your small victories. Yesterday, some of the kids were just...grating on my nerves, and I know I lost my temper one time with a kid. But, we had a great water balloon toss event, had a slammin' rotation, and did well despite the fact we had no access to the gym. Plus, of course, my run. Anyway, I'm kind of the type who generally focuses on the positive and shuns the negative (when it comes to me and encouraging myself), so I'm going to use this as a reminder to keep remembering those small wins in my life :) Ok, gotta get dressed and be at work by 9. eesh!
Today the book talked about celebrating small wins. Sometimes we get caught up in the slip ups we had in the day--such as, getting off track with calories, not exercising, feeling crappy at work, etc--and forget the many good things that actually happened during the day. The book says to "look at your actions" and remember all the things you did well during the day. "These include any of your efforts that make you feel more successful, happy, healthy or peaceful." 164 I like that it's once again a reminder to remember your small victories. Yesterday, some of the kids were just...grating on my nerves, and I know I lost my temper one time with a kid. But, we had a great water balloon toss event, had a slammin' rotation, and did well despite the fact we had no access to the gym. Plus, of course, my run. Anyway, I'm kind of the type who generally focuses on the positive and shuns the negative (when it comes to me and encouraging myself), so I'm going to use this as a reminder to keep remembering those small wins in my life :) Ok, gotta get dressed and be at work by 9. eesh!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
week 2 day 1 of c25k training!
I just completed my first day of week two training. 20 minutes of running for 1.5 minutes, and walking for 2 minutes. I had some hangups--some of my songs not working (grrrrr!) my shoes coming untied, and the 90 degree weather--ok maybe 80...but other than that, it went pretty well. Things NOT to do before a run? Eat lasagna. I was about 1/4 of the way though a smart ones lasagna and I was like, "hell no what am I doing?" I was like michael from the office eating pasta before my run...dumb. So, at my last bout of running, I almost threw up, like seriously I had to concentrate on keeping the damn lasagna down. I did, and I'm happy that I did the run. On Thursday? I need to eat an apple and a bit o'turkey around 4 to prep myself, and drink at least 64 ounces of water during the day, and I think I'll be even better prepared. Woohoo! I'm glad I finished and I ran the whole time I was supposed to. Yay me :)
weigh in
of course I didn't weigh myself in yesterday with all of the getting to work straight from my parent's madness. With my period bloat, plus the eating this weekend, I thought for sure I would see a plus on that scale, but there is a slight dip--221.6. Woo-.4 of a pound! I'll take it! Hopefully next week will reflect the running of this week and hopefully the healthier eating. alrighty, back to figuring out my ipod playlist :)
Watch for rainbows
Mmmmk. So my week was totally thrown off my fourth of july. I had to bus it to work from my parent's house yesterday morning, and then, I ended up going to my bff's to play with the babies and take them to the park. Needless to say, I didn't get home until 11-something and did not get my workout in. Although, push a stroller to the park and then carrying a 9 month old back might be considered somewhat of a workout...not a 500 calorie burning one but I'll take it I guess :) Today is my first day of week 2 training! I am...partly excited partly terrified. I know I can do it, I just am exhausted today and don't want it to affect my run :/ Hopefully I can drink enough water, get enough protein and do what I need to do.
Today the book talked about those days that are all over kinda sucky. The weather is dreary, people at work are negative, etc., etc., so you might want to go to food to brighten up your day. The author says to look for "rainbows" like your family is safe, you have fluffy pillows to sleep on, etc., Basically look at the blessings in life instead of the negatives you see before you. Which is good advice. But, I have nothing else to say on the matter.
I'm hanging out with a friend of mine tonite--gonna get dinner and see a movie. Then I have a meeting with my new book club (!) tomorrow night. Busy, busy week. Hopefully I'll get some rest sometime soon and catch up on sleep.
Today the book talked about those days that are all over kinda sucky. The weather is dreary, people at work are negative, etc., etc., so you might want to go to food to brighten up your day. The author says to look for "rainbows" like your family is safe, you have fluffy pillows to sleep on, etc., Basically look at the blessings in life instead of the negatives you see before you. Which is good advice. But, I have nothing else to say on the matter.
I'm hanging out with a friend of mine tonite--gonna get dinner and see a movie. Then I have a meeting with my new book club (!) tomorrow night. Busy, busy week. Hopefully I'll get some rest sometime soon and catch up on sleep.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
All or nothing
Again! A late at night post :) Accomplished several things today. One, made some not so awesome eating choices--ribs, brownies, general 4th of July shenanigans--however I didn't eat as much as I normally would have. So that in itself is a victory. I need to relearn the "try a little bit and stop" thing :) I completed my third day of running...so week 1 is done. I have to say the third day was not that bad. In fact, I thought the first couple of days were harder so here's to hoping running gets easier as I go along. I cannot wait until that day that I'm running a full mile. It's going to be pretty amazing I have to say. It's hard to imagine, but I know I can do it. I'm managing to get to bed at a decent hour to wake up early to get back to Seattle tomorrow as well. So, I shall work out and do my exercising tomorrow afternoon after work.
Today the book talked about perfectionists and their "all or nothing" way of thinking/being. If they can't do it right, they're not going to do it at all. And with dieting/lifestyle changes...that's kind of dangerous. I know that when I first thought about dieting, I thought, "oh I can't give up bacon or candy or ____" and it would prevent me from starting. Or I'd start and mess up and stop because I wasn't able to rise to the impossible standards I gave myself. Once I learned that my way of changing my life was not about deprivation but moderation, it helped so much. The book suggests instead of striving for perfection, you should strive for excellence, which should decrease the "pressure."
I think for me, the combination of not depriving myself and striving for excellence is great. If I don't deprive myself but also don't strive for excellence, then I'll most likely go overboard. If I strive for excellence at the same time, I'll be more likely to question my decision to take a 3rd brownie, think about the consequences of my actions, and be able to make a more informed, controlled decision. It's so nice being able to live a life of fullness and freedom in ALL things including food :) Happy 4th of July everyone!
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." Eph. 2:4-5
It's always good to have this reminder that it's not my goodness, my personality, my thinness (or lack thereof), my kind gestures, volunteering, etc. that make Jesus love me. He loved me (and still loves me) when I was (and am) imperfect. He loved me despite the fact that I had nothing to offer him, nothing good to give him that he didn't already have. He continually, every day, even when I don't ask for it breathes new life into me--literally and figuratively--and I am so thankful for his goodness. I'm so thankful that he made himself known to me, because I don't know where I would be without him. I'm very blessed, and so glad for the freedom from hopelessness, depression, etc. that he has given me, and that is free for anyone. God is good. Immensely, eternally, amazingly good.
Today the book talked about perfectionists and their "all or nothing" way of thinking/being. If they can't do it right, they're not going to do it at all. And with dieting/lifestyle changes...that's kind of dangerous. I know that when I first thought about dieting, I thought, "oh I can't give up bacon or candy or ____" and it would prevent me from starting. Or I'd start and mess up and stop because I wasn't able to rise to the impossible standards I gave myself. Once I learned that my way of changing my life was not about deprivation but moderation, it helped so much. The book suggests instead of striving for perfection, you should strive for excellence, which should decrease the "pressure."
I think for me, the combination of not depriving myself and striving for excellence is great. If I don't deprive myself but also don't strive for excellence, then I'll most likely go overboard. If I strive for excellence at the same time, I'll be more likely to question my decision to take a 3rd brownie, think about the consequences of my actions, and be able to make a more informed, controlled decision. It's so nice being able to live a life of fullness and freedom in ALL things including food :) Happy 4th of July everyone!
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved." Eph. 2:4-5
It's always good to have this reminder that it's not my goodness, my personality, my thinness (or lack thereof), my kind gestures, volunteering, etc. that make Jesus love me. He loved me (and still loves me) when I was (and am) imperfect. He loved me despite the fact that I had nothing to offer him, nothing good to give him that he didn't already have. He continually, every day, even when I don't ask for it breathes new life into me--literally and figuratively--and I am so thankful for his goodness. I'm so thankful that he made himself known to me, because I don't know where I would be without him. I'm very blessed, and so glad for the freedom from hopelessness, depression, etc. that he has given me, and that is free for anyone. God is good. Immensely, eternally, amazingly good.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Sneak Eating
It's 10pm, but I still wanted to get my blogging in. Keeps me accountable :) It's never too late right? Today, I had the perfect lazy day. Got up and washed/straightened my hair, went for a massage, did a bit o'shopping, came home and took and nap, and have been putzing around the house the rest of the day. Resting, and watching cable. It's nice having a lazy day, but I need to reiterate again that I love not having cable. Other exciting news? I'm joining a book club. Found this girl who was trying to organize one, and she found 5 other people who were interested. So hopefully this thing gets off the ground. I love meeting new people :)
Today the book talked about sneak eating--eating really well around other people, but then going home and chowing down on a dessert or leftover cookies. "Maybe you've tried telling yourself that sneaking food doesn't matter that much. But behind this secret lies a huge range of emotions such as anger, resentment, and fear." pg 158. I remember I used to eat in my room alot, or eat half of my dinner from the restaurant in front of my friends and then down it as soon as I got home. I think I was full but I always thought that "super full" was what I needed to fill...loneliness? fear? I don't know. But I know I used to do it. With my new healthy eating plan, it's easy not to feel ashamed because I know that I have control over my food choices, and can eat what I want in moderation. It takes all the mystery and uber desire out of food. :)
Tomorrow we're BBQing. I'm excited. And as a group we're going to the lake..so day 3 of c25k. I'm excited! Okie dokie, time to set up the Settler's board!
Today the book talked about sneak eating--eating really well around other people, but then going home and chowing down on a dessert or leftover cookies. "Maybe you've tried telling yourself that sneaking food doesn't matter that much. But behind this secret lies a huge range of emotions such as anger, resentment, and fear." pg 158. I remember I used to eat in my room alot, or eat half of my dinner from the restaurant in front of my friends and then down it as soon as I got home. I think I was full but I always thought that "super full" was what I needed to fill...loneliness? fear? I don't know. But I know I used to do it. With my new healthy eating plan, it's easy not to feel ashamed because I know that I have control over my food choices, and can eat what I want in moderation. It takes all the mystery and uber desire out of food. :)
Tomorrow we're BBQing. I'm excited. And as a group we're going to the lake..so day 3 of c25k. I'm excited! Okie dokie, time to set up the Settler's board!
Friday, July 2, 2010
It's too hard!
I had an interesting start to my day as I didn't go to bed on time last night...in fact, I went to bed at 2am! At midnight I was exhausted then got pulled in to a tv show. Can I just say that I am SO GLAD I canceled my cable? Best decision of my life! Anyway, then I slept off and on until about 9. I made some not so good food choices this morning...mostly in the quantity (had a big bowl of fruit loops--damn that sugary cereal I love it so much!, a salad--weird I know, a small amount of leftover calamari--stranger and stranger, and some toast with blackberry jam and a bit o butter). Yea, could have done without the fruit loops and calamari, but I should have just stopped with the first part. I made the choice, and am now choosing to get over it and continue with my plans for the day. Which include going to the track with my mother dearest so I can do my next day of 5k training, and then giving myself a pedicure, going for a massage, and maybe shopping. Ok, definitely taking a stop at Ross :) Oh yea, I'm on vacation starting last night!
Today the book talked about dieting/changing your lifestyle being hard. That whole "I'm starting today!" then being derailed by one thing or another, and then getting frustrated because it's so damn hard. And you know what? The book said...yep...it is. It's hard to change your life. It's hard to rearrange you day, take hold of your psychological issues with food as well as your appetites. It's hard to commit to exercising everyday and training for a 5k. Hell yea it's hard. But we've all had to face hard challenges in our lives...and we've gotten through them. "So instead of caving in on your diet because it feels too hard, buck up and tell yourself: 'Of course it's hard. But I've done a lot of difficult things in my life, and this isn't any different. I know that I can do hard things!'" pg 157 I think sometimes when we've been in this weight loss thing, especially when we're reading and watching what other people are doing, we forget that it is hard. We see people shedding pounds, and think "oh it seems easy for them, it should be easy for me." But everyone has their struggles. Everyone has something about weight loss and getting healthy that is hard for them. We just have to remember when it gets hard, to use each other as a support system instead of a a comparison system :)
Today the book talked about dieting/changing your lifestyle being hard. That whole "I'm starting today!" then being derailed by one thing or another, and then getting frustrated because it's so damn hard. And you know what? The book said...yep...it is. It's hard to change your life. It's hard to rearrange you day, take hold of your psychological issues with food as well as your appetites. It's hard to commit to exercising everyday and training for a 5k. Hell yea it's hard. But we've all had to face hard challenges in our lives...and we've gotten through them. "So instead of caving in on your diet because it feels too hard, buck up and tell yourself: 'Of course it's hard. But I've done a lot of difficult things in my life, and this isn't any different. I know that I can do hard things!'" pg 157 I think sometimes when we've been in this weight loss thing, especially when we're reading and watching what other people are doing, we forget that it is hard. We see people shedding pounds, and think "oh it seems easy for them, it should be easy for me." But everyone has their struggles. Everyone has something about weight loss and getting healthy that is hard for them. We just have to remember when it gets hard, to use each other as a support system instead of a a comparison system :)
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